ABSOLUT3LY [FLAWL3SS]

2007-10-20T00:15:00.000+08:00

and so i am happy today
lying there
with your tiffany on one hand and your sakuras on the other

ps: diamonds were meant to be worn on the hand. not in a pen . well thats my take. and a huge hint!

2007-10-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

saw you the other day .. and then you faded away

i was happy for those brief moments.
i guess thats all i can say now ..

2007-09-20T16:50:00.000+08:00

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

- Mary Frye

sitting in the NIE library now. typing away.
was just checking out facebook! something NEW that leo sent so i joined. i had always been those slow people who catch on to internet trends rather slowly. ppl kept talking about facebook so i finally got myself on one.

school has been hectic recently. the work load is all piling up as the year progresses to its end. been quite tired lately. plus the day before i had a dizzy spell. think i don't sleep enough.

next week extra work scheme:
monday: qed presentations
thurs: poetry package due
-redo geog package
-micro teaching tone

sounds little. but every package consist of a multitude of lessons / concept mapping/ activities/ schemes of work and the breakdowns for them. tiring.

ravi gave me a lift today, tuty was unable to as her classes changed again.
so i met him at boon keng as usual i was a little late. but he always manages to get to sch on time without breaking a sweat even though he had 30 mins to get there! tuty on the other takes an hour and we always feel stressed trying to beat the clock. wonder is there a difference between men and women drivers? or is it sheer dumb luck ravi gets there fast all the time with time to spare. amaz-ing i tell you.

ravi was typically condemning the work load and i just laughed. i asked him to the NUS thing tomorrow. didn't know who to ask, although i did ask leo first. plus ravi was always highly entertaining as he was cynical. a perfect combi for me. vinod organised this "frat gathering" at YIH and invited me.can't imagine who is going. i'll probably ring shyam later. if anyone reading this wants to go lemme know k.

FRAT PARTY@YIH NUS
Date: 21/9/07
admission: $11
free flow drinks from 10-11pm

how he got booze i have no idea. ask him not me.

im just tired from sch. classes later till 730. ain't meeting anyone so i'll roll home and watch MONK. been asking my mum to borrow them from video ez. still remembered the times when i watched them in aussie. still like the show so i saw no reason why not to continue watching anyway.

i need a holiday!
get myself far from this hell and the work load.

[HEADMUSIC]: only one by lifehouse

2007-09-18T00:23:00.000+08:00

I feel that people are disappointments waiting to be discovered. I try to be patient. So I shut my eyes.

the other day you held a bottle of vodka and started talking to me about shi wei, dan, clara and so on. you remembered how i did not want to hear this anymore. but hey, i still am. and i nodded sympathically.
you bull-headedly gave me a list of 5 things you thought about me:
1. that i am made up of a combo of 4 people
2. that i listened
3. you trusted me
4. that i brighten up your day
5. that i can keep you entertain with my nonsense

i gave a list of 2 things i thought of myself :
1. that your using me as a vase
2. that im mad and unpredictable

i started wondering how small a self esteem i have.
i was speechless and didnt know how to explain to you how nobody would believe your list of 5 things could ever be applied to me. i think im bitter. i think people made me want not to be good. yet you look at me and say i am. i didnt know to be touched, feel humoured and bs-ed to, or what. i blame my skeptism on everyone else. i blame myself for making me this way.

i tried believing i've changed.
every little thing i did wrong before i made such a huge effort never to be that way again. perphaps at this point i am perfect. i corrected all things i ever did wrong before. but then no one would believe this. maybe now you . you tell me you believe me. and im so glad. hearing it made me want to cry. but of course i did not.

i guess i am writing this post just to remember the day that someone finally thought i was good.
that i was trustworthy
that i was worth trying for
that i was worth being there for
that i was worth the time

i think just hearing that meant alot to me.
i want to thank you for telling me all this although you were semi smashed. i am glad you did. im happy you have such a nice picture of me in your mind. although i wished you knew how horrid i was before and how much it took for me to change. how many people i lost and hurt along the way to get this way now.

so i want to thank my past. you made me this way.

2007-09-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

2007-09-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

perphaps your right
i do want you around just to hear what i say then i shut down.perphaps i never did hear a damn thing you ever said to me. ever. the times i said i was, i was not paying attention. and then i said something about ME again. and you got tired cause you knew all i wanted to hear was my own self talking.

damn .

miss s.li told me how egocentric and bimbotic i was today
it bugged me alot

it disturbed me alot maybe because she said all that without malics, without ill-intent, without any attempt at anger, without holding any grudge, without caring if i was her friends for the next ten thousand years or not. without a REASON.she just said it cause i asked her a question. and it affected me and put me in a state of trance the whole day. i realised today how much i valued my friend's opinion till today. some opinions are hard won. i think this judgement was passed non contested.

her alter ego told me the same thing when i asked her opinion. except in the yelling tone she always used.
i watched as she simmered n her seat and tried not to blow up agreeing "' yes !!! you see!!! you care only about yourself! "

it didnt help that today i read a note from jon written way back
telling me how i only cared to hear about myself.one ear in, the other ear out.

all these make me think back on how shitty you must have felt going out with me then. it seems so so long ago. but counting the days i realise it wasn't really. ... now i lament on the days flown by. they seem long and aplenty.how on earth did you tahan me? and where are you now ? i bet your reading this laughing behind your damn computer.

[HEADMUSIC]: around the world by daft punk

2007-09-09T15:16:00.001+08:00

finally found the guts to ring that number ..
i got a tired voice saying "hello" on the other end.

i felt like i got the wind knocked out of me from that moment on. it was like i forgot what i meant to say. i kept reminding myself to sound estatic and joyous when i wasn't. i was tired, crampish and slightly pmsish. i just wanted to talk. a chat. a friend.

i could not get that.
i had a 4mins and 53 seconds conversation.
my home phone times my conversations ... thats why i know.

why can't i find a friend when i need one.
why in hell not i ask myself at times.
why can't i get that elusive fucking damn cup of coffy ?
why in hell do you do this to me ?

why isit when it doesn't rain but pours
and friends are best around for drinks and nothing else?
i bet you're laughing at me
secretly

NOTE : nothing upsetting did happen really.
i just woke up.
i just wanted a friend to talk to. not the usuals. but i guess i miss talking to you. maybe especially since you use to talk at a speed of 300000000000000 words per minute and we keep having to figure out who goes first. i feel depressed. disillusioned. dead.

surely this is a way to kill me.
i think i should get the hint.
maybe i'll catch fire

ps: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. veggies too. go grab some.

[HEADMUSIC]:heartfixer by de-phazz

2007-09-05T17:44:00.000+08:00

at home using the mac ...
i think my mum should suscribe to wireless. the connection at home is driving me nuts.

today i had lunch sum beehoon thing with jon and jacq
i noticed this book " The Naughtiest Girl Agian" i was shocked that jacq read such books. hahah i still remember reading them donkey years back. the book was rather nice. think i read like 4 times? starting to wonder what happened to my copy ..hmmmmmm...

okie back to ICT.

list of things to do ..
1. ICT ASSIGNMENT
2. READINGS
3. POST UP ED PSY FOR THE GUYS
4. GEOG CONCEPT MAP
5. START ON POEMS ASSIGNMENT

TMD ... i hate sch ,,,

tomorrow im heading to the chan sui lan children's home ..
urgh bz bz bz

2007-08-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

to think i had been counting down the days but forgot at the last minute.
i think school is making me older than i thought i would wind up.
it was important to you but i messed up. how silly of me.
for that i feel guilty and sorry.
sorry babe i was too caught up with school and forgot what date, what time, and who i was ,and wound up being prissy and demanding on ya to help me with my last minute presentation. i owe ya one.

actually i owe you two. but thats another story.

this is for you then though i know you don't read this:
you asked me before if i loved you and how much. just like the song, i choked on my reply. i guess i was never really good at words. so this poem will have to do it.

YOU are my North, my South, my East and West;
My working week and my sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought that love would last forever: i was wrong

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy now. i have ICT homework which is a real bitch. shall go sleep. nites world.
ps: i finally have a laptop of my own! wheee!!

[HEADMUSIC]: lost in space by lighthouse family

2007-08-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

sitting at leo's place.
rainy day good for lazing. thank god for HBO and star movies. date movie is on.

made a ranch dressing salad with loads of salmon.yum.
we spent the day debating about mr dragonboat and what consistutes a player.

WHAT MAKES A PLAYER?
firstly we were trying to figure out what is a player and who plays. unfortunately we stumbled as the more we chatted the more it seemed so hard to define what is playing the field.

questions that arose:
1. if you truly cared about the people you dated does that make you a player when you leave them?
2. if you held hands, did intimate stuff is that called a relationship when nothing is defined verbally?
3. if you keep changing people you hold hands with, yet all agree for a non-committed status does that mean you are a player?

but i figure you have to be either: eloquent as ice, ugly but smart, good looking and easy, or evil in disguise to pull anything off.

my debate with her lasted one heated hour. too many questions. i have no idea what is a player really. neither does leo. so i would like to appeal to all who do know how to answer this send me a clue. c-box me

in the meanwhile, i'll drink my red wine and be content.

[HEADMUSIC]: upside down by sick cycle carousel
[thoughts]: sunshine, murphy, monday

scum of the earth

2007-08-17T20:47:00.000+08:00

apologies for the last entry. song was by nickleback. titled someday

i had a shitty day
so im currently awaiting a called from mr UK blocked shyam cus we are suppose to go on some hot date *rolls eyes. im in a foul mood. i need a pal and drinks. only that dumbo can make me smile. so im quite lucky he was free today.

im tired
just for once can i not be so so damn right about you
i wish rocky's words weren't true. i wish you did not lie to me. i wish you had the guts and balls to tell me straight but instead you lied outright to my face. rocky told me i had to find out for myself. and now ,in my brain i am rolling over ideas how to kill myself instead of you. strange and yeah, i hate myself for that too. more than you.

i can't pick up the phone now cause im afraid of the words that will come out from my wretched mouth. shall i condemn what scum you are for playing someone else? shall i blame you for that lie you told me just to hold my hand? shall i rip your name apart from my mind and erase you from my bed? so i shant ring you, because your name is still there. please stop dialling my number. please stop wracking my mind though i know you can't help it. its me and my own fault.

so here i am.
back to the same old die hard habit: drinking
its been so long yet you did not die. and between you and me i guess someone must .
men really are the lowest of all mammals.
i wish they'd all burn in hell.

