Monday, July 31, 2006 . 2:05 AM
the words you said still ring.
i realised that i am still not as ok as i seem to be
i suffer exit wounds.
quietly.
i want to be just like you-
indestructable.
[headmusic]:one thing by hoobastank
[thoughts]:when your ciggs start disappearing on you. perphaps its a sign to quit smoking
Saturday, July 29, 2006 . 3:10 PM
I found the pieces in my handThey were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive
The cities grow the rivers flow
Where you are I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
I'm still here
You've seen the ashes in my heart
You smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be
Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay
I will remember I held the pieces of my soul I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
You just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive
The lights go out the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say
I'd be the one to run away
But I'm still here
I'm still here ::A Visit:: ted huges
All around me that midnight's
Giant clock of frost. And somewhere
Inside it, wanting to feel nothing,
A pulse of fever. Somewhere
Inside that numbness of earth
Our future trying to happen.
I look up – as if to meet your voice
With all its urgent future
That has burst in on me.
Then look back
At the book of printed words.
You are ten years dead.
It is only a story.
Your story. My story
got caught in the rain on the way to mabel's house
ran in the rain covering myself with a blue shirt but wound up sneezing like crazy in the house. felt quite weak cause it was the first time in my life i fell sick immediately.
so now i am flu-ish and fever-ish
i cant stand being so weak and sickly.
but still i have to work.
the new kid tution cancelled tution for today. so i have the bistro to go to still. tomorrow i think the plan with ann to bring the dogs to the beach will be screwed. i really wanted to go though.i have tution and work. -_-" i don't think i mind. its just i feel like dying right now.
head pain, body aching,
runny nose , slight fever
the works.
took sum panadol. lets hope it works
[headmusic]:no need to argue by cramberries
[thoughts]: who's going to catch me when i collapse after work?
Friday, July 28, 2006 . 12:29 AM
today was pretty ok day for mekinda hurting from dance classes. stupid hell situps breaking my back. i feel healthier though cause im doing like work outs and like some kinda sport? haa.. but yeah, class was okie. saw faith, this girl who is also under chantel. she fell down agian she told me. tsk .. silly girl cant keep her feet planted on the ground when she moves. tsktsk ... i pray to god i won't be like her
suppose to meet up with duckie somehow she got fed up and tired.
and i meet lit and co instead.
lit showed me her works and about her designer chairs.kinda impressed cause she comment that she did the whole lay out herself. she asked me to work for her and run errands but i wanted to kill her if she really gave me that post. her frend (o man i forgot her name man) had a girlfren called baby! omg. really ... i was like "huhh ? what did you say ?!" and baby is studies in some doncaster melb. -_-"
everyone was in a cloudy mood everyone talking about r/s stuff and being aunt agony to miss lit. tsk .. but it was strangely fun. over iced tea and a cloudy mood it was fun. funny ~
went home early
i was good.
shout out:
cc: she wanted to meet you you just keep putting her off. don't sulk nor raise an eye brow.makes me wonder how on earth did you guys go "girl hunting" before?! im still in disbelief
leo:girl set dinner, tanning arrangements asap so i can set my schedule k :) cheers
rocky: wat the hell i wait until i wanna die lor .. tmd -_-
steps to independence:
profile name: litage: 24
status: single
>> dear all, im selling off my friend of 3 years. she kinda needs adoption right now. if not a really big wake up call. plz PM me. thanx
[thoughts]:i don't want to think. misery buddies unite for coffy more!
Thursday, July 27, 2006 . 11:57 PM
things that happen in bintan:(when bintan for a sudden day trip. my mum sprang this up on me while i was at the RP chalet and only confirmed it so last minute. o well .. it is done. so i went to bintan on the 24/7 and came back 25/7 in the evening. this is just a mini list of stuff that happened.)
