Monday, October 09, 2006 . 12:34 PM
note: this blog gets me in such a fix at time i was thinking just the other day how i should delete all of it. yet .. i was a wuss. i couldn't. didn't want to delete the weird times i lost my mind. the irrational thinking that floats in and out of my mind once upon a time. at times i even thinks its funny. now ... looking back, they only cause me such trouble all this past pains. why not delete. ahhh dumb me. like i said. it does get me into so much trouble with my future. stupid me. i gotta be less sentimental and compulsive in hoarding all my thoughts. so .... maybe one day, when i do feel that devoid of feelings , you'll find all my past year entries simply .. gone.but for now yeah they can rot here.
can't remember most.
so i read
and reread
feeling nothing
shoutouts:
to the fuzzy bear:
hey im sorry you get so affected reading. my past and stupid things that drive me up the wall before. im half sad and happy to say that i feel almost nothing now.sounds bit strange that nothing can affect me anymore. the worst has past and im looking forward. i want to restart my life. i hope you do the same too
to my girls back home:
oie!!!! really NEED to party and lim. yesh! i got the testimonials.i am in agreement.i know you guys dunno much what has happened so far. sorry for keeping alot to myself. we'll catch up k . esp after sexy's rari raya :)
to the boys:
yes nixx! i miss you guys too! glad ur guys can all meet up still back in sg. plz stay in touch k. and mr rocky , oie siao eh .. how have u been? you like totalli died ah. okie take care hor.
and yes its my few days off!
thinking im growing bit too independent for a tourist. is that humanely possible? okie. more like a solo tourist. i shop myself, cook, clean eat by myself. get to work myself via trams and trains. i wind up thinking alot by myself.
i think finally the second phase of my life has started.
growing up
working solo
absolute independence
dependency upon me myself and i.
i am proud you know. of myself. everything i am right now. proud cause i am able to do things now focusing on number one. somehow i feel stronger.no agenda. and work my day around myself. how i want it. i have 1000000000000000 choices. though usually the pig i am chooses my vcds, cooking and cleaning naturally. o yeah and work. that's all.
boring me.
shall shower and watch vcds. usual day off stuff. ta
[headmusic]:misunderstood by bon jovi
[thoughts]: i just wanted you to know ..
Saturday, October 07, 2006 . 1:18 AM
I've been dying inside you seeI'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me just got home from legends
pretty slow day.only highlight was i got a free shirt that reads "ever tasted a natural blonde?"
it's a promo thing for natural blonde wheat beer. bit bimbotic but yeah didn't really care.wore it during my 10-1am shift
SBS started playing porn ard 1230am dare boring dunno who switched to that channel.
other than that the day was flatlining and my eyes were watering from all the smoke
i recieved an sms today
i was stunned. but yeah it was sweet. thankx. poetic. but sweet.
okie really tired now. work at 12pm-7 10pm-1am again tomorrow. alan and gang mentioned sumthing about going out cause his girlfriend is here in melb.*shrugs.i think i won't have strenght.very very tired.nites world
[headmusic]: over my head by a flock of seagulls
[thoughts]:; a movie sounds good
Tuesday, October 03, 2006 . 5:42 PM
i think i really must hate you ..then why is it that diamonds still fall
yesterday was invited to yi's bday dinner.
there was yi, wendy, wendy's girl (i can't remember her name) claira, pei and me.we met up at this steakhouse which pei claims that the smell of the steak can be smelt all the way from prahan. amazing. erm .. and no i cant smell it.
k lemme discribe the group
yi: wearing black pullover, short black hair with some streaks of blond in them. nice girl who thinks i stare at her too much. ha . i don't and yeah she is pei's friend and helped look after the cats once upon a time. she has this chin stud which im like not pain meh
wendy: yi's house mate. kinda funky spunky girl with aero dynamic hair. sweet face and she wore semi formal pull over with a shirt
wendy's girl: this angmoh, i think she is aussie. she like to smile alot. quiet girl but yeah sweet. she wore some weird looking knitted top. i didnt like it. but yeah she does thats enough
claira: this girl, shoulder lenght black hair. reminds me how i used to cut my hair like that. she is one of the rare people i know that has a lip ring. its black.