[HEADMUSIC]: one last breath by creed

2007-08-13T00:55:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i last wrote anything on this blog.
its been awhile since i last wrote anything at all.
nor have i spoken
a word
since
then.

i had an attack the other night
went timbre with mmv and then headed to the pub.timbre was happening. first time i ever went cause i never saw a good enough reason to. so i swung by as i heard nak was playing. mmv and nak chatted while i ordered a well deserved beer. was asking mmv how to pickup people. the stupid ass didnt wanna share trade secrets. urgh

did you know: on a friday/saturday night queueing at timbre take at least 30-45mins in the stupid warm weather? so i learnt.

anyway, then we headed to the pub and had beer and finish the damn bottle of chivas which was left there since how long ago when i was with leo.

i had another fit agian. and now im paying for it. i feel so tired. i feel guilty i shocked and scared mmv but i can't remember a damn thing.as usual the feedback was i was crying. i didnt bother to explain and im glad mmv didnt ask me why. perphaps its better this way..

to teddy lim:
i am sorrier then you think.
i have no words
i lost them all
though at one point in my life you wrote all the words i ever needed for me.
i remember them fully.
i remember the original apology.
thats all i can say
anymore.

you have said all there ever is to say between us.
you made your choice.

[HEADMUSIC]: blind by lifehouse

2007-07-12T09:22:00.001+08:00

You in the Naruto World (What they think of you, Love-life, what you'd look like, your life, village, pics!!)Girls only! by Evie

Name

Your age

Favorite character

Your best friend/team partner

Naruto says

I hate her, she's evil underneath that smile!!!

Sasuke says

Who?

Sakura says

I think she's awsome, but I hardly talk to her.

Kakashi says

.........okay, she's hot......But I'm too old for her

Shikamaru says

Who

Ino says

I never really talked to her.

Chouji says

Who

Asuma

Who

Kiba

That girl is one sexy girl, but I respect her greatly

Hinata says

I wish I could be like her

Shino says

She could be a friend.

Kurenai says

She might be able to teach my students the value of hard work.

Lee says

I shall confess my love to her and protect her for my whole life!

Neji says

Whatever she's just there that's all.

Tenten says

Talented and fun to be with always makes me laugh!

Gai says

The youth that flows from her is outstanding!!!

The Sand Siblings say

Temari: She's alright. Gaara: *blushes lightly* Kankuro: My little bro's gotta crush on her.

Akatsuki say

She's not worth our time

What you look like

Your age

Rank

Civillian

Who loves you

Deidara

Who gets you

Kakashi

How well you get along with your lover

5%

Your life as a child

As a child both parents loved you and raised you well making you a kind and strong-willed person, where many things never bothered you.

Your current life

Everything has gone to rock bottom, no actually there's rock bottom, a whole bunch of crap, then you.

How you die

A rogue ninja attacked you when you least expected it and sliced you to bits and you died of bloodloss, but you got the rogue and killed him.

village you are from

Stone

Where you wear your headband

over right eye

lame.

anyway, stubbled upon this website memegen.net and i realise how lame all the tests are. basically u just put in your name and poof! all the test are like that. i think its crap.

just completed a 1hr lesson .

miss ng, one of my CTs was nice as always. she gave me feedback about my lesson.

guess for a 2nd geog lesson it was not too bad. the class was AMAZINGLY-FREAKING GUAI.usually they are wrecking harvoc in the class during miss ng's lesson. i think they were prolly sleepy. but it was super duper good news for me cause they were well behaved! thank god!

-_-" wheeef! super sigh of relief. now i get to relax till 12. finally i can breathe again. i love school! i feel so crazy for saying that. but i do=) okie shall watch naruto now!realised i havent in quite a while.

its raining. i shall enjoy my day.

[HEADMUSIC]: hey you by madonna

2007-07-09T13:48:00.000+08:00

how rubbish. eeww..

got bored. lesson went by so so. had 4 groups presenting. only screw up- i went over time. sighs ... well next time i'll try to be better. ain't that always the case.

had an interesting saturday.it was comforting knowing that you kept to you words. i really appreciate that. i sounded like a big meanie earlier but i guess it was a defense mechanism: just didnt want to be stuck in a horrid place with strange ppl feeling all alone. think that is one of the worst feelings in the world. and i wanna apologise for being crabby. what started out as a rough night turned out not too bad. it was a good day for me. it was a big day for you.

sunday was spent glued to the bed-i was being horizontal as usual.

[HEADMUSIC]: californication by red hot chilli peppers

[THOUGHTS]: enough of the chivas already... bleahs

2007-07-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

two things on my mind:
~the trip wasn't that fun. sitting in the hospital kinda killed most of it..if u know what i mean
~a little bird told me that she was back in town...well.. erm.. make that a big parrot then who told me. something i didn't want to know.but the news was like thrown into my face. and i didn't ask.and i really don't want to know.. its been so long .. this feeling ought to have died by now. im glad that she is doing alright and happy. but i wish there was someone who would help me through this

[HEADMUSIC]: days go by by dirty vegas
[THOUGHTS]: there were days when i do remember how you said to never look back

goodbye

2007-06-30T15:47:00.000+08:00

so for the millionth time she took her leave
and for the millionth time she came back
for the trillionth time she bounced out of your life and
and for the one time she never did come back

i heard you said hey
hey
and you said hey to all your friends
this what i what should have done in the first place

[HEADMUSIC]: goodbye my lover by damien rice

2007-06-29T19:49:00.000+08:00

::SIGNAL FIRE::

The perfect words never crossed my mind
'Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I've wanted just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eye

There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked

Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety
There you are, standing right in front of me
There you are, standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever
No, I don't wanna wait forever

2007-06-29T18:56:00.000+08:00

when there is no reason to stay u leave
i think that's fair assessment of any situation.

im tired. don't you just hate it when the world thinks their right at the same time when u do? obviously someone's got to lose. this is what i tend to call a lose-lose situation. and worse, personally i hate hate hate being told i am wrong, im awful, i suck. but then agian,doesn't everybody.

i heard i was the worst of the worse.
i didn't know how many worse people out there could be, i could acquire the title "worst of the worse". i am classified as WORST.not worsER. but worst. and i scratch my head at time wondering if i truly am all that mightly bad in the first place.

and yesssshhhh .. obviously it hurts
it hurts for many reason:
a)that u truly care about the person who actually had the cheek to call u a mean piece of shit
b)it truly matters what the person thinks
c)u feel indignant and innocent. super wrongly accused
d)the statement is a lie.there are WORSER people then u.obviously.

and i hate getting mad
i hate getting even even more
and i hate getting sad MOST.

i feel unappreciated
everyday asking the same thing and waiting till there is a time you are free. when ur done with ur friends. when the gathering is done. when i am able to show face. when work has come to a stand. when u decide to have strenght to move to find me.. all this sounds disturbingly vaguely firmilar and im tired of the same tune.plus i get attitude from you. actually im tired of everything. so im making a stand : i shall stop living for u and start living for me.

so as usual my defensive mechanism kicked in and i turned from dr jeckell to mr hyde and i became my usual: bitchy, mean, rash, high strung, irritated, tired, and exibiting all signs of the i hate u back syndrome.

and now i am tired. was asked to party at china one and zouk.
but i have no mood. i have no mood. i have no plans. and i am irritated. great. what a way to start the long weekend. thats why like i said. when there is no reason. don't go. and don't be there. so im not.

sometimes people need reasons. they want to feel special ..
..they need to ..
if not ..
there isn't anything left really ..

is there?

[HEADMUSIC]: all good things come to an end by nelly furtado
[THOUGHTS]:don't pick up something you're going to leave

2007-06-28T15:25:00.000+08:00

went home under the blistering sun,
was wearing this knitted cardigen and i was dying to take it off but can't so i was rushing home. sweating like a mad pig.

at the bus stop i saw and old lady with a thousand wrinkles.i was worried and i think she saw my concerned looked. she automatically told me she was going home and she is taking a cabby. i offered to get a cab for her. so there i was standing under then damn sun again flagging a cab. told the lady to sit in the shade. crazy sun is such a killer. waved by to the lady and waited for another bus and got myself home.

walking by the park i saw to shitzus running around and nearly got hit by a car!
they are so so short it was impossible to see. rushed to the dogs then suddenly a police car came by and asked if they were mine. i said they weren't. the police wanted to take them to the SPCA. i offered to look for their owner. ... so there i was agian . swaeting buckets patrolling my neighbour hood with the two fat lost dogs.

amazing i didn't expire on the spot due to the heat ..

found the house and asked the owners' neighbour if they were home.
they told me the dogs were always thrown out of the house to roam and no one even bothered about them. they told me the onwers were irresponisble and should not keep dogs.

obviously in my heart i totally agreed.
instead i rang the bell and chilled the maid for letting the dogs run loose and told her how the police nearly took them. she heard me... but i seriously wonder if she understood me at all ..

finally crashed myself home. and threw off the cardigen as a reward to myself for my deeds. so tired!

all i can say is may all bad dog owners burn in hell

[HEADMUSIC]: thanks for the memories by fallout boy
[THOUGHTS]: the value of insignificant others

2007-06-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mum!
sadly she and the rest of the family went to bintan without me cause i have school to attend. just got home and its kinda late. we had contact time. *raise eyebrows.. yeshhhh yeshhhh .. CONTACT TIME.

quite tired but i promised to meet the girls: leo, marie, mariah
hmmmmmmmmmm.. think i shall wear my purple dress

they say purple is like a despo color
yeah im deperate for sleep. i look crap and gaining weight agian. this is so JGC all over again. oh noooo ................... must control myself from munching...hmmm..

shall go now. ta all

nie

2007-06-24T12:16:00.000+08:00

TPP was quite a rush:
a mental challenge to stay wide wake as Mr foo explained different teaching concepts/ideas with TR28. he was a nice guy. i liked him so i tried my best to pay attention all the way. heading home i wanted to just die. felt like a terrible headache to stay awake for so long.

i met new friends in school.
everyone is really really very nice. i was glad that i wasn't the only one freaking out. not being the only one made me feel slightly better.

i think i might have found my "new best friend" in school
a nut called shyam. who provides me laughs and is helping me to get to hall3. i can't imagine how he is planning to do this. but if i don't get in and i stay in the other halls i still have to wait for the super slow 199. so either hall3 or 16 sounds good.

keeping my fringers crossed for tomorrow.
already im changing my friendster names.. blogger name and settings so the kids can't track me down. i feel like some undercover agent. how weird.

okie peeps wish me all the best

xinmin sec sch

2007-06-19T16:34:00.001+08:00

RECONISE THIS SCHOOL LOGO?

well ... i've be posted there.

see you in class.

2007-06-15T23:34:00.000+08:00

JLC= joy luck club
seriously cant remember the story and i keep having to refresh my memory before i head off for tution. sighs now trying to download some notes... i feel like a tired panda

note to self: TCC is freaking cold. next time bring a sweater!

