Tuesday, September 19, 2006 . 8:16 PM
i recieved two emails today. from strangers i didnt know. one was from gill, the other was from this girl called jamie.both telling how my words have affected them. i smiled and nearly cried cause they sent me balm for the soul, words telling me they understood the pain i feel. they said they were sorry i lost someone that important to me. i didn't know what to say. i think i bit my tongue.today pei was ironing the clothes and turned to ask me how would i describe her to other people i'd date in the future. i really didn't know how to reply. i said i would try not to talk about her in the first place. i didnt know how to answer her. tell her that "yeah, i'd tell them that you left a fucking hole in my heart and i can't recover" suck on that. nah .. i couldn't do that. i wouldn't. i was civil. i just hope that in the future, for especially my sanity's sake i could figure out a way to talk about her without feeling pained. without feeling anything was best. i think that would be a nice start to something new.... eventually . i think i need to learn how to do that very much. ha .. and if i can't after many years, yeah, we are old, and she ran out of people to seduce, i'll marry her and start a knitting club or something.kidding
but yeah, she did ask me if i would marry her if after many MANY years she couldn't find someone.
i think i need to clarify this point with EVERYONE.
i never was one into giving second chances. especially if i did give my all. i tend to wonder if there is anything left of me to give. usually the answer is no. i can't. to leave a person is for me to kill myself, my heart, my feelings and then .. if humanely possible to move on... happily or not thats a different matter.im killing myself at this moment im typing this. bit afraid i'll come back sg dead from the heart down.i do feel quite drained already.
i guess my true answer to anyone's question is :
if i still love.yes.IF
to my friends: this is hard. i think you guys know how i've felt for so long..the waiting, the hell of being left behind.. the huge mixups..everything and anything. somehow i think im glad you guys seem to understand and send me words of encouragement. i guess it goes to show how all this has destroyed me and im glad you guys know it.thanks for caring:)
back to wonderland
heard scandelous reports from miss dandan. as usual the ah lians and her own mickey mouse club fans are bombarding her with the usal proposals to go out, have a date, go drink. it always amazes me how on earth does she get all the girls! bloody hell. i think i need someone to share with me this magnetic whatever you may call it secret.yeah, im jelous. why ain't MY hp ringing? hmmmmmmmmm... kelong
talked to bear, im glad ya doing fine.. tmd your losing weight.im so so fat. a few days back a stepped on the weighting machine it said 60!!!! omg! -_- but pei told me cause i weighed myself on the carpet thats why. o man i nearly cried lah. really horror shocked. but yeah im not 60! getting there lah. plan to start eating pills soon. sighz. bear oie where is my email!!!! i haven't recieved it! where on earth did you send it to? gmail?
oh my hair is getting long. im still in shock when i look at the mirror its getting to touch the half way mark down my back.serious. i wanted to cut my fringe but the legend girls all said NO.i dunno why. anyway, days are flying by its into the 3rd week ive been here. how fast time flies. i've worked part time at legends and played paintball which gave me a couple of scars to prove hey i did do a sport!battle scars to prove it. and erm yeah, even got into a car accident which was crap. (some speed demon couldn't brake and swerved crashed and caused a pileup) oh and even been offered a FULL-time work schedule at legends.kinda nice knowing that the boss didn't think i was too bad. if not i wouldn't get the job .ermm.. right?
LEGENDS work schedule:
MON-THURS :3-7PM
FRI & SAT:12-7PM, 10-1AM
i do the day shift on weekdays and full on weekends.starting tomorrow. but seriously i dunno how much i can tahan. i still wanna go DFO and vic mart to shop:( hmmmm... shall burnout this week and deal with a more "offical" and settled schedule next week. wish me luck everyone. kays abit sleepy now. sitting in monash library so miss pei can study. unfortunately she is distracted by checking her shameless slut's pics on friendster or blogger or whatever. tsk. yeah i don't wanna go into that. cause the words i have to describe that whore is really beyond what blogger.com might find acceptable. so... i shall be nice and refrain. *peaceful look.see i am learning
so before i go i do wanna say something. this is especially directed at little miss ill-formed and to everyone else reading
the thing about blogs is:
they are open sources of info. info into people's lives. for mine only a fraction is here just like everyone elses.i want to send this portion of my entry out to those ill-informed busybodies who THINK they know everything. unless i converse with you direct, you serious cannot be so deluded as to believe you know everything and whats going on and have a right to judge due to second-hand info.its just like second-hand smoke. its so so much worse. get it? i do. DO YOU ?????? duh ..
this is for you:
YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU JUST WISH YOU DID.