~mom getting seasick on the journey here
we actually missed the 9 am boat so we took the 11am one. i ate sum lousy 1 star nasi lemak and rolled my butt to the boat. mom got kinda sea and she wound up sick thru the whole trip. sigh. sadly she didnt really get to relax
~nirwana hotel and resort
so god damn beautiful i tell you.. i wanna go again
~mana mana sea sport centre
we stayed at nirwana resort but all the activities were at mana mana resort so we walked there. immediately on touch down it rained. after the rain the sun was super amazingly HOT! typical, me and andy rushed to the sea centre and started going crazy. she tried windsurfing and i was the assistant. and yup i got tossed off the board after awhile.went ocean kyakking were me and andy discovered how periously close she was to suffering the stinging jellys! (while rowing the darn kyak we were surrounded by so many! omg! totally freaked out at first by after that i started being the horrid person i am and stared poking the jellyfish with my paddle!tsk.. )
the next day we went snorkelling! kinda murky waters and i spend my time trying to touch the fishes! how annoying they keep escaping! -_-" but yups it was fun. sis thought their ang moh manager(aka the windsurfing coach and snorkel trip leader) was trying to chat me up. i was like .. huhh ? didnt even know. ah well. i really am blind
~seafood dinner
o man, this really was a pure nightmare!at mana mana sum nut guy kinda intro uncle dennis use seafood place claiming it was gd etc. agianst my mum's wishes he dragged all of us for some car ride in search of gd authentic seafood bintan style. after shake, rattling and rolling in some smelly old car for 45 mins , we found ourselves at some rundown hut calling itself sum seafood palace. well.. palace my ass.. ~
my mum was darn scared. so she kindly excused us and tried to wing her way back to the hotel but telling the driver she felt sick and didnt want to eat anymore. at the end of the trip uncle dennis that smart arse told us the driver was half blind! omg..... ! anyway, we went all the way back to the hotel. spend $150++ sing on dinner. and felt happier. and safer. whatever.
ps: uncle dennis really is a piece of shit. his ego and his thickskinned numb skull-ed I Q really kills me. my god ... so hate him
~massage
dammit. didnt get any. super duper disappointed. though we kept planning to find one. horrid body ache till now cause of the kyakking .. stupid sis made me row the darn boat. taught her how to also .
~back in sg
tanner now plus my black hair. hmmm... wunder if i look bangla-ish ? mabel cancelled on me for tution a so day spent with family eating and at night lying in bed watching dvd "my wife is a gangster". i finally completed the show ! yippeee.. and yeap. i did laff. its so hard to get a good laugh these days ..
i wound up not going for comedy dance which was happening in sg.although i had fun in bintan.. i wish i did.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006 . 9:03 PM
NOTE TO READER:Dear all,
this blog is currently under de-construction. i've recieved few comments about how the previous skin was not functioning properly so this current skin is just a temporary one to counter the previous fuck up.
thanks for your kind understanding and the mess the blog is in. the cbox is out too.
hopefully, with the next posting, the problem is solved. till then bear with me
[thoughts]: excuse me, what's your name again?
Friday, July 21, 2006 . 7:14 PM
i will not go madi will not go mad
i will not go mad
[headmusic]: feng by jay chou
Thursday, July 20, 2006 . 12:06 PM
i woke up today with a strange phcall by the stripafter that the misery of thoughts running started all over again so i am wide awake
things i think about:
~if it was 6 months back i'd ring you up, perphaps you'd be up.perphaps we could go for breakfast now
~your sms
~the color of pain being neither red, white , nor black. i see it in shades of grey
~sea's words running through my head and her promise to be there
~the fact that when i got up the fan was switched on and turned towards me, i knew my sis was GENUINELY concerned about me. strange but true.
~how the day is sunny, i woke up early and i wish to go to the beach and just lie there.