[HEADMUSIC]: not the doctor by alanis morisette
[THOUGHTS]: cross between a fry and a fart

heading kl

2007-06-08T15:17:00.000+08:00

WED LADIES NIGHT @DOUBLE O:
(mosaic of shot taken that night.check out my mickey mouse shirt.ha. o god suddenly the pic made me look darn skinny...i need food minus drinks)

watched 200 pound beauty yesterday
quite a nice show. good thing that my mum bought a mini pile of dvds which includes, shrek 3 , 300, the messengers shows like that recently something to help me while time away.

sat car 74 today for the 30000000000 millionth time
started pondering if its a sign. an omnious sign. 74 = "qu si" / go die. minus the omnious sign i realise that if all the lessons go smoothly maybe by next week then TP. panic stricken thinking about it. but since i've been doing so meagre amounts of thinking lately perphaps some panic and grief is good. perphaps.i should start opening my little blue book and study. think its collecting dust on my table.

been meeting quite a lot of mariah lately. i think she keep my feet on the ground and me from going under. not sure if i'll be meeting her later. gotta stay home as a new dog is coming in. male GR. I bet crystal would go mad agian. at least she'll have a play mate when im gone. the silly dog is licking her nose pink! lousy habit of digging the sand from the garden getting soil all over her face and nose and then she start licking it off. i think in no time she will look like rudolf the red nose reindeer-_-"

tomorrow im leaving.

[HEADMUSIC]: running away by hoobastank
[THOUGHTS]: let it burn... i got the girls singing to it in the cab. we sounded sad and happy. i wished we were drunk. and then we were. and now i can't stand drinks. urgh.

sorry

2007-06-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

that i could not be there for you at this moment
that i shouted more times then i needed too
that i hit you when you did
that i had not enough patience to wait it out
that i tried to stay but changed my mind
that i was not "the one" when you said i was
that i kept turning back making you feel worse

for everything i am sorry
yd

everything goes back to negative one.

[extended version]:
met mariah and dani yesterday. we went to ICB then headed down to acid
had dinner with mariah and as usual she has always been one who manages to put everything in perspective for me. i see her as my "voice of reason" when i lost all ability in that area.

i told her about my outing with alisha and shawn.
about crystal being shanghai-ed into alisha's house by shawn's request.
about leo and shu big confrontation with shawn in french connection.

i also told her about how unreasonable and what a mess i've been lately.

she gave me alot of hell with regards to the confrontation. and for the first time she went all silent while i spoke about me. i think im not a liberty to say alot of things. with regards to my friends who would see too much details as too much invasion of their personal space and reputation. with regards to me i just can't aren't things bad enough?

i think mariah's silence really hit me
it said alot.

what i didn't tell her was my 72 hours-and-counting headache
i didn't tell her too that i think the headache was my misery manifested.
woah would she rail at me then , then i'll never here the end of it. and so i didnt say.

ICB was so-so . dani said she ought to have a VIP card from them by now.
i think very soon, i too will get a platinum no, titanium card. we sat down and played blackjack. then the girls migrated to acid. entered acid when i saw someone waving at me. suddenly i realised it was kenny from sch!its a bit jaring whenever i see him without his glasses. so un-kenny. we chatted. he said something funny. went back to the girls and i soon left.

i learnt one thing that night: i really am useless at deciphering accounts.

tonight is ladies night.
the girls and me are heading out. i need a drink. even a tiny one is most welcome. i realised i have not been partying/chilling so much in such a daily stretch in a long long while. everyday seems to have a minimum requirement of a drop of alchohol. i feel sick. i think the beer is the only thing keeping my weight up.

leo is on her way over ..
think now she has a new job: forcing me and shu to eat food=) jia you girl

::I'M STILL HERE ::
I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow the rivers flow
Where you are I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
I'm still here

You've seen the ashes in my heart
You smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay I will remember
I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
You just walked away

Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The lights go out the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to run away
But I'm still here
I'm still here

[HEADMUSIC]: signal fire by snow patrol
[THOUGHTS]: just when i needed you most

[HEADMUSIC]: i'm not okay by my chemical romance
[THOUGHTS]: whatever it is just bring on the drinks

icb and rouge

2007-06-02T14:25:00.000+08:00

went to ice cold beer then rouge yesterday
sat down at ice cold and there was some semi drunk ang moh guy who kept playing with my hp and even sat on my mariah's friend's lap! i was like huhhh ? what the hell.

trooped into rouge with mariah and her two friend. danni and erm... whoever
ran into a member of hall6 while i was hiding in a corner. was wondering who was the nut waving at me then i saw him.he told me the rest were visiting yx in june heading down to aussie land and said i ought to go. funny . in my mind i thought he was a little mad. but yeah i do want to take a trip down to aussie land soon. maybe next year ? year end i shall think about my hawaii trip first.hee. till then.see who wants to go.

ying and the gf showed up. miss alikilim came by with her 2 scandelous collegues
was pretty bored otherwise as the night wore on. yakked abit. rouge was super rnb-ish. but i was kinda tired. angry that a plan was cancelled. went home and crashed

i heard from leo sometime back mariah was planning like a partying schedule for me till i have to go into hall. oh no ... seriously cant imagine how i'd survive. im pretty tired now. things like these make me feel old..

okie dokie shall get ready for tution now. think im gonna be super duper late.
oh no .. where are my books!! **panic...

10 things i hate about you

2007-05-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU :

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive my car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind

I hate you so much that it makes me sick

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. [original]

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU :

I like the way you tend to yell at me
And the way you style your stupid hair
I like the way you never pay attention while I complain about driving my car
I like it when I catch you when you stare
I like the way you throw a foul mood
And the way you never understood and totally can't read my mind
I like you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me lamely attempt to rhyme
I like the way you are so stubborn always want to be right
I like you to be happy to the point I lie
I like it when you finally make me laugh
Cause usually you just make me cry
I like the times when you are finally around
And the fact that you do try and call
But mostly I wondered what the hell is wrong with me and why I never hated you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. [rewritten]

[HEADMUSIC]: cruel to be kind by ferris

not ready to make nice

2007-05-25T12:19:00.000+08:00

::NOT READY TO MAKE NICE::
Forgive,
sounds good
Forget,
I'm not sure I could
They say: time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price and I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go 'round and 'round and 'round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind'a like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind saying
It's a sad, sad story
When a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better
Shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

Forgive,
sounds good
Forget,
I'm not sure I could
They say: time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

[HEADMUSIC]: illegal by shakira
[THOUGHTS]: don't waste your heart

united 300

2007-05-05T14:46:00.000+08:00

enjoyed 300 the movie ? watch this . its a hoot

for the girls

2007-04-30T05:08:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD...

haaa.. i just had to upload these pics! thanks min=)

basic theory

2007-04-28T03:13:00.000+08:00

::THE KNOWLEDGEABLE CHILD::
i always see- i don't know why-
if any person's going to die
that's why nobody talks to me.
there was a man who came for tea,

and when i saw that he would die
i went to him and said 'goodbye'
i shall not see you anymore.
he died that evening. then next door,
they had a little girl;she died
nearly as quick,mummy cried

and cried, and ever since that day
she made me promise not to say
but folks are still afraid of me,
and, where there're children, nobody will let me next or near them
for fear i'll say good-bye to them.

I still love this poem. go figure.

24/4/07 and important date for me!
i passed my basic theory!! wooo-hoooo =) kinda old to be finally getting my licence. all my friends and those that heard fainted literally and physically cause they know i am a road hogger in the making. o well.... sighs. i must have faith. let me prove to you i can just because you said i can't. and i will. shall start reading my advance soon

i was driving today. practising my turns, braking, changing gears, signaling etc. of course in a empty lot far away from sg.ha. how illegal.anyway.i am still trying. cold sweat all the way i had to turn the aircon on after 20 rounds. now i feel dizzy after going through my own circuit of like 30 rounds

i seriously CAN-NOT co-ordinate yet.
horrible...
but i WILL get there.

*grumbles

[HEADMUSIC]: the roof is on fire by ..erm masterboy?
just a bimbo thought of the day: diets are superduper useless but i think i should at least try
urgh

ps: im taking manual class3

some videos

2007-04-27T04:10:00.000+08:00

the fact that this was aired im totally shocked.talk about censorship man.. but funny nonetheless.haa..

super funny. teacher explains the word fuck

3 day tariff

2007-04-21T05:24:00.000+08:00

topic of the day : 3 day tariffs

like all good relationship being flushed down the toliet bowl i always wondered:

what's with this unspoken 3-day rule

there is this rule

its true

although you may not believe in it ..it is there. tucked away secretly behind every girl's mind. the big secret 3 DAY RULE OF THUMB

now, ALL men are dumb, daft , or emo-ly dead we have all got to admit that

even men admit that of men. so how can we women not. anyway , lemme get back to my 3 day rule.

there is a saying, well a thought :that whenever there is a BIG lovers quarrel, fight, head-bashing, car-wrecking moment in a relationship both parties tend to do the distancing act. you know the one. the one where the guys disappear on you, the girls grab out they slutty heels and galpals and go xtreme shopping. yeah. THAT one. stupid moments which cause large hiccups in coupledom. girl cries, guys simply be guys. everyone gets hurt. that kind

well to the guys reading this post here's a tip from me

never let a quarrel then a gap of silence exceed more than 3 days. or u die. its like saying u don't care and you never did. might as well throw in a "thanks for the memories" note along with the silence. erm.. unless of course this is your intention in your first place

girls are such funny things. we wait

yesssssssssss.. we wait. and we also go into denial. oh he will change. its just a phase he is going through. he was abused by his mom thats why he cannot relate to women. blah blah blah run through our mind. everything to excuse this jerk of a guy. but why ladies ? are they really worth it?

well most girls have this 3 day rule which they impose.

1st day: the killer and axe muder im gonna rip your balls out get away from me phase

2nd day:the simmering anger and the questioner you lying cheating bastard don't you care phase

3rd day:the hurt frail and alone i hate you! why haven't you called me and apologise..AHEM i'm waiting phase

after exceeding day 3 thats when all hell breaks loose

it is a unspoken agreement that the contract of "luuurrvveee" is over and that the bastard oughta have died. what relationship? was there one in the first place ? nahh-uhh

some guys use this rule to their advantage of course

all rules are meant to be bent both ways after all. but the girls always amaze me but their resilence through all the shit thrown at them. worst bit is the self pitying and self blame.

was i not good enough? what did i do wrong?

on a moment of reflection i thought i sounded a little too sexist for my liking

i do apologise to the snags out there. u are so few. its so hard to even notice from my plateau.whoops

[HEADMUSIC]: who do you love by ago (dedi to leo)

ps: are u motivated now ?

the UK

2007-04-10T19:24:00.000+08:00

UK drove me crazy with the 5 am wake up calls, non stop country hopping, chinese food(surprise surprise), biscotti from all parts of the UK, packing and re-packing of both mine and my mum's luggage and of course lets not forget the tour people. YESSSSSHHHHH sirreeeee! the evil "TOUR PEOPLE" who got on my nerves ever since day1.

i've so much to say about the UK but i guess i have to start somewhere.so i've decided to blab here about my companions through the trip.

oh, back to the what i was saying. hmmm... o yes! the EVIL TOUR PEOPLE!
i tend to sterotype people because... well, at times people deserve it. so bear with me and try to imagine the horrors i experienced with the types of people i met on the bus travelling the UK.