and yeah so that basically is the group. didnt know them well but sorta try and chat when i manage to get myself out of the depression i felt.
steak was good. went all the way home to get THE BOMB then we all trooped to yi's place.
the bomb is a bomb shaped timer which ticks while the players are suppose to form words with the given cards inside. yi kept getting bombed and drank countless shots.shots of yucky gin. eek.
end of the nite i drank 3-4 shots of gin. very disgusting.
i keep thinking that gin smells of flowers. i drank 2 beers. sounds so little compared to sg. we all watched margret cho's ALL I WANT IS ME FOR MYSELF. something liddat. not sure about the title. i kept laughing then. nice to know that its little things like these which are still able to lift my mood.
after the show spent the wee hours playing THE BOMB then i sat outside drinking.
claira sat with me and we chatted. she is amazing. her perception of relationship totally blown me away.
she never in her life been in a relationship with anyone and she feels there is no need to. she told me about how fleeting people are really. superfical animals really and thus in short she doesnt see anyone worthy of that time. that commitment. she is that cool
her voice reminded me of sea.
her words vesus mine own in defense of relationships. i made me sad all over agian. its strange how i could be talking, cold, and tearing at the same time. how could i feel so lousy yet still fight for the whole notion of a relationship and why it is important. claira was kind not to mention the tears to me. kind not to point out nor throw a sympathic arm around. i swear i would have cried. not tear. cry. good girl. but yeah she was gonna head home but stayed till we left. so i guess i did come across as a little pathetic and her sympathy was while she waited till we all headed home.
she said one thing to me " i know you want to be like me"
i was like huh? but maybe she is right. i really don't wanna feel. perphaps after all the debate i lost.
yi puked alot.
it was funny.
i went home to crash. it was like 5-6am.
i really must hate you
you make me feel this fucked up
[headmusic]: over my head by the fray
Monday, October 02, 2006 . 4:15 PM
to whoever that reads,i just read the whole chunk of posts on the cbox. obviously i wrote the past 3 entries without checking the box first.
i could have been smart and simply delete and form of weakness and how i really feel now so that certain people will not gloat but yeah, it doesn't really matter anyway. i knowingly allow you these simply pleasures such as scoffing at me and my misery. fine.
to the pair typing these posts:
the way you type and the way you phrase your words. saddly it gives you away. i realise that. and yeah i think i do know you. and yes, we did talk, i just think that if you consider simple replies as knowing a person you really need to change you point of view.
either way, thank you both for supporting pei.
i think its good she has friends. friends who will defend and support her even when all they have are half-baked ideas and one-sided points of view to go on. they still support her. thats what friends do.
you call me some martyr of my own creation
in short you realise i dig my own grave and sit in it.
i want to say now that it is EXCATELY poeple like YOU that is why i can never remove this stigma. even when i want to start anew. i want another life. i want a change. it is people like you that make sincere changes that difficult.
i did make a resolution. myself . for me.
things which i even talked about with pei.i wonder if she would even remember. but yeah, somehow we have never fully understand everything about each other but i think she understands what i want to change. how i want to live my life. what i hope for a new start. people like you keep everything i want far away.
you snicker at my sincerity
you despise my emotion pain.
but it is NOT for you i write all this here. online and floating free for all to see.
i didn't write all these for YOU to judge me or give me comments or advice.
i wrote this simply cause i do not write diaries. so i type. not very well. i have no huge vocab which i can show off, nor a word bank to crush you with. i type here cause this is my own chart. MY outlet. not to seek sympathy. nothing at all
i am without agenda
not all is typed here cause one never can type every little thing. shouldn't everyone know this little bit of truth / reality by now?
