Friday, February 10, 2006 . 9:36 PM
IN MEMORIAM:8/2 i remember watching my sis discover he bad bit his tongue due to a sudden seizure
we didnt know as blood poured..
bags and more bags were piling the floor.then my sis realised. after stupid waste of time debates among the family, we sent him to mt pleaseant- a stupid vet place i really hate. it smell awful and so clinical ..my aversion to hospitals and doctors didnt help either. bobbi hated it too. he was always scared to death of visiting the vet.only later down his life he gave into all the visits.
..i remember waking that day to his cries.
i was so tired then. i thought he would lose his voice, but then agian it had already sound broken. like a broken recorder on play mode. a rough squeeling of sounds, raspy and full of pants i hear my dog howl out to me from downstairs. all day he cried. i sa with him watched the second half of this andy lau show "say i love you once agian"(direct translation) patted him on the head and saw his tired eyes. i felt old.
i felt even older hearing him in pain
perphaps i should have shot myself there and then cause i knew there was nothing i could do to help. how useless of me. as an owner what more can i say or do. i wish i knew. i felt dumb then. and very stupid. now my house is dead silent. what a contrast.i wish i could dare say "i rather hear his howls" but i knew that it was cause he was in pain.so now i see the silence as all too deafening for me. i wish i wasnt so.
10/2 i went to see his body today.
"he is always so beautiful" said my sis
i agreed. so did my mom.
bobbi never ever did look ugly. i bet he looked great even when they shaved him for his op. what can some sissors and loss of fur do to the most beautiful and most kindest dog in the whole world ?
-absolutely nothing.
i looked at bobbi and i blamed myself
how ironic when i was consoling my sis that its not her fault we didnt put him down. i try to rationalise things claiming that he would have died in the vet even if we were around.we wouldnt have stood by and watch him go just like that without putting up some sort of fight.
she wanted him to die at home with us.
i think he would have like that too actually..
but in reality it wasn't like that
8/2 we rushed him to the vet before we left
that look on his face i'll never forget
he was giving up. after the struggle with his pain for the past few month i watch him throw in the towel and i saw it.My sis saw it too. i thought he was going to leave use then. really. but at the doctor's he open his eyes. i saw my dog cry.his eyes were glittering tears.
so were mine
i remember saying my finally goodbye to him
i purposely ran back to find him in this little metal cage just lying there motionless.
how small and how fragile he was. how heavily drugged. did he know it was me?
i didnt know it was the final. perphaps secretly i did.
i patted him on the head. i kissed him goodbye
a kiss that was not given for so long. i was away too far an long.
usually he would have ran like he was young.he would run like the kiss was a game and a signal for him to start dashing around the house.
this kiss i watched his eyes with tears
i told him i would bring him home
"bobbi wo men hui hui jia"
i told him we'll be back for him and bring him home.i didnt know if i was consoling him or myself when i said that.
i wonder if he heard me.he always somehow managed to understand my F9 chinese. i dunno how he did it.
but he did.
10/2 watching him look so small on that table bundled in white cloth i told him the same thing
usual stuff that i always say cause i knew he knew.
he always understood.
"bobbi wo men hui lai le.."
"wo dai ni hui jia"
this time i was talking to myself
my best friend of 10-11 years.
i remember once when i was 15 or 16 i came home and cried
i forgot about what but i remembered my dog
bobbi came around and put his paw on me. i pushed him awy. then he walked around me and touched my hand with his paw agian. and looked at me. i told him to go awy. then he started licking my tears from my hands to my face till i stopped. he sat there while i gave him a huge hug.
onther time ann brought miko to the house
boobi as his usual tiko self would follow any female dog. just that all the female dogs reject him. how ironic when he was such a cute dog. i bet all bitches must be blind.
anyway miko kept chasing after me then bob suddenly started growling at her and circled the chair i was sitting on till she backed off.
the last great memory was the day he flew
i rang the doorbell and me and miss a saw him flew.
he bounded out the glass dorr so happily at such high speed he flew with his 4 legs off the ground. we were both stunned but i'll always rem that moment.
few months later he couldn't walk
at the vet i asked bobbi's body so many things
i told him so many things too
i asked him who's going to lick my tears awy now?
who's going to comfort me now now he is gone?
watching him i knew he tried waiting for us to come back.i think he kept one eye open hoping to see the family again
i am so sure he is in dog heaven. i thank god cause i know that wherever he is he is not in pain anymore. and he doesnt have to cry anymore... and i am glad for him
it just that ..
i can't stop crying now ..
name: Bobbi Lim/Loke
bday: 8th august
depart: 6.03pm on the 9/02/06
those who know and have loved my dog alongside me i just want you to know that he is at peace.finally.
::it's not everyday that you see you best friend die::
