Monday, June 04, 2007 . 11:20 PM
that i could not be there for you at this momentthat i shouted more times then i needed too
that i hit you when you did
that i had not enough patience to wait it out
that i tried to stay but changed my mind
that i was not "the one" when you said i was
that i kept turning back making you feel worse
for everything i am sorry
yd
everything goes back to negative one.
[extended version]:
met mariah and dani yesterday. we went to ICB then headed down to acid
had dinner with mariah and as usual she has always been one who manages to put everything in perspective for me. i see her as my "voice of reason" when i lost all ability in that area.
i told her about my outing with alisha and shawn.
about crystal being shanghai-ed into alisha's house by shawn's request.
about leo and shu big confrontation with shawn in french connection.
i also told her about how unreasonable and what a mess i've been lately.
she gave me alot of hell with regards to the confrontation. and for the first time she went all silent while i spoke about me. i think im not a liberty to say alot of things. with regards to my friends who would see too much details as too much invasion of their personal space and reputation. with regards to me i just can't aren't things bad enough?
i think mariah's silence really hit me
it said alot.
what i didn't tell her was my 72 hours-and-counting headache
i didn't tell her too that i think the headache was my misery manifested.
woah would she rail at me then , then i'll never here the end of it. and so i didnt say.
ICB was so-so . dani said she ought to have a VIP card from them by now.
i think very soon, i too will get a platinum no, titanium card. we sat down and played blackjack. then the girls migrated to acid. entered acid when i saw someone waving at me. suddenly i realised it was kenny from sch!its a bit jaring whenever i see him without his glasses. so un-kenny. we chatted. he said something funny. went back to the girls and i soon left.
i learnt one thing that night: i really am useless at deciphering accounts.
tonight is ladies night.
the girls and me are heading out. i need a drink. even a tiny one is most welcome. i realised i have not been partying/chilling so much in such a daily stretch in a long long while. everyday seems to have a minimum requirement of a drop of alchohol. i feel sick. i think the beer is the only thing keeping my weight up.
leo is on her way over ..
think now she has a new job: forcing me and shu to eat food=) jia you girl
::I'M STILL HERE ::
I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive
The cities grow the rivers flow
Where you are I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
I'm still here
You've seen the ashes in my heart
You smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be
Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay I will remember
I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
You just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive
The lights go out the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to run away
But I'm still here
I'm still here
[HEADMUSIC]: signal fire by snow patrol
[THOUGHTS]: just when i needed you most
[HEADMUSIC]: i'm not okay by my chemical romance
[THOUGHTS]: whatever it is just bring on the drinks