~have you read my sms yet? do you care? im pretending i didnt know you didn't reply
~how my day is nothing except class later
~everyone afraid i'd do something stupid
~sorry that i yelled at my mum
~if i should go help crystal clean her ears in a bit
i was thinking how i am so weak
i feel small. this irrational pain that catches me in every waking moment. i laid there on my bed thinking how i should revert back to the old me. then i started to remember how i became such a cold heart ice bitch in the first place. they use to say i was like ice. then i stopped thinking about all that. no point
i remember hanging out with my group of friends when younger
my cousin included, mew, neo, gong, dan, strange girls floating in and out of the group. we spend our days playing dai ti, all i did was play till my grades fell till i had like 4 F9s and i ran around liat towers and starbuckx trying to get back my damn sunglasses which either one of those idiots would "steal" every once in a while.
i chilled
i played
i forgot school
i forgot about love
i forgot how to be nice to anyone
i remembered running from everyone
i partied too much
i self destructed
i really think at that moment not caring i was happy.
really
it seems like a far of memory of someone elses past life
i forgot how it was.
there is this need in me to collect what is left of myself. it's like piecing together a jigsaw torn apart. to think i used to make jigsaws.literally. took me all day long and i wanted to cry. then when i finished i would smashed them and throw them out. think my favourite was this artist paint set one which i loved it for the colors and the weird knick-nacks around the picture.and no, i don't know where is it anymore.
but now,
i am lost. i would like to admit i don't know where to start this recollecting and reassembling of myself. i wondered if i hung out more with the bitching club group i would get better. maybe i should talk to those guru friends of mine which i know they were the "ultimate" at perphaps not really bothering to delve so much into misery. then i felt stupid for even thinking such things. why should i join the lot? what if i become like them? is that the best ?
in my mind i want to talk to you ..
really i do. to clear up this confusion, this mess i've created. perphaps to talk and have coffy. and maybe you'd prtend to listen and let me tell you i am sorry for causing you pain. perphaps we could work something out. perphaps you'd tell me you still want me around. perphaps you won't tell everyone how you are leaving me.pephaps you would pick up the phone. perphaps you would stay
perphaps , perphaps perphaps..
we could just go back to the start
[headmusic]: the scientist by cold play
[thoughts]: let the day perish wherin i was born i spend my days waiting to hear from you
i cant remember how work went today
it past me by just like that
i went to zouk after work
ben came for some interview at the bistro. kinda tired. feet pinched and didnt wear socks with the lousy shoes. great. so now i have 3 huge blisters and i am very very tired
leo is worried.
when she saw me after work she kept saying i keep shutting down on her.
the fact was i just didnt know how to keep a constant smile. but i did. smile i mean. CK was being lame and i didnt laugh. but i stopped. i thought if i continued the laughter would turn bitter, then i'd have to choke back my words and run from the table.
didnt eat.
cant remember when i really did. think the nick name "tum jiak" given by CK can be scraped. sitting at the table after work to eat the usual supper, for once i didnt eat. CK raised her eyebrows. oh and a new entry to the supper gang, at work there was the new girl. her name is dewi. and yes , matthew has a nack of choosing super cute girls. and yes she is ultra sweet. keep hearing the kitchen staff talking about her non stop. -shrugs- my feet pinched. what do i care
i went to zouk.
stayed at members and join the bitching gang: a combi of ultra bitchy sg girls and melbourners
all me and my sis friends. squeezed in with the help of joe thank god for him.
through the whole night i had 3 hugs from joe
1 hugs from miss ollie
1 hug from shu
1 huge hug from leo
1 hand squeeze from my sis
all telling me to quit looking so scarey.
think my sis is worried.
no one knows what happened. and sincerely i don't really think i know too. how can i start telling anyone when i can lost myself. i keep biting my own tongue. i get those worried looks. then i smile.
i keep spending my time searching the sea of people, looking for your face..
i keep looking though i know you won't be there..
and i felt deaden, cause if you were i didnt know how to react.
i sit,
i bite my tongue
i let you rattle on to everyone
i shall not stop you
nor will i change anything
nor will i defend myself
does it matter anymore ?
i keep remembering all the things we said long before.
i knew you would survive.
i knew too -
i wouldn't.
silly me.
[headmusic]:summer rain by belinda carlise
[thought]: i need a friend. before i just crack up and die
ps: you really are a fucking bastard. you have always been telling everyone that. i just never believed it. now i do.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006 . 5:11 PM
Without youThe ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without you
The seeds root,
The flowers bloom,
The children play
The stars gleam,
The poets dream,
The eagles fly,
Without you.
