Tuesday, September 19, 2006 . 8:16 PM
i recieved two emails today. from strangers i didnt know. one was from gill, the other was from this girl called jamie.both telling how my words have affected them. i smiled and nearly cried cause they sent me balm for the soul, words telling me they understood the pain i feel. they said they were sorry i lost someone that important to me. i didn't know what to say. i think i bit my tongue.today pei was ironing the clothes and turned to ask me how would i describe her to other people i'd date in the future. i really didn't know how to reply. i said i would try not to talk about her in the first place. i didnt know how to answer her. tell her that "yeah, i'd tell them that you left a fucking hole in my heart and i can't recover" suck on that. nah .. i couldn't do that. i wouldn't. i was civil. i just hope that in the future, for especially my sanity's sake i could figure out a way to talk about her without feeling pained. without feeling anything was best. i think that would be a nice start to something new.... eventually . i think i need to learn how to do that very much. ha .. and if i can't after many years, yeah, we are old, and she ran out of people to seduce, i'll marry her and start a knitting club or something.kidding
but yeah, she did ask me if i would marry her if after many MANY years she couldn't find someone.
i think i need to clarify this point with EVERYONE.
i never was one into giving second chances. especially if i did give my all. i tend to wonder if there is anything left of me to give. usually the answer is no. i can't. to leave a person is for me to kill myself, my heart, my feelings and then .. if humanely possible to move on... happily or not thats a different matter.im killing myself at this moment im typing this. bit afraid i'll come back sg dead from the heart down.i do feel quite drained already.
i guess my true answer to anyone's question is :
if i still love.yes.IF
to my friends: this is hard. i think you guys know how i've felt for so long..the waiting, the hell of being left behind.. the huge mixups..everything and anything. somehow i think im glad you guys seem to understand and send me words of encouragement. i guess it goes to show how all this has destroyed me and im glad you guys know it.thanks for caring:)
back to wonderland
heard scandelous reports from miss dandan. as usual the ah lians and her own mickey mouse club fans are bombarding her with the usal proposals to go out, have a date, go drink. it always amazes me how on earth does she get all the girls! bloody hell. i think i need someone to share with me this magnetic whatever you may call it secret.yeah, im jelous. why ain't MY hp ringing? hmmmmmmmmm... kelong
talked to bear, im glad ya doing fine.. tmd your losing weight.im so so fat. a few days back a stepped on the weighting machine it said 60!!!! omg! -_- but pei told me cause i weighed myself on the carpet thats why. o man i nearly cried lah. really horror shocked. but yeah im not 60! getting there lah. plan to start eating pills soon. sighz. bear oie where is my email!!!! i haven't recieved it! where on earth did you send it to? gmail?
oh my hair is getting long. im still in shock when i look at the mirror its getting to touch the half way mark down my back.serious. i wanted to cut my fringe but the legend girls all said NO.i dunno why. anyway, days are flying by its into the 3rd week ive been here. how fast time flies. i've worked part time at legends and played paintball which gave me a couple of scars to prove hey i did do a sport!battle scars to prove it. and erm yeah, even got into a car accident which was crap. (some speed demon couldn't brake and swerved crashed and caused a pileup) oh and even been offered a FULL-time work schedule at legends.kinda nice knowing that the boss didn't think i was too bad. if not i wouldn't get the job .ermm.. right?
LEGENDS work schedule:
MON-THURS :3-7PM
FRI & SAT:12-7PM, 10-1AM
i do the day shift on weekdays and full on weekends.starting tomorrow. but seriously i dunno how much i can tahan. i still wanna go DFO and vic mart to shop:( hmmmm... shall burnout this week and deal with a more "offical" and settled schedule next week. wish me luck everyone. kays abit sleepy now. sitting in monash library so miss pei can study. unfortunately she is distracted by checking her shameless slut's pics on friendster or blogger or whatever. tsk. yeah i don't wanna go into that. cause the words i have to describe that whore is really beyond what blogger.com might find acceptable. so... i shall be nice and refrain. *peaceful look.see i am learning
so before i go i do wanna say something. this is especially directed at little miss ill-formed and to everyone else reading
the thing about blogs is:
they are open sources of info. info into people's lives. for mine only a fraction is here just like everyone elses.i want to send this portion of my entry out to those ill-informed busybodies who THINK they know everything. unless i converse with you direct, you serious cannot be so deluded as to believe you know everything and whats going on and have a right to judge due to second-hand info.its just like second-hand smoke. its so so much worse. get it? i do. DO YOU ?????? duh ..
this is for you:
YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU JUST WISH YOU DID.
(judgemental low intellect prick)
[headmusic]:ain't no sunshine by billy withers
[mind]:you're so special. just like everybody else