i had to write this because i really am not as horrid as you think
because i need you know i don't need you to love or even like me.
but i guess just to say, whatever that's in your head, whatever lousy assumptions you have of me. hey, if you cut me i do bleed. i not trying to be some bleeding heart on my blog but hey, this blog is MINE is it not?
i despise my own weakness when i read it. thats why its a blog. and floats online. known to me and just my friends. which i seriously doubt you are one of them. and although i come across as insensitive and emotionless in person. the blog makes me look pathetic. trust me i would have deleted it except for the shallow reason that
1. i like this blog address
2.i wanna keep it for rememberance
so yeah. this blog is not to sell this idea to all that i am upset. don't read it if the language and content irks you. it irks me that i can allow myself to feel this way at times. i need to shutdown. i am THAT tired. truly.
last of all cause of all these strange reactions from people over my break up from my long time relationship this blog is getting more publicised. i don't know from where or how. and who is the source. just to say i am tired of you.
i want announce how i want to change.
i need no people like you who carry my past and seek to haunt me and drag me down. i need no advertisement, encouragement, sympathy, nor people stabbing my in the dark.
keep your life.
read on
go ahead.
by keep your cynical comments to yourself.
someday karma will get you and when it rains for you, no one will offer the umbrella .
yours sincerely
me
[thoughts]: this is my letter to the world who never wrote me back. (at times like these i rather you didn't. thanks) We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same
We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us Man, this doesn't need to be the end
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same
You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love ::I STARTED A JOKE::
I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me
oh no I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died
which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
Oh no that the joke was on me i had to say it:
to ck:
i thought you were better than all that to stoop so low as to believe everything that you hear. it seems that for everything i have ever said to you i might as well have never. for all your misunderstandings, i have come to realise how little you truly know about me, you failure to see me for who i am and i now tell myself what a damned fool i was thinking the better of you.
i don't want to kill myself over things without a beginning yet having an end
i don't see much sense in that fact so why should i be sad. i refuse to be THAT stupid
but nonetheless.. yeah i am sad. i really .. am.
cause again i have been misunderstood. agian i've been let down. again you still don't know me. yet you dare judge me. and agian i am affected. my days go slowly. i am affected and it hits me when i wake up. when no msg comes. when i have to cook, work, play. i am affected. people upon people. all of you have let me down so so badly. and i wish i could so hate all of you. i want to hate you all. i think i might enjoy that
i really cannot take much more of life's disappointments.
i think maybe .. if my heart does not break first then perphaps i will. slowly i feel like im losing my mind.how many times can one feel sad within such a short space of time. how many times can i break myself into pieces. how can my ego still hold. can i save whatever dignity i have left and walk backwards? walk home? walk back in sg and feel the same after all these things happening... how many days can i spend feeling very alone and unworthy.
i bet FATE is laughing at me.
i actually shared what happened with ck with pei. she showed some sympathy. i was wondering if she would rub it in my face but she surprised me. i am touched of course. she told me that ck is a blind bitch. she told me how such misunderstandings may arise. she told me that ck nor anyone else didn't know me well enough, that they don't know any better.i know. yeah i know. but the thing was i really did believe .words. such foolishness. i didnt know how shallow people can be. i didnt know going out with me could make a person feel such disgrace. yeah.. disgrace.
i feel pained writing these word.
disgrace
that i am not good enough hurts
that people miscontrude things about me hurt
that you do not understand me yet judge me hurts
that i fail to fight back and admit defeat hurts
i've lost the ability to speak anymore.
sure i rant and rave. but i cannot truly speak..
i think i've lost my voice and that i do not have the need to feel anymore. in fact i think its better i don't. this is the longest worst period of my life. i can't believe you are not around, that i can't afford to cry, that i fill full to the brim breaking.. i so wish you were. i want to tell you this. can i ?
[headmusic]: who knew by kelly clarkson