classification of the bus people:
1. the naive honey poopers erm.. i mean mooners
2. the rich, fat and unfabulous
3. the filial child with the aging parents
4. the unmentionables
5. the outcasts

1. the naive honey poopers:
OKIE... here's where i get all cynical again. honey mooning/love/marriage blah blah blah. just kill me. im complusive , at times i am even sentimental, you 'll find that after years of pain i keep all those lousy trinket, ticket stubs, folded straws somewhere all in a messy pile. they scream" see! she does care." but i keep wondering if its cause i can never bear to throw old stuff away. just stuff now. either this whole idea of marriage and honey mooning totally escapes me. don't ask me why. it's hard believing in the happy ever after. i just dare to admit it.

well this is a UK trip we're talking about , and you know the man is trying to impress the new wife and bring her to the best of "the best" so i winded up with about 4 honeymoon couples in the bus. unfortunately, these were no cinderallas nor price charmings. try, the ugly hiao ah lians and the nerdy kanna tok husbands.

the winner of all winners was when we were in italy, and the ah lians went their favourite prada/gucci/versace/LV shopping and came back with their stolen goods. oh i mean , their harvest of branded goods. showing off they buys to the tour guide, my sis overheard two of the ah lians being so proud of their new established friendship they bought 2 LOUIS VITTON bags same bag, same color, same pattern.

i think that took the cake. i mean, who goes shopping overseas to get someone to buy the same darn bag as you. woman, have you no sense of taste and fashion at all?!

me and my sis were rolling our eyes

2. the rich , fat and unfabulous
as we sat around the middle to the back of the bus, i managed to escape seeing much of my annoying tour guide's face. unfortunately everytime he cracked a lame joke there was there was this evil positively evil laughter. " ahhhh--heeeheeeeheee ahhh eheheeee!"

freaked me out.

it was only days days i found out that this evil laughter belong to an evil woman.
well a wickedly rich woman. oh and her fat husband in tow

she was the typically tai tai in disguise
big freaked out bombshelled hair, semi blond, wears leopard skin fur coats and tinted sunglasses. hey this is all true. because thats EXCATELY what she wore. black leggings and fur coats. what grossed me out was when we were in a jewellery factory in belgium, she was telling everyone in the coach how small the diamond her husband bought for her.

"1.5k only leh . small small lar!" said the showoff
i'd so want to strangle her with all the balls of fur she wore. maybe she might choke on it. hmmm...

3. the filial child with the aging parents
actually there were 2 parent-child groups
one , belonged to a simple 3 group family: mom, dad, working woman. you know the kind. the seemingly unmarried power woman, who wears a rolex who bring her aging parents on a big hoilday to thank them for simply being parents. yeah thats the kind. actually i thought she was ok, except her habit of looking at everyone else beside her mom like they were invisible or that they had three heads. i kept thinking it was my imagination till my sis happened to mention it. of course i agreed while munching on more biscotti.

two, i hate to say this but group 2 was the heartlanders
i called them the heartlanders as they were your typically HDB aunties and uncle who work hard shaping and building the backbone of our nation's capital. the kind who work for a small sum, eat hawker centres, chinese food all day aka cannot live without rice, burp and fart whenever. you know the type

and true to their name thats what they did
the burped, fart, snored their way through the entire trip. i bet your thinking im being cynical. how could i?! but hey its true ! how i know this, well cause they sat behind me. before i nod off in the bus u can see everyone's shoes/slippers off feet on the seats, they bring hard boiled eggs on the bus and eat, speaking hokkien 24/7. in the beginning i was intially disgusted, in think after half a month, neither someone else's burp nor fart can ever ever affect me again. i am THAT n.u.m.b

within the gang of 5 heartlanders there was a mother and daughter tag team
it was rather cute actually.

the mom was semi deaf and the daughter had a short temper
perfect.

poinant moment was when i was in paris. the city of sight, sound, wonderful coffee, fabulous people and famous icons.. standing by the effiel tower wind blowing through my hair i felt glam. thats where i could hear them
"MA , GIA LAH! KIN AH!"

i rest my case.

4. the umentionables
the tiny lot of people who everyone can't remember because they are so unmentionable.

they are like super 007s
you never see them, hear even a squeek out of them. thats why even i am failing to remember them.

excuse me while i move on

5. the outcast
and finally the outcast

just like ancient india and its cast system there is the lowest of the low
and just like the tour group people themselves we split ourselves into cliches different cast of people. the ah lians, ah mas, ah bengs, husbands, kids, ancient and wise, slow and stupid. etc etc.

in this case, WE were the outcast
sadly, my mom, my sis and i fit no one mould provided for us in the bus. we were neither ching-chong nor were we the fat/fabulous/showoffs as we had no 1.5k diamond to spare, nor were we on a mission to prove filial piety.

we were simply out to have fun
drink german beer not fine wine, buy belgium crystals nor diamonds , eat pork knuckles not rice, speak english not hokkien.

we were such good failures not fitting in with the evil tour people
*sighs plus we were constantly late

[HEADMUSIC]: boston by augustana

for the anime crazy people check this link out:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/list?type=anime

2007-03-19T15:39:00.000+08:00

the thing about being mad with the one you care most about is that at the end of everything you forget what the whole arguement is about in the first place. i want to propose a question to everyone: do you forget cause you want to put it behind you or cause you just have to forget or it will result in you screaming thousands of vulgarities and a horridly tempting feeling of murdering the person.

i think:
sometimes.. we all do the stupidest things for love
even if it means biting our tongue when we have so much to say. the pathetic attempts to try and BE THERE for someone to show you care. when you want to cry, you look away, turning back only to smile. looking as if NOTHING IS WRONG at all.

for me i think tend to freak out. i need anger management... i bite my tongue so i won't say the mean things, and in doing so i feel more depressed and sink back into myself. then i don't talk. i hide.building my own hell hole. my own grave

be it same sex or the opposite, when you love-hate someone it can be tough
im sure everyone gets it.it could be your best gal-pal, you buddy at work, some chum at the bar.. that there will be someone out there in your life that you like/love their company, yet hate them so bitterly but YET you can't live your life without them. these morons make and break your day. and you can't do anything about it.

isn't it ironic
how frustrating is that. the one you hold, the one who's hand you take, the one you have lunch with, talk to late at night, the one that makes you have the inspiration to bother and care, drives you the most mad.

sadly,
i for one am not much for caring. like thats news to people. everyone i know has given the verdict that i am stoned, emo-less and basically cold. emo-less is the hottest descriptive word used. makes me wonder does it mean when i do finally care about someone its nothing short of a mini miracle?

according to my friends: IT IS.

[HEADMUSIC]: buddha bar

food for thought
::the thing that makes me mad
is the one thing that i had
i knew
i knew
i'd lose you::

2007-03-17T11:31:00.000+08:00

recieved email from my sis telling me that my ma was also contemplating staying on in the UK too! im glad. i hope she does confirm this. im not really into tours, like to roam the city streets myself and figure my way around. think it would be cool.

we met up for tribal council yesterday at NO5 and
the gang has spoken.

this coming wednesday we shall finally party.
drinking session will start from 8pm onwards. can't imagine how on earth will we all survive.its like a ritual everytime i leave we will drink. sometimes, we just need a reason. i guess ANY reason is good enough. even me heading off. but im glad. nice to have a bonding session and going crazy over our favourite drinks. i have even roped in a new drinking kaki: M.A.R.I.E

as mentioned she is me very cool collegue at jgc
thank god for her or i would have die long ago in that place. so now we are drinking kakis too! she gave me something today. told me if i didnt see her on monday at least she gave me something. it was an ehor pen holder with a note attached. how sweet. its a nice warm feeling knowing your gonna be missed when your gone ..

well , im happy if i stay on in the uk .. maybe for another month ? i wish. would you ?

[THOUGHTS}]: i really am horrible... and its my fault. sorry

2007-03-16T17:48:00.001+08:00

heading to the UK very soon
realise im starting to panic like i always do . i feel that im dying cause im have to go UK, resign, go NIE . where is my life going to? hell i tell you

i email my sis hoping i could stay on while my mum heads back sg
i realise too how i seriously CANNOT LIVE in sg anymore... i need to get out to live
i see my path in life as out of the country. how ironic keeping in mind im about to sign my life over to gov service as a civil servant soon. i KNOW how weird i must sound.

keeping this in mind i actually made a desperate attempt to stay in UK longer like a month? but i think its not worth it cause of the last minute cancellation of stuff. hmm... so i've decided to trudge my butt back to sg on the date sitpulated then fly AGIAN. where to ? ha i can only imagine. not sg. thats it.

i called up some tour agencies.
i felt old doing that. vaguely firmilar.
but i feel completely different cause now i have a NEW REASON. and i think i should be glad.

[HEADMUSIC]:misery by the moffats

2007-03-16T17:48:00.000+08:00

2007-03-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

take a listen.damn funny

2007-03-14T15:54:00.000+08:00

this is not the last 3 lines of my blog post.

its the only 3 in the ENTIRE post

wanted to say that i am sorry

2007-03-12T17:13:00.000+08:00

CNY :gathering at my house
i FINALLY got my hands on some of the pics taken that day=)

me and the girls taking a cheenafied shot over at the rose wood funiture.

haa.. me looking very gross while the girls are striking a sexy pose

me, alicia and leo doing the crystal-wannabe pose

2007-03-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

[BLIND]
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain
I have to carry a past so deep
that even you could not bury if you tried after all this time

I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep only in hopes
of dreaming that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it

that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

check out the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IhiDr6e-_8

[HEADMUSIC]: JGC kids screaming and going crazy on party week

2007-03-09T15:39:00.000+08:00

went to the IT fair at suntec with mr tim khoo
despite it being a weekday it was packed and everyone was squashed like sardines. laptops ranging from a low of $1299 for a simply ACER to 3600+ for a MAC.cameras going for as low as $399 a bundle includes a 7.0 Megapix cam, tripods, SD cards,casing etc. just a little cheaper compared to the normal market rates. wishing all people heading out to the IT fair all the best. bring loads of water and gear your patience ready to slowly pace around the showrooms.

gave me a semi headache and i was glad to finally breathe the outside air.

tim took me to buy ciggs
we drove to geylang and i was like "huh? aren't we going to a 7-11?" then he started explain how all the banglas there walk around the streets selling contraband ciggs. this is did not know. i feel enlighted

the illegal process:
~first you circle around geylang
~then you head to some ulu street where you notice alot of men in black carrying large plastic bags simply bumming around looking as if waiting for something to happen
~pull up your car and wind down your window
~immediately someone will walk up to you and ask what you want to buy
~they literally throw the ciggs into the car and you pass them the cash. $5 per pack
~ and you're DONE !