The earth turns,
The sun burns,
But I die,
Without you.
Without you,
The stars roar
The breeze warms,
The girl smiles,
The cloud moves
Without you,
The tides change,
The boys run,
The oceans crash.
The crowds roar,
The days soar,
The babies cry,
Without you.
The moon glows,
The river flows,
But I die,
Without you.
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me blue
Without you
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
The mind churns
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die without you
Without you
Without you
[thoughts]: they say you can't buy love, but you can rent
Monday, July 17, 2006 . 3:05 PM
there once was a little girl who loved me.i broke her heart.
now,
i am breaking my own.
Saturday, July 15, 2006 . 6:29 PM
You'll say "We've got nothing in commonNo common ground to start from
And were falling apart"
You'll say "The world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But i know u just dont care"
I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got
I see you, the only one who knew me
Now your eyes see through me
I Guess I was wrong So what now?
It's plain to see we're over
And i hate when things are over
When so much is left undone
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well thats one thing we've got.
Don't say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
Still i know just dont care.
And I said "What about breakfast at Tiffanys?"
She said "I think i remember the film"
And as i recall laughing we both kinda liked it
And i said well that's one thing we've got. your words slice
harsher then the keenest knife
that even a stone will bleed
blood tears down
a hellish
plight of staircases
there
we stay
as all falls down
i left myself behind and sat straight-backed immovable like lead to the concrete floors. i would have nailed my foot to the floor boards but they were already stuck. then at that very moment i tried breathing it all in, like the way you try taking in hell's burning fumes, or the exhuast of a broken down old car. same. sitting there i think a brick may fall and it would not have hit me because it just could not anymore. i think nothing could.
when i walk, i keep thinking perphaps i could just walk my way back to you. to where you are. then it hit me cause i did not know if that is where i want to be. empty. to hear hollow words of hate that can slice thin air and me into two. i felt the pieces that was the worst.
sitting in shards of left-over me
i could not piece my thoughts nor string them to something legible. neither smart, nor very intelligent, it was like sitting in your own pee. does not really matter then what happened.
then i heard you pulled yourself up
so i did
so we survive as left-overs of you and me
and you smiled convincing me that its ok. a big generous smile showing that you hate me for everything i am. and i hate you for you being so you and i lose the fight and we go home happy. it is fair. and the world spins round and round then.
and whilst i lost me
you took my hand.
(ps: i am neither happy nor sad writing this. i just had to pen down certain abstract things which at some point floated before i lose them. thats what you get when you have a warped mind and thoughts that show up now and then.you don't have to understand. you can simply act smart and pretend you do.easy)
you: i know everything you do for me, the things you try just to be there, to make me happier and all and all of everything and everything.of course i do
[headmusic]: i just wanna fly by sugar ray
[thoughts]: if you had a bone key to pick my mind i don't think you would wanna see.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006 . 4:02 AM
GRADUATION:strolled in and saw thousands already miling about the UCC.
i wasn't late, nor the latest thanks to my mum and her driving skills.
mum and sis went to park the car so i was alone struggling to carry the huge body bag, my own crap green bag and walk with a long-er shirt. awful. balancing everything i reached for my phone and rang mr teddy .He mumbled something about an interview but i didnt hear properly so i met him , aisha, michelle leong and mr loh upstairs. RP people hard at work!
standing there i felt so sleepy! world cup seriously taking its toll upon my whole family. even my mum who had and exam later in the day!
suddenly teddy turns to me telling me "hey we interview k?"
i was like "huh?!"
in the end me and my mum went "live" and i vaguely remember muttering some rubbish about lit and sch, which now i wished i had better things to say but was too sleepy then to think properly. -_- i was so so so so so so so nervous. argh! trust the smelly neh neh bear to sabo me!
kidding.
the speeches for the convo were as usual awe inspiring. realised later that weng, jia zi and shi yun were also graduating. took thousands and upon thousands of pics after. very tired. little pmsy too. but overall, the grad went not too bad.
after that went cream bistro to eat
first time eat there i felt weird. the rest of the day i wound up having cramps and slept. darn cool. now im just staying awake so i can move my butt to play pokies! yippee. i hope this trip goes well.