(judgemental low intellect prick)
[headmusic]:ain't no sunshine by billy withers
[mind]:you're so special. just like everybody else
Saturday, September 09, 2006 . 6:40 PM
tiredgotten an sms when i was out with flo saying i was low fucking bitch
i really don't have a clue what happened. not yet anyway
was chatting with flo and heard about her tumult relationships over her 30 years of living
to think i felt dead. hearing about flo i started to see that perphaps even now things really were not as bad as i thought. there are people who have felt more pain. people who have been stabbed deeper. but even then this lady pitied me. yeah she pitied me like alot. nice to hear she would try and look out for me through the stay here.
i think its not easy to remove years of life together
things shared.
there are i admit too many many things i love. still.
but despite everything i find i still love melbourne alot
the thing is i must let go. so i enjoy my time here but i cannot under circumstance believe so deeply that this is to be permnant.that if i have loved i can't keep. so even looking at the scenery is difficult. i love the wide open skies. makes me feel like running to nowhere. but then i have to forget these skies. then i come back down . back to myself. back to this hole of depression.
does this sound firmilar?
i think its sound like the rain.
saw a rainbow today.
beautiful.
too much rain and sadly no hail. just freezing freaking cold. and it shone. half cloudy half sunshine. thinking about it makes me think it is excately how i feel right now. half of me in shadows the other beaming and smiley making sure to the world i am ok.much cooler then i seem. its fine. flash them all a smile and make sure you show some teeth. genuine as hell. yeah right.
in an hour i'll walk to legends to work.
let me walk it off. serve drinks and work it off. this mindset of mine. she wants to talk. i do not know about what. she says everything i say is all screwed up. she believes that since ive hurt her, she has some right to hurt me now. i take it all. seriously. im just upset.
upset with 7am phcalls.
miserable when the hp beeps
torture by why on earth she made such a lousy choice of being a marriage breaker. a third party
did i really know this girl ?
i don't dare to pursue this pain. of hers and of mine.
i rather keep to myself and be as usual silent. i thought intially i may survive. then agian i hope things revert back normal. like we are all deluding ourselves. we shall all be polite to our own murderer.civil society. perphaps we really have evolved. man has progress to the point of the invisible and the dillusionary.
i miss secure days. old days
days where i could wake up feeling sure about things. days when i could take your hand in mine and run knowing you would run with me. these days i am just lost. if you asked me to talk about this pain i figured that not answering is best. i never know what i can and will say. i rather hurt myself. i'll need therapy when im home. i feel it like screws turning loose. slowly but surely.
i see my eyebags and already set the teabags in the fridge ready for use
i think my brain is tired. i used to think much more of her though. now i am just disappointed at the situation she is in. and me.
[thoughts]:i did learn something after all. there is only this much you control about life. i need a housewife i woke up it was 9.50am melb. sg 7.50am
heard noises in the living room and went to pee.
let me just say:
i think you should stop saying how much you have try soughting after me. i realise i can't compete , nor was i ever in your mind at all compared to a lousy 9am phcall.
even i never had a sg 7 am phcall from you.
im sad.
if i could throw in a little hate would be good
i can't even be spiteful. hurray for the scorpio who kept her tongue. many people would have been proud of me.but i tell you guys what... i rather be dead
to everyone else:
im tired of those piteous looks
asking me is it hard is the worst thing.really.
YOU try.
i'd like to bite my tongue
the thing is trying not to die.this world is so full of shit.
anyway back to some shallow reality yester i worked!
yup got a job at the infamous Legends this pool place at chapel st.working doing the usual waitressing outside the pool counter.they kinda need people for the weekends only so _shrugs- im IT. o and i got tips!$10.80 worth from the customers . so tightwades wouldn't even part with a mere 10cents! i tell you so kiam man. eddie shouted "YOU CHEAPSKATE!" so loudly.
wasn't a bad first day.eddie and mori and even sue were nice thought i did fuck up a little in the beginning with the table orders.
then the happy odd group: flo, her cousin, pei, me and sue headed down to The Beach Club this new place tessa is working in. and yup miss t.shaw was working so i wandered around and saw ollie. poor girl fought with robert as usual. he really is quite a nut and sometimes though i hate to see him get scolded by miss ollie, its better then getting cheated by some cheap whore girl.
realised to my horror it was greg's birthday cele.my face stoned.
he was pissed by the time we all got there ard 1.30am.he was like "you are ... you are.......?"
