Saturday, September 09, 2006 . 6:40 PM
tiredgotten an sms when i was out with flo saying i was low fucking bitch
i really don't have a clue what happened. not yet anyway
was chatting with flo and heard about her tumult relationships over her 30 years of living
to think i felt dead. hearing about flo i started to see that perphaps even now things really were not as bad as i thought. there are people who have felt more pain. people who have been stabbed deeper. but even then this lady pitied me. yeah she pitied me like alot. nice to hear she would try and look out for me through the stay here.
i think its not easy to remove years of life together
things shared.
there are i admit too many many things i love. still.
but despite everything i find i still love melbourne alot
the thing is i must let go. so i enjoy my time here but i cannot under circumstance believe so deeply that this is to be permnant.that if i have loved i can't keep. so even looking at the scenery is difficult. i love the wide open skies. makes me feel like running to nowhere. but then i have to forget these skies. then i come back down . back to myself. back to this hole of depression.
does this sound firmilar?
i think its sound like the rain.
saw a rainbow today.
beautiful.
too much rain and sadly no hail. just freezing freaking cold. and it shone. half cloudy half sunshine. thinking about it makes me think it is excately how i feel right now. half of me in shadows the other beaming and smiley making sure to the world i am ok.much cooler then i seem. its fine. flash them all a smile and make sure you show some teeth. genuine as hell. yeah right.
in an hour i'll walk to legends to work.
let me walk it off. serve drinks and work it off. this mindset of mine. she wants to talk. i do not know about what. she says everything i say is all screwed up. she believes that since ive hurt her, she has some right to hurt me now. i take it all. seriously. im just upset.
upset with 7am phcalls.
miserable when the hp beeps
torture by why on earth she made such a lousy choice of being a marriage breaker. a third party
did i really know this girl ?
i don't dare to pursue this pain. of hers and of mine.
i rather keep to myself and be as usual silent. i thought intially i may survive. then agian i hope things revert back normal. like we are all deluding ourselves. we shall all be polite to our own murderer.civil society. perphaps we really have evolved. man has progress to the point of the invisible and the dillusionary.
i miss secure days. old days
days where i could wake up feeling sure about things. days when i could take your hand in mine and run knowing you would run with me. these days i am just lost. if you asked me to talk about this pain i figured that not answering is best. i never know what i can and will say. i rather hurt myself. i'll need therapy when im home. i feel it like screws turning loose. slowly but surely.
i see my eyebags and already set the teabags in the fridge ready for use
i think my brain is tired. i used to think much more of her though. now i am just disappointed at the situation she is in. and me.
[thoughts]:i did learn something after all. there is only this much you control about life. i need a housewife