[HEADMUSIC]: cannonball by damien rice

2007-03-07T12:47:00.000+08:00

FINALLY after 100000000000 years i went to check my porn mail
found a cute mail sent by miss sexy thought i'll share it with everyone out there:

Once you have opened this email, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictionist. Read your sign, then forward this in a new bulletin with your zodiac sign and label, or you'll get bad luck for the number of years stated in your sign description. This is real shit, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning and it only gets worse from there. Stay sexy. :-)

.:SCORPIO:. THE SEX ADDICT
Can be mean. Extremely sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. Freak in bed. Great kisser. Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going.Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever. Romantic.Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
.:LIBRA:. THE LAME LOVER
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet. Amazing in bed. Did I say amazing in bed? Not exactly the kind of person you wanna #### with. You might end up crying. The most irresistible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
.:ARIES:. THE LIAR
Outgoing. Lovable.Spontanious. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser. Extremely sexy. Loves being in long relationships. Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:AQUARIUS:. DOES IT IN THE WATER
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed. The best lovers. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:GEMINI:. DOES TWOSOMES
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very good in bed. Lover but not a fighter but will still knock the #### out of you. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. Very forgiving. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. Ultra sexy. The most irrestistable. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:LEO:. THE LION IN BED
Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive.Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:CANCER:. THE CUTIE
Most amazing kisser. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet. Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great in telling stories. Not a fighter but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:PISCES:. THE PIECE OF ASS
Caring and kind. Smart.Center of attention. Too sexy, damn it. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find and hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good sense of humor. Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:CAPRICORN:. THE PASSIONATE LOVER
Loves to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predicts the future. Irrestible, awesome kisser.Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR THE BEST IN BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first so you will never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:TAURUS:. THE TRAMP
Aggressive. Freak in bed.Rare to find. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as... . Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as... . Most caring person you will ever meet. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. The most sexiest people on earth. 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:SAGITTARIUS:. THE SEXY ONE
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet. Amazing in Bed. Did I say amazing in bed? Not the kind of person you wanna mess with. You might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

.:VIRGO:. THE VIRGIN
Dominant in relationships.Sexy. Someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward

i realise that as long a you have a zodiac sign means you are a "freak in bed"
**super singlish slag ** WHY AH ? WHY LIDDAT ONE?

nice to know the world is a such a happening place
a horny one too

2007-03-03T10:49:00.000+08:00

A(is currently attached to X but slept with B)B(is attached to Y),
C(likes D but is currently attached to Z)D(still holds a thing for C),
E and F are currently attached(don't ask me who they slept with. how the hell should i know)

A,B,C,D,E,F,X,Y,Z
all know each other and meet up occassionally
smile , shake hands , go home

behold: the POWER OF FRIENDSHIP

i am sure many people out there has this somehow been entangled in this problem. even if it is due to a friend of a friend of a friend situation. be it maybe even via 6 degree friendships away or even being the culprit and doing the dirty deed of simply: sleeping among friends.

i always wondered about this topic
reflected quite long. well, erm as long as i bothered to think about any topic in the first place, about WHY do people do that? why do people ...how shall i put this lightly.. "FUCK AMONG FRIENDS?" everyone knows thats bad policy. in such bad taste.

it kinda screws up group dynamics and makes everyone and everything so uncomfortable when everything starts going sour.how awkward.and everyone else knows who you are sleeping with and who is doing who and then all have tea together.

all this totally throws me
but ,
i think the greatest mind blowing bit about it all is : how do you have all your exs in a table , hold on to your current shag and face all your friends and live to tell about it.i think that is so not it. or am i suppose to act like paris hilton and give the "THAT'S HOT" reaction.ermm...hmmm..

it gives a new ring to the saying " that's what friends are for".

on my side i would like to rebutt the age old taboo with my own question:
isn't it comforting knowing that the person who understands you most is your good buddy and sex partner? isn't that the best combo?

and some day 10 years down this road to hell
you'll wake up to realise your sleeping next to your childhood best friend.

suprise surrr-prrissseee.
shock shock horror horror

[HEADMUSIC]:sex and candy by macy playground

2007-03-01T17:31:00.000+08:00

lame lame lame ...

by either way

to the dungeon boys: haaa.. although lame. you guys rock. -_<"

2007-02-22T12:32:00.000+08:00

Trailer: In the Mix

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swapped work days with marie so i can get my sunday off. thank god or i think i'll simply be hanged by the gang. its bad enough i was sick and couldn't be there for many events.i feel so out of touch with the rest of the world.

im still down and still have not recieved any letter from NIE yet. a slow panic is building but im remaining cool calm collected which is so not true.i hope it comes soon.

today i was late agian for work. was late by 30mins and obviously tis does not reflect well on me. met miss ang yester and she chidded me for being so spiteful to my supers.she thinks that i was doing my usual routine of telling them about my other chances with NIE since my probation was extended. hmmmm... i don't think i intended to threaten them with anything. just thought i'd be upfront about my thoughts about teaching and that i may leave the centre anyhow. so the big question now is : is being too honest wrong to when you are surrounded by people paid to ACT and put on masks. how strange that i wind up being in a place where truth holds not much weight in water. it is weighed in my blood.

and you left with the friday gang and now i am so envious, so dying to get away from sg i want to run to where you are. and why not ? i want to hoilday too! well i think hoilday is not the word. i want to migrate and have nice car, small garden which i can grow weed in, a ferret to play with crystal, a life to call mine. how's that for a change?

i feel so chained down. its like i've sold my soul to the devil. well. almost.

[HEADMUSIC]: thank you for loving me by bonjovi

2007-02-21T13:31:00.000+08:00

they say its a bad year for the Pig ironically in the year of the pig
SIGHS so as usual i kanna quite a few scraps myself
its the first day back at work
and already i have had some bad news:
i am claimed to be too bz with my msn,not very the punctual and not hypocritical enough to smile like a nut and be a good door bitch and greet everyone that walks by. hmmmmmmmmmm... how did i fail in all those i wonder wonder wonder!

so now my probation is extended.
-__-" i am THAT lousy. how depressing
thank god again im leaving sg
oh this is a little extract for all you ching-chongfied people out there.enjoy:

2007, the Year of the Pig is with it's Fire Element and representative colour red. Thus it is the 'Ding Hai' Year : the Year of the Red Fire Pig or Boar. 2007 is also the 4th year in the new Feng Shui Land Luck Cyclic Period 8. The year symbolises the element Fire sitting over Water. Both these elements are direct opposites and with their clashing relationship, cannot co-exist. This clash of elements will mean frequent international conflicts and serious internal struggles. Civil unrest will lead to uprisings and civil war will break out in several countries, leading to overthrowing of governments. The Female Fire will be quite devastating. Many states will be preoccupied with border disputes, provincial clashes, cross country terrorism and disintegration of existing territories.

The year 2007 is an year of countless gossips and endless arguments. From the general public to the topmost leaders, there will be disputes everywhere, at all levels. People will have verbal duels and fights and the nature will have it's own conflicts. Rumours will haunt the governments leading to major differences within. Political parties will be greatly polarised. There will be conflicts within the doors also, meaning disruption in family harmony and marital relationships. Unlike last year, this year will see many separations, even though this is also a good year for marriage and child bearing. There will be many cases of young men marrying older women. People will have their privacy intruded, confidential information stolen, sold and exposed to the public glare. If you have anything to hide, the chances are that it will be found out, this year. Their self-confidence shaken, many will entertain suicidal thoughts. On the positive side, shady characters, sinners and wanted terrorists will be caught red handed. Family disputes and juvenile delinquency would be severe. Crimes committed by children especially are not to be overlooked. New comers and females would put on impressive performances this year. In fact, 2007 favours women, especially middle aged women. Large public rallies, countless agitations, raised tempers, high tensions and traffic congestions will mark this year ugly. The year has the potential for situations to gather great speed or burn out of control.

The Pig Year also brings about many changes : changes at all levels. Changes in profession, career changes, moving out of homes and offices, shifting to new school/college, sudden change in governments, etc. Inter-country immigrations will rise drastically. The year also indicates heavy travelling : personally and in profession too. Thus tourism, travels and transportation sectors will flourish in a big way. At the same time, all types of transports will be more accident prone : road transports, trains, shipping and airplanes. Avoid travelling to the North West of your place directly, as the Annual TaiSui is situated there and it is not advised to confront this war-like energy formation. Accidents are also likely to occur to objects or structures situated in great heights like satellites, bridges, high-rise buildings, mountains, giant wheels, etc.

There will be many disasters pertaining to fire and water : fire disasters, volcanic eruptions, wild forest fires, fire arm explosions, bomb attacks, even possible nuclear threats; earthquakes, avalanches, heavy rains, torrential floods, unceasing sea winds, reflux of sea water, defeating atmospheric frosts and meloncholic dampness.

The world population is more susceptible to microbic and viral infections, especially those that affect abdomen and intestines. There will be many problems related to digestive disorders, food poisoning, blood circulation, heart, nerves, eyes and hypertension. The popularity of yoga, tai-chi and qi-gong will increase. The practicality of meditation will be more understood. There will be strange troubles arising out of burials and burial grounds. Religious tensions, racist riots and cult conflicts will be on the rise and in some cases they will trigger small scale wars or group suicides. Superstitions and manipulations will rule. Drug trafficking will grow by leaps and bounds. Wildlife slaughter and bird hunting will increase. The struggle against pollution will intensify.

This year Electrical, Chemistry, Petroleum and Computer Businesses would have the best performance. All areas related to Information, Banking, Finance, Windmills, Insurance, House Renovations and Building Materials, Food Businesses, Hotels, Beauty Clinics, Health Spas, Lottery, Law, Medical Tools and Medicines, Advertising, Lighting, Gifts, Furniture, Fengshui and Vaastu will prosper. Computer Media and Mobile Phones will do well in spite of stiff competition. Businesses related to Stock Markets, Real Estates, Construction, Automobiles, Fashion Garments, Printing & Publishing, Religions, Astrology, Antiques and Consultations will do average. Industries and Professions pertaining to Shipping, Fishing, Mining, Hardware, Entertainment, Textiles, Animal Husbandry, Marine Products and Agriculture will be unfavoured.

Professionals and the self-employed will do better this year. There will be several mergers of industrial groups and hostile take-overs too will be plenty. Small business enterprises will form unofficial groups and prosper. This is a year that favours team work. Money will come in more easily and unexpectedly, but will ooze out porously. The general living standards of the people will improve greatly. The material lives will improve significantly with the help of technology gadgets and the ever expanding communications network and easily accessible and economical internet. In that way, an year to savour!

i think all this is bull.

im feeling blue
not to mention this morning i accidentally jabbed myself with biscuit's needle after giving her her daily shots. how stupid of me. oh a little update. i have two cats now.well housing them. one is a russian blue called biscuit who is also the world's oldest cat. 16 years and counting needing 2 insulin shots a day and on diabete food. the other is called blackie which is a norwegian forest cat who is a little anti.

looking forward to the weekend.

