Tuesday, September 18, 2007 . 12:23 AM
I feel that people are disappointments waiting to be discovered. I try to be patient. So I shut my eyes.the other day you held a bottle of vodka and started talking to me about shi wei, dan, clara and so on. you remembered how i did not want to hear this anymore. but hey, i still am. and i nodded sympathically.
you bull-headedly gave me a list of 5 things you thought about me:
1. that i am made up of a combo of 4 people
2. that i listened
3. you trusted me
4. that i brighten up your day
5. that i can keep you entertain with my nonsense
i gave a list of 2 things i thought of myself :
1. that your using me as a vase
2. that im mad and unpredictable
i started wondering how small a self esteem i have.
i was speechless and didnt know how to explain to you how nobody would believe your list of 5 things could ever be applied to me. i think im bitter. i think people made me want not to be good. yet you look at me and say i am. i didnt know to be touched, feel humoured and bs-ed to, or what. i blame my skeptism on everyone else. i blame myself for making me this way.
i tried believing i've changed.
every little thing i did wrong before i made such a huge effort never to be that way again. perphaps at this point i am perfect. i corrected all things i ever did wrong before. but then no one would believe this. maybe now you . you tell me you believe me. and im so glad. hearing it made me want to cry. but of course i did not.
i guess i am writing this post just to remember the day that someone finally thought i was good.
that i was trustworthy
that i was worth trying for
that i was worth being there for
that i was worth the time
i think just hearing that meant alot to me.
i want to thank you for telling me all this although you were semi smashed. i am glad you did. im happy you have such a nice picture of me in your mind. although i wished you knew how horrid i was before and how much it took for me to change. how many people i lost and hurt along the way to get this way now.
so i want to thank my past. you made me this way.