"MICHELLE!! yesshh! michelllleeeee.....!!!" then he looked at pei when she asked him whats her name and "ermm..erm... you are ...??" what a sob.met his friend can't rem the name of the guy. kinda "getto-ish" he told me he is singaporean too and he stays in yishun. i told him i stayed ang moh kio ave 1 and we hi-fived. think we're being bit silly.
the Beach Club plays horrible R&B and not bad house
their idea of r&b was like semi techno mixed getto and shit. pretty bad
in the house room we were surrounded by beefy men and strange people dancing. wanted to laugh but i held it in. fun... wasn't bad for the happy odd group.
they we all left, cramped into flo's car and headed to Chapellis
shared a scallop pasta which was amazing for a main course. everyone in the table was watching me eat bread (bread, butter and sprinkle lots of parmesan) and yeah after that i open the cheese bottle and ate the cheese powder with my knife. didn't care what people thought really.
touched home at ard 5am.
back aching.maybe it is the shoes. i bloody forgot my boots. kill me.
can some kind soul who loves me send it over before i freeze my toes off? haa ..
and yes
i look at melb sky line its all the same.
the parties , the people, the shopping, the goddamn buildings -
nothing has changed.
just what i feel now.
what im suppose to feel now.
i was having this weird idea in my head: maybe seeing how static i am vs her changing, in time with enough pain i'll learn change too. like i've said winter has to be alot colder. maybe i'll turn ice.
shoutout:
bear: hey .. how have you been? its raining. its freezing. today is suppose to have slighly hail.i should learn and be happy. just like you are when it pours. then maybe i would be
leo: girl, don't worry. and yes.. gifts gifts gifts!
lit: *pats .. yah pal i so darn miss you! better get your ass here we'll go shopping
ollie: thanks for the offer. i'll kiv
miss a: im really sorry about the job thingy.i wish you had what you wanted
duckie: i so so so soooooo need you right now
ALL: HEY THIS IS MY AUSSIE PREPAID NUMBER PLS TAKE IT DOWN. AND YES THIS PREPAID IS MINE JUST GOT THE NUMBER YESTERDAY AT OPTUS
MICHELLE'S AUSSIE HP: +61417740953
OK shall watch some dvds.tonight there is work agian
i hope i can get more jobs. i need work therepy. everyone who knows me well enough, they know why.
people back in sg- i really miss you. if you have my number plz contact me whenever. i'd love to hear from you. ANYTIME
[headmusic]: i don't wanna know by mario, bimbo revolution
[thoughts]: i wish you were here
Thursday, September 07, 2006 . 5:24 PM
I never knew how to forgive because it was in my nature to not yield to even the mere suggestion of it. I was selfish and could harbor hatred like the way a camel stores waterPerhaps you could say I never loved.
And I could not let go because I was not generous
I could never shared never learn bend nor show anyone I could break down nor up. I was mean and unfair just like the way you said I was.
Perhaps they would say I never loved
But I look at you and I felt defeated
A whirlwind I could never control, never hold.
It made you happy to be this way I knew so I let you.
I’ll take all the rain if you are able to stay in sunshine. I don’t mind.
How was I to know all I ever did was wrong.
So very wrong
They say “one cannot love to order”
I say “love has no order”
I don’t know how to separate the chaos and the reminisce of Me mingling inside my head now
I would have shot myself but I have no courage
Perhaps all would say I never loved
Then I grew old
And I think love has cost me
Something betwist between my soul and my mind
Too much
So they say I never loved
So they say
They all say so much
Well I say
Love is forgiving when you are falling apart
Love is the learning to let go because this will make everyone happier without you
I know that
Now
Perhaps everything they ever said was all wrong
====================================
i knew i lost her
she wants someone else.
winter should be colder
but then agian it doesn't matter.
i think i seriously stopped feeling
anything.
now i thank god everyday i wake up not thinking
i pray i died immediately the days i am
[thoughts]: after 3 years that goddamn fucking profile says "single". o god...
Sunday, September 03, 2006 . 1:13 PM
so it was to watch over over me
this chain
this god
the one moulded in alablaster the color of ice
hands covering his face
hands covering his face
i wish i knew why
you said that he was to protect the wearer despite all the mischief he/she has done and to encourage socialism and liberalisation
perphaps that is why he sat there
curled up and blinded by his own device
eyes wide shut only hearing
friends and freedom come expensive these days
friends that hold you,
freedom of the rest of the world,
i guess that's why even the gods
have to be blind in order to give you this on a platter
then you leaned back and looked again at
me, the god, the ice and
told me it did not suit
somehow in a strange way
i think it does.
[headmusic]:P.I.M.P
[thoughts]: the thing is the eyes tell the truth. even if you don't. that i would be
good