[THOUGHT]:you had better be good or u die

2007-02-16T12:04:00.000+08:00

petsitting has taken off!
the new year bring loads of new things,new clothes, new dvd player, new pets. erm.. well sort of

i have: crystal, snuffy, JJ in house
tonight i have tiny little yatsu coming. yatsu is a snoop doggy dog, dog. she is a 4 month old beagle pup.how sweet.the house is a zoo, but miss crystal is super duper happy. she is overjoyed to the max cause she has new friends to play with. she has a twin whose name is snuffy. snuffy is golden too but a labrador. the cobo of crystal and snuff is POWER the two are like monsters drooling and going mad when i head home. dogs really are very cute. but they can be a hand full -_-"

so much for dogs, now about the cny
tomorrow there is the usual gathering of the aunts and the uncles at bedok area. my aunty fanny is hosting and so the immediate family on the lokes side are all attending. glad to be there to eat the food, not so glad cause my sis is not around. starting to feel bits of lonliness trickling in. strange how people exprience love-hate relationships with their siblings. you can live with or without them.

at night rocky and leo have set plans to party
im still not sure if i can make it.may still be at the house. check back then. to all the chinese people out there reading: HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR in advance.

[THOUGHTS]: the truth about cats and dogs

2007-02-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

2007-02-13T10:20:00.000+08:00

was offered one of those mini packets of bak kua by marie
yeah , you know, those small packets of pre-packed bak kua which taste like anything else other then what it really is suppose to be-meat. wonder what kinda of faux meat is this anyway.WHO BUYS THIS STUFF ANYHOW?

kays,
i never was one who actually remember which date chinese new year actually falls on. never was one to take note of much, only when all the bak kua appears and the town is splashed with obiang red deco then im like "oh. new year." think cause of this thing with the chinese calendar thats why cny falls on which ever day it is suppose to fall on. im too potato to know till i ask someone more chenafied then me. of course by then, EVERYONE already knows

red is IN
so i decide to be fashionably OUT
im wearing this dress its aqua marine and brown. and super weird combo which i happen not to approve of but looks not too bad on me. strange. i think i look best when im at my most off. hmmmmm... what does that say about me i wonder.ponder ponder

and besides the up and coming new year there is another of those red letter day around the corner.

well its TOMORROW actually
worse still.
and yeap i am talking about valentine's day. ever wonder why a big stubby kid holding wepons of massive destruction on his hands became the epitomy of love? (and if you are on the s.l.o.w side. yes i am talking about Cupid) i don't know about you guys out there, but for me i like my day to be simple. need not be romantic. last year i was doing radio pulze opening and man handling all the crazy logistics for the day. this year, i have work to keep me tied down. so i'll be stuck at work till evening come night. actually i think a GREAT v-day would be where i have no work and get to watch all the dvds in the world and relax. that is what i call a great day.

everyone i know has been getting all psyched up
and the BIG QUESTION on everyone's lips is "so what are you doing tomorrow?"

it's crazy.
women are especially crazy.they are the creators of expectations. and the men, well men are MEN. i bet all around the globe men are like rolling their eyes doing the bo pian thing and buying something to be lomantic sitting in cold sweat hoping it works and trying hard not to incur the wrath of whoever they are dating.

viscious viscious cycle.

[HEADMUSIC]:everything by lifehouse

cause im the one that jaded you

2007-02-10T10:21:00.000+08:00

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another long boring saturday,

in JGC all the nursery 1s are piling into the centre. tomorrow will be flooded with the bilingual playclub children. sigh what a week.

later im heading NUS its been awhile. last time i was rushing there to get my stupid transcript.hmmm.. suppose to be some big gathering like a 100 odd people shall attempt to be good and sociable and mingle. chances are i will be sitting in one corner stoning. cant imagine how all will fit into the studio. i'll just try not to breathe and act slim. i just hope the food is good >_-"

Trailer: Norbit

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i was thinking of catching norbit when it is out. so funny. i feel so happy that i managed to find the trailer. thank you flixter! but the show i am so dying to watch is 300! anyone who knows when it is out pls msg me. thanks in advance.

now i would like to bring up the topic of friendster

just realised yesterday how i was mysteriously removed from certain people's friendster and just as mysteriously added by even stranger people. i mean who on earth are these people man? WHERE DO U PEOPLE COME FROM? tsktsk. anyway im not like miss vicki who is a cyberstalker. im more like a cyberbummer. stoning online all day checking mail and listening to mtvs on utube and flixster. boring me.

o yeah while browsing friendster i found a pic. i thought to me myself: " ah FINALLY ... one for the girls who do bother reading this miserable blog of mine. too many pics of girls.. ha so sorry .well this one is for you girls out there"

and yeah if anyone is wondering why in hell im such a tiko
no i am not. im not so bo liao

this peeps is my darling
cousin.

[HEADMUSIC]: jaded by aerosmith

2007-02-09T11:53:00.000+08:00

been sick
think the word "sick" is is highly under-rated and simply doesn't cut it for the way i've been feeling but ... but okie. so i am not well.

its been years. think the last time i had a sinus full-on attack was when i was in JC1. feel kinda miserable now. i comfort myself at least its not as bad as before. asthma did not set in. if not i think i'll just die and not go work forever. now i simply have 24/7 headaches/flu/fever/cough/sore throat. thought i was getting better but yesterday i threw up three times ! that was like a pile of food around midnight. stomach very quezy now. i don't know what's wrong with me. been to the docs twice and im so tired already and im refusing to go anymore. i don't see why i should spend good money on bad doctors that cure nothing and make me sleepy and sick all day.

i want to apologies to everyone for MIA-ing,
i've been sick for 2 weeks plus and counting. im not getting better but i hope soon. days that i AM AWAKE is rare. im either at work feeling sick or dead on medication at home. i hate this feeling too. i want to complain about doctors suppling this crazily small yellow pill. and there is another pink mini pill which is so powerful it can knock out an elephant. i don't know who made those two pills but i bet although i can't cure my sinus for nuts, it definately is an A* solution for the insomniacs. TRUST ME on that

now i am sitting at work feeling sick. stomach aint feeling good
mum's been feeding me weird pills lately and along with the doctor's medication i've lost my appetite. havent been eating alot lately too. i hope this doesn't last. nothing worse then feeling shitty all day and stuck with work

a highlight of the week was THE INTERVIEW!
i lost my voice completely and some very very gross but POWERFUL medicine (esp the weird chinese medicine)i managed to find some voice to squeeze out for the interview.3 women i was scared shitless. nevertheless i tried.

first question:"have you always wanted to teach?"
answer:" actually, to tell you the truth..ermm..NO. i thought it was one of the worst occupations one could take on..but along the way many things changed my mind.. blah blah blah"

they actually laughed and agreed.
i wonder is that a good sign.hmmm.. well it'll take 15 working days peeps before i actually know the outcome wherthe i actually screwup or got it. im silently freaking out but as usual maintain my super cool exterior. i CAN handle it.

ok *big sigh
back to staring at the computer and doing more work. i still feel sicky in the pits of my stomach. suppose to meet the gang but i hope the boys forgive me for cancelling. really really REALLY not feeling too good. niam me when im better ok?

::Everything::
Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms and You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall
You still my heart and You take my breath away

Would You take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this ?

ps: thanks for the card. i think its sweet. what a way to bribe me to forgive you. how kelong

2007-02-02T12:28:00.000+08:00

many things happened this week.
i started up a pet sitting thing. a Pet sitting stint. Of course its home based and I THINK I have my first customer! Just got an sms from the owner with regards to his doggy. Kinda happy=) I did have a few replies to my ads on various pet websites, questioning me about price, availability, boarding etc. nice to know also that people do love their pets! I think crystal maybe happy to get to know new friends as well.

Sis left for the UK so I am all alone. Poor me. And now I am down with the flu=( sorry for MIA-ing peeps my sinus is acting up again. Don’t worry girl I am still alive. Will meet up very soon kays.

Next and life changing: I got a letter from NIE!!Omg yes yes yes I did! Yesterday I received a dubious looking letter and I was wondering what was that. It was a letter saying that I have been shortlisted for an interview for secondary education for lit and geog!i am still so amazed by their efficency how on earth they manage to get all my info down and do a placing in their school systems. So yeaps I am pretty happy .was jumping up and down yesterday like some nut at home nearly crack my floor la

[HEADMUSIC]: tea and sympathy by jars of clay
[THOUGHTS]:teeth falling out a bad sign?

suvivors

2007-01-26T12:19:00.000+08:00

Trailer: Ice Princess

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i feel ashamed.

lately i have been kinda down. i thought things were going so wrong especially with the whole lousy misunderstanding, the horrid rumours, my sis leaving for UK, me being stressed and tired at work, my lifeless life. i am ashames cause i did what most people do: they think the world is crumbling and their lives are failing them. i felt depressed and pathetic.but thinking back i realised that through all these mini pains that my friends were there for me, that i had them to talk to while i knit. that they came and lighten this load. to the knights of the round table - i want to say thank you.

now i look ard me so many horrid things have been going wrong for the people that i care most about

(due to the sensitive nature i shall speak ever more so vaguely) problems ranging from family problems, exams, relationships falling apart.. i now see how lucky i am . that the sadness i though i was worse off for is actually nothing in comparision. stupid me.

so guys, you know who you are. i just want to say im sorry for all the bad stuff that is going on in your lives. hang in there! there will be better days=) lets all be survivors of our own lives

[HEADMUSIC]: thank you by dido

2007-01-23T10:37:00.000+08:00

Trailer: Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl

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Trailer: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!Thanks,Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
(REPLY)

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APPOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APPOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .However, be very careful on how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!Best of luck,Tech Support

you know this one is yours cause it can be for no one else

[HEADMUSIC]:ai qing xuan ya by jay chou

2007-01-20T09:35:00.000+08:00

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Trailer: Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

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So the dark knights gathered and stood silent. Excaliburs the side before the slaughtering begin. We slew the evil-doers of our lives. I hope they die

Round table meeting adjourned.

[HEADMUSIC]:you ougtha know by alanis morisette

ps: short clip from The Family guy. enjoy

2007-01-15T15:11:00.000+08:00

today is my day off
realise that i tend to only be online when im at work. i think by now anyone who wants to check out the days im on leave just loggin and see if im online by 10am. if im not. well.. you got your answer.

its sunny and yet it rained earlier
wonder would a rainbow appear.

im suppose to meet andy later for a facial!
what a strange xmas gift she gave to me. guess it shows how horridly fat and ugly i am now. ok, so for the first time after living for 23 years im gonna try out how a facial actually feels like. i feel bit scared. thinking about it now, i'll most likely wind up looking like some baboon's backside later. yikes.

then after the 4.30pm facial, gonna meet up with my mum to catch some dinner
it's been awhile since we all ate together and go out. its a nice thought. something rare to look forward to. i like that

days like these,
coupled with the rain
it is hard to find something nice and somewhere you want to be anymore

2007-01-12T16:22:00.000+08:00

You're Siren!