some words to the people who showed up:
(in order of appearance)
sea:
the first of the group to come was miss ouyang
i was very happy to see her after quite awhile.sadly as people pile in i realise how hard it is to really spend time truly talking and taking a proper picture with people. i think she waited rather long. thanx for you patience and everything you ever understood about me after all these years:) **hugs. we really must have coffy and a nice chat SOON. erm .. and at the beach perphaps? haaa
david:
then came david. and yeah he did show up after he nearly changed his mind
he brought me a bunch of very different flowers which i have no idea what lilies they are. he brought this huge camera which i think he use on the site for field observations. farnie. xie xie ni hu. i am glad you showed. thank you for always being there thru the years. ha. i know he is darn happy i've grown up and finally graduated. im happy too
pei:
then while i standing outside trying what my sis called to "rush in to the scene" and take pictures with the commencement board as a back drop, she showed up. funny part of the day was her hugging the board and the entire motely crew taking weird face pictures! hope to post them up soon. i just want to say, thanks for waking up. i know how you hate it as much as me. and even though you came LATEEEEEEEEEEE you still did. and im glad you happen to be back in sg so we can take these pics. hmmm...shall we show king ?
apple:
yar! wake up late... ha thats what sea told me about this girl
thats why sea came alone first. see what a sabo you are!this girl finally showed up agian while i was stuck taking pics. haaaa.. love you woman! thanks for taking the effort to get from your place to figure out your way to NUS.im overjoyed you came. its been how many donkey years. finally from SC to today. o man i feel old. we are old. ahhhhhh !
to the RP peeps @ work:
teddy: bear aka boss? maybe that should be the new tattoo? but i still like the word "FATS" on the arm. bloody cool lar. okie but on a more serious note: thanks for being understanding and for trying. i know
aisha: hey girl so glad to see ya after so so long! missed you alot!
mich leong:thanks for the interview and the killer questions. i was damn damn stoned lar. hahah... you looked very nice today :)
dylan loh pei fong: continue smiling like that, i so swear one day i'll see you on some darlie commercial -_-" you STILL are and ass and you are so freaking shameless for taking SO many pics with my sis. o man
[headmusic]: when i grow up by celebrity skin
[thoughts]: even a dog needs a rest and kind understanding
: omg i've graduated!
: im making efforts to be better and its all because of you
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 . 2:54 PM
things that happened and i keep failing to mention:~you showed up on a bad day and made it all better
~caught the king and the clown finally
~i finally heard matthew's infamous laugh
~i STILL can hold my liquor after so long
~i STILL hate teq
~miss a hates me
~i really don't like eating leftovers unless you feed me
~i miss having steamboats
~the fact playing mahjong seems like such a chore i feel sad knowing things are different
~i want to suntan again minus the agony
~i think i need to make a decision
~my assumptions are sweeter than reality
~im happy italy is going to the finals
~crystal's permanace at my house is in jeopardy
~i may be going UK for 3-5mths
~i am going to be "houseless" soon
~i found out there is a new agency called easyway travel
~i cut my hair and i am fuzzy
~i pulled the last of my wisdom tooth so i am offically dumb
~i love-hate that i work
~i have work practically everyday just ask me what time
~for something that insignificant i wonder why money causes so much problems
~im really beginning to miss school life never thought i'd ever say that
~i am trying to be accountable
~think i am gaining weight agian
~i am weak and stupid
~i bought a $3 tee
~i am too tired to party nowadays give me good company and conversations anytime
[headmusic]:money money money by ABBA
Saturday, July 01, 2006 . 2:52 AM
neoy told me to blog sumthing happy instead.but i could not
so for a change i'll tell a story:
once upon a time there was this little girl
who worked when she did not ever need to to buy a star for the one she loved
somehow when i work like crazy she makes me feel
like i can never measure up
until now whatever i do
i still feel the same.
are you happy now mr neo?
[headmusic]:wo gen de shou shang le by jackie chuang
[head]:im such a fool.
so are you.