What's Your Goddess Identity?
Brought to you by Tickle

Your self-esteem could use A Little Boost

Does Your Self-Esteem Need a Makeover?
Brought to you by Tickle

i MUST be bored
i've started a new hobby . one that no one can believe i would cause im so slack unless me see for themselves. hobbies and friends make the best theraphy. god knows i need it

ps: to my friends who stood by me while i fall apart. thanks. you know who you are

2007-01-12T01:26:00.000+08:00

the visciousness of lies and a tell-tale rat trap
i fall into my own grave and sat there pondering if i should try
to climb out of this hole you dug for me

but the days went by and i sit
and stare as if tomorrow would come
and take me away from all this

till next year not even you came
and everyone was saying your name which i
tried hard to shut out

then i pulled hard on the rope
which hung lowly from the ceiling
and ended it all finally

2007-01-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

i am at a lost for words.
so my words fail me
again.

[headmusic]:it's been awhile by stained

i hate you

2007-01-06T17:37:00.000+08:00

I SHOULD HAVE LOVED A THUNDERBRIRD INSTEAD;
AT LEAST WHEN SPRING COMES
THEY ROAR BACK
AGIAN.

ny 2007

2007-01-02T13:27:00.000+08:00

ever since the new year started mr sun decided to crawl out
finally.

and im glad in a way but ever since then i've been super boring sleeping ard 11pm although there is no work the next day. i really have no life. new year came and went and i was thrown into alica's pool twice by shaune and rocky, had abit of mahjong and played taboo. the mangy bastards im still sulking at them! anyway i tend to slept at 12am and i think im starting to be abit of a super party pooper cause of my lack of energy to party or simply have fun. kinda tired too.

k today is another new day in 2007
happy new year to all.
i shall go watch the telly or something.

note to all: hope you guys like the new skin put up. comments are welcome of course.

[thoughts]: this is for you~ i only just recently heard the voicemail you left me weeks back. at 4am you sound drunk and pissed. i tried contacting you but to no avali. if you even read this. please respond. thanks

ted hughes poems

2006-12-30T15:34:00.000+08:00

::CROW'S FALL::
When Crow was white he decided the sun was too white.
He decided it glared much too whitely.
He decided to attack it and defeat it.
He got his strength up flush and in full glitter.
He clawed and fluffed his rage up.
He aimed his beak direct at the sun's centre.
He laughed himself to the centre of himself
And attacked.
At his battle cry trees grew suddenly old,
Shadows flattened.
But the sun brightened—
It brightened, and Crow returned charred black.
He opened his mouth but what came out was charred black.

"Up there," he managed,
"Where white is black and black is white, I won."

::LOVESONG::(my personal fav)
He loved her and she loved him
His kisses sucked out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she sucked
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and Sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered into the curtains

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Or everlasting or whatever there was
Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy place
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His word were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assasin's attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
Her glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon's gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall
Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage

In the morning they wore each other's face

sylvia plath

2006-12-22T11:47:00.000+08:00

been reading up alot on Sylvia Plath online
think it's a bit of a ritual nowadays that at work im on both the PEAK and some poetry website. strange balm for the soul but i guess it works. i feel better already

Here is a collection of suggested poems: (http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath)
~Mad Girl's Love Song
~Lament
~Dialogue between Ghost and Preist
~Daddy
~The Other Two
~Monologue at 3am

Here is one of the poems:

::Monologue at 3 AM:: by Sylvia Plath

Better that every fiber crack
and fury make head,
blood drenching vivid couch, carpet, floor
and the snake-figured almanac vouching you are
a million green counties from here,

than to sit mute,
twitching so
under prickling stars,
with stare, with curse blackening the time
goodbyes were said, trains let go,
and I, great magnanimous fool, thus wrenched from
my one kingdom.

think the poem is rather apt. the words make me recall the past and fear the future. i feel bit lost reading it. lost cause i know excately what it means and how it feels being "wrenched from my one kingdom". i think i get it .

past few days have been going rather poorly. actually i think BADLY is a better word.the rain brought with it the eecky rush hours/ the mad last min pile of people in suffocating town/it brought hell hall games/the flu so the party was still packed but some went mia/boredom aand super restlessness/mad tv moving atmospheres/lousy tempers/and me being a little edgy everyday.

sudden thought: marie told me about the new harry potter book title
harry potter and the deathly hallows
doesn't really sound promising but yeah i want the book anyway when its out.

xmas eve came and went
today is xmas.
im not too sure how i feel about that. about this day. about this time. about everyone around me. about the xmas spirit. about the parties, about the ktv sessions, about presents, about logs cakes and xmas turkey, about giving and receieving. all of the above and beyond

i think i almost hate xmas
everywhere everyone seems to have someone. its a sinking feeling i get when im around and even at the family dinner everyone is paired off except me. did not know how to feel about that either. i think because of you i've forgotten how to deal with much things well anymore. so now i hate the hustle and bustle and i choose to stay home. i declined the party with my sis and the smu gang. i declined the ktv which rocky asked me to. i stayed home and rot.

>>all those words took me a few weeks to type.
today is 29/12/06

3rd last day of 2006.
perphaps im secretly doing a countdown in my head. perphaps i just work too much so now i actually keep track of the days that matter. those that don't i forget all over again.maybe.

so many things happened lately that i couldn't keep track of it all.
i remember watching the carol singers bombarding town. everyday trying to walk through the wisma stretch was super duper trying it got worse with the xmas rush and the RAIN. i remember weird things. like i saw one of those carol singers wearing an angel costume scratching his butt in town. i remember how the rain soaked my jeans up to my knees and how gross it felt. i remember running through the rain with you. and now i rather not remember anymore cause i feel old all over again simply typing all this.

so i shall stop.

too many bad things all piling up ending this horrid year
i pray the 2007 is much better. im glad the year is ending. no plans as yet how it shall be celebrated. maybe i shall dig myself out of the hole i created for myself.marie my now rather good friend and bitching pal at JGC and i are still trying to figure out our new year resolutions. i think its scarey cause everytime i try and be resolved about certain issues i take a few steps forward only to fall back. at least i know im not alone. so does marie.

so am i allowed to make resolutions like :
thou shalt not fall back into thy old self misery ?

i have forgotten my independence that i found in melb
i have forgotten what's it like to be just me
i have forgotten school and how it feels
i have forgotten to feel young
but of all things i have forgotten
you're not on that list

i think the way i have styled myself is destroying the present me more then i am willing to admit

so i guess its only online i want to confess
and now without anyone present and nobody cares i want to ask you to forgive me of my crime for not being there. for all the times i was not around to pick you up. for being like ice when you were talking to me. for walking away everytime i had gotten so mad.for being drunk on too many occassions. and for hurting you through and through

and when that phone call comes
i have re-constructed myself all over agian

[Thoughts]: oh by the way, i forgot to say i hate you

leaving for thailand

2006-12-05T14:09:00.000+08:00

currently waiting at the budget terminal
its first time im here. kinda amazed that they have quite a few shops

meet up with leo, shu and jows
after much fumbling with our luggages we managed to squeeze our way into the departure hall. feel kinda excited that finally taking a REAL holiday. no work involved(erm.. but yeah im dragging some work doc. along to browse) basically breaking the monotone of the past few weeks that i've been back in sg. im glad.

heading out to thailand. something that i wanted to do for a while now. dying to eat thai food and shop like mad. i'll probably crawl back fatter then before. oh no ..

the girls are all hyped up too. brought bags in their luggages all prepared to buy the entire thailand up. ha . i hope all goes well. tonight's plan is to head to the salome night market.leo and shu needs heels. i'll be the tag along. i really just want to relax and break from work.

although im leaving i would like to say
i wish that you were here

2006-12-03T20:37:00.000+08:00

in goldhill i had mr nikk lim
in tai hwan i have my new neighbor(above )

lazy sunday. havent eaten at all. sigh.
hungry

run

2006-12-03T19:10:00.000+08:00

you have been the only thing that's been right in our life time
and now i cannot make it
so i falter
and even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you
i can hardly speak anymore
and i understand why you cannot raise your voice to say
those words which i want so much
you don't have time for love
but i just want to find out if you still remember me
and as we say our long goodbyes
even if it was for a few days
i wish i could make up for all that's left

[thoughts]:light up

being home

2006-11-18T13:11:00.000+08:00

// i tried to be efficent
and so i was
im glad at least one person was happy -
my mum.

//bear fans make the best presents

//bling, uncle clown, calvin&hobbes

//note to stop poisioning myself

//that you would be proud of me

[headmusic]: white sands

6/11/06

2006-11-06T16:35:00.000+08:00

::If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?::

TO MY GOOD FRIENDS:
(ya know who you are)

2 DAYS OF BIRTHDAY PARTIES:
10th nov'06 friday @double O
free tickets plz sms +0432548710 or 92729619 fast!

11th nov'06 saturday @tai hwan walk
my 23rd birthday/hse warming party

warning: these upcoming events are EXTREMELY hazardous to health and will definately cause extreme drinking subsequent puking..erm..if unlucky, lost of hearing due to loud party music, over eating of BBQ and catered foodies, hyper active partying and lack of sleep which can go on all night. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

[headmusic]: a sorta fairytale by tori amos
[thoughts]:i am so sorry

rachael yamagata be be your love

2006-11-05T11:59:00.000+08:00

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel
Everybody's talking how I can't be your love
But I want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real

Everybody's talking how I can't be your love
But I want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you

Everybody's talking how I can't be your love
But I want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright if you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away

Everybody's talking how I can't be your love
But I want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

5th nov 2006

2006-11-05T10:45:00.000+08:00

::push the door i'm home at last
and i'm soaking through and through
then you handed me a towel
and all i see is you
even if my house falls down now i wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me::

its my last 2 days in melbourne and i did some reflection on all that has past

they say in life you take one step forward then ten steps back.maturity is to me like taking the ten steps backwards stop. realise the huge mistake you made, and start screaming and running the next 300000000000000 miles forwards for the rest of your life.

and perphaps i'd miss you forever and that's it.
i admit openly about this.
perphaps i just want everyone to know that the damage done to both me and her is irreversible. that this is finally my closure.for myself. i want everyone reading this to wish me well for it. for accepting her choices, lousy as i think they are, and leave it as that.i can. i will. i have done. for me growing up. getting older, more independent, broken and so much wiser.i am ..happy.finally.

im going home tomorrow.
everyone asks if i will come back. sue, eddie, mori, bruce my boss, legends customers, people back in sg, and i just shrugged. bruce wants me back to work for him etc. nice to know i can support myself rather well even if i do roll over.

i've not felt so liberated in a long time working independantly, making friends, travelling around efficient on my own, and going home just clinches everything into its offical place. grown up. grown old. i guess everything will be alright and will be ok. i still love melbourne. nothing has changed.

back home, the group has been worried. this is my letter/shoutout to you guys i am good.at some points extremely happy.i want you to know how good but i'm saving all that for later when i have you guys with me!

and yes, im heading home to wreck harvoc with Everyone beside me.with my Age chasing behind me, and the Party all around me. im such a brat. is there such thing as a mature brat? ah well ....... its been a while.

and now..all i have to worry about is my damned luggage

life really is that simple once more.

[headmusic]:coming home by Kenny G

[quotes]:the fact that i am want for nothing
i am that strong
and then "bang!"

you came along.

ps: my aussie hp has no credits. anyone wanting to reach me pls ring me and pray i pick up!

me now and growing up

2006-10-09T12:34:00.000+08:00

note: this blog gets me in such a fix at time i was thinking just the other day how i should delete all of it. yet .. i was a wuss. i couldn't. didn't want to delete the weird times i lost my mind. the irrational thinking that floats in and out of my mind once upon a time. at times i even thinks its funny. now ... looking back, they only cause me such trouble all this past pains. why not delete. ahhh dumb me. like i said. it does get me into so much trouble with my future. stupid me. i gotta be less sentimental and compulsive in hoarding all my thoughts. so .... maybe one day, when i do feel that devoid of feelings , you'll find all my past year entries simply .. gone.

but for now yeah they can rot here.
can't remember most.
so i read
and reread
feeling nothing

shoutouts:

to the fuzzy bear:
hey im sorry you get so affected reading. my past and stupid things that drive me up the wall before. im half sad and happy to say that i feel almost nothing now.sounds bit strange that nothing can affect me anymore. the worst has past and im looking forward. i want to restart my life. i hope you do the same too

to my girls back home:
oie!!!! really NEED to party and lim. yesh! i got the testimonials.i am in agreement.i know you guys dunno much what has happened so far. sorry for keeping alot to myself. we'll catch up k . esp after sexy's rari raya :)

to the boys:
yes nixx! i miss you guys too! glad ur guys can all meet up still back in sg. plz stay in touch k. and mr rocky , oie siao eh .. how have u been? you like totalli died ah. okie take care hor.

and yes its my few days off!
thinking im growing bit too independent for a tourist. is that humanely possible? okie. more like a solo tourist. i shop myself, cook, clean eat by myself. get to work myself via trams and trains. i wind up thinking alot by myself.

i think finally the second phase of my life has started.
growing up
working solo
absolute independence
dependency upon me myself and i.

i am proud you know. of myself. everything i am right now. proud cause i am able to do things now focusing on number one. somehow i feel stronger.no agenda. and work my day around myself. how i want it. i have 1000000000000000 choices. though usually the pig i am chooses my vcds, cooking and cleaning naturally. o yeah and work. that's all.

boring me.

shall shower and watch vcds. usual day off stuff. ta

[headmusic]:misunderstood by bon jovi
[thoughts]: i just wanted you to know ..

2006-10-07T01:18:00.000+08:00

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time

Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me

back from legends

2006-10-07T00:29:00.000+08:00

just got home from legends
pretty slow day.only highlight was i got a free shirt that reads "ever tasted a natural blonde?"
it's a promo thing for natural blonde wheat beer. bit bimbotic but yeah didn't really care.wore it during my 10-1am shift

SBS started playing porn ard 1230am dare boring dunno who switched to that channel.
other than that the day was flatlining and my eyes were watering from all the smoke

i recieved an sms today
i was stunned. but yeah it was sweet. thankx. poetic. but sweet.

okie really tired now. work at 12pm-7 10pm-1am again tomorrow. alan and gang mentioned sumthing about going out cause his girlfriend is here in melb.*shrugs.i think i won't have strenght.very very tired.nites world

[headmusic]: over my head by a flock of seagulls
[thoughts]:; a movie sounds good

at yi's birthday

2006-10-03T17:42:00.000+08:00

i think i really must hate you ..
then why is it that diamonds still fall

yesterday was invited to yi's bday dinner.
there was yi, wendy, wendy's girl (i can't remember her name) claira, pei and me.we met up at this steakhouse which pei claims that the smell of the steak can be smelt all the way from prahan. amazing. erm .. and no i cant smell it.

k lemme discribe the group
yi: wearing black pullover, short black hair with some streaks of blond in them. nice girl who thinks i stare at her too much. ha . i don't and yeah she is pei's friend and helped look after the cats once upon a time. she has this chin stud which im like not pain meh

wendy: yi's house mate. kinda funky spunky girl with aero dynamic hair. sweet face and she wore semi formal pull over with a shirt

wendy's girl: this angmoh, i think she is aussie. she like to smile alot. quiet girl but yeah sweet. she wore some weird looking knitted top. i didnt like it. but yeah she does thats enough

claira: this girl, shoulder lenght black hair. reminds me how i used to cut my hair like that. she is one of the rare people i know that has a lip ring. its black.

and yeah so that basically is the group. didnt know them well but sorta try and chat when i manage to get myself out of the depression i felt.

steak was good. went all the way home to get THE BOMB then we all trooped to yi's place.
the bomb is a bomb shaped timer which ticks while the players are suppose to form words with the given cards inside. yi kept getting bombed and drank countless shots.shots of yucky gin. eek.

end of the nite i drank 3-4 shots of gin. very disgusting.
i keep thinking that gin smells of flowers. i drank 2 beers. sounds so little compared to sg. we all watched margret cho's ALL I WANT IS ME FOR MYSELF. something liddat. not sure about the title. i kept laughing then. nice to know that its little things like these which are still able to lift my mood.

after the show spent the wee hours playing THE BOMB then i sat outside drinking.
claira sat with me and we chatted. she is amazing. her perception of relationship totally blown me away.

she never in her life been in a relationship with anyone and she feels there is no need to. she told me about how fleeting people are really. superfical animals really and thus in short she doesnt see anyone worthy of that time. that commitment. she is that cool

her voice reminded me of sea.
her words vesus mine own in defense of relationships. i made me sad all over agian. its strange how i could be talking, cold, and tearing at the same time. how could i feel so lousy yet still fight for the whole notion of a relationship and why it is important. claira was kind not to mention the tears to me. kind not to point out nor throw a sympathic arm around. i swear i would have cried. not tear. cry. good girl. but yeah she was gonna head home but stayed till we left. so i guess i did come across as a little pathetic and her sympathy was while she waited till we all headed home.

she said one thing to me " i know you want to be like me"
i was like huh? but maybe she is right. i really don't wanna feel. perphaps after all the debate i lost.

yi puked alot.
it was funny.
i went home to crash. it was like 5-6am.

i really must hate you
you make me feel this fucked up

[headmusic]: over my head by the fray

letter to the word

2006-10-02T16:15:00.000+08:00

to whoever that reads,

i just read the whole chunk of posts on the cbox. obviously i wrote the past 3 entries without checking the box first.

i could have been smart and simply delete and form of weakness and how i really feel now so that certain people will not gloat but yeah, it doesn't really matter anyway. i knowingly allow you these simply pleasures such as scoffing at me and my misery. fine.

to the pair typing these posts:
the way you type and the way you phrase your words. saddly it gives you away. i realise that. and yeah i think i do know you. and yes, we did talk, i just think that if you consider simple replies as knowing a person you really need to change you point of view.

either way, thank you both for supporting pei.
i think its good she has friends. friends who will defend and support her even when all they have are half-baked ideas and one-sided points of view to go on. they still support her. thats what friends do.

you call me some martyr of my own creation
in short you realise i dig my own grave and sit in it.

i want to say now that it is EXCATELY poeple like YOU that is why i can never remove this stigma. even when i want to start anew. i want another life. i want a change. it is people like you that make sincere changes that difficult.

i did make a resolution. myself . for me.
things which i even talked about with pei.i wonder if she would even remember. but yeah, somehow we have never fully understand everything about each other but i think she understands what i want to change. how i want to live my life. what i hope for a new start. people like you keep everything i want far away.

you snicker at my sincerity
you despise my emotion pain.

but it is NOT for you i write all this here. online and floating free for all to see.
i didn't write all these for YOU to judge me or give me comments or advice.
i wrote this simply cause i do not write diaries. so i type. not very well. i have no huge vocab which i can show off, nor a word bank to crush you with. i type here cause this is my own chart. MY outlet. not to seek sympathy. nothing at all

i am without agenda

not all is typed here cause one never can type every little thing. shouldn't everyone know this little bit of truth / reality by now?

i had to write this because i really am not as horrid as you think
because i need you know i don't need you to love or even like me.
but i guess just to say, whatever that's in your head, whatever lousy assumptions you have of me. hey, if you cut me i do bleed. i not trying to be some bleeding heart on my blog but hey, this blog is MINE is it not?

i despise my own weakness when i read it. thats why its a blog. and floats online. known to me and just my friends. which i seriously doubt you are one of them. and although i come across as insensitive and emotionless in person. the blog makes me look pathetic. trust me i would have deleted it except for the shallow reason that
1. i like this blog address
2.i wanna keep it for rememberance
so yeah. this blog is not to sell this idea to all that i am upset. don't read it if the language and content irks you. it irks me that i can allow myself to feel this way at times. i need to shutdown. i am THAT tired. truly.

last of all cause of all these strange reactions from people over my break up from my long time relationship this blog is getting more publicised. i don't know from where or how. and who is the source. just to say i am tired of you.

i want announce how i want to change.
i need no people like you who carry my past and seek to haunt me and drag me down. i need no advertisement, encouragement, sympathy, nor people stabbing my in the dark.

keep your life.
read on
go ahead.

by keep your cynical comments to yourself.
someday karma will get you and when it rains for you, no one will offer the umbrella .

yours sincerely
me

[thoughts]: this is my letter to the world who never wrote me back. (at times like these i rather you didn't. thanks)

ever the same

2006-10-02T15:50:00.000+08:00

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

I STARTED A JOKE

2006-10-02T15:43:00.000+08:00

::I STARTED A JOKE::

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me
oh no I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said

'Till I finaly died
which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me

I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finaly died which started the whole world living
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
Oh no that the joke was on me

ck

2006-10-02T13:49:00.000+08:00

i had to say it:

to ck:
i thought you were better than all that to stoop so low as to believe everything that you hear. it seems that for everything i have ever said to you i might as well have never. for all your misunderstandings, i have come to realise how little you truly know about me, you failure to see me for who i am and i now tell myself what a damned fool i was thinking the better of you.

i don't want to kill myself over things without a beginning yet having an end
i don't see much sense in that fact so why should i be sad. i refuse to be THAT stupid
but nonetheless.. yeah i am sad. i really .. am.
cause again i have been misunderstood. agian i've been let down. again you still don't know me. yet you dare judge me. and agian i am affected. my days go slowly. i am affected and it hits me when i wake up. when no msg comes. when i have to cook, work, play. i am affected. people upon people. all of you have let me down so so badly. and i wish i could so hate all of you. i want to hate you all. i think i might enjoy that

i really cannot take much more of life's disappointments.
i think maybe .. if my heart does not break first then perphaps i will. slowly i feel like im losing my mind.how many times can one feel sad within such a short space of time. how many times can i break myself into pieces. how can my ego still hold. can i save whatever dignity i have left and walk backwards? walk home? walk back in sg and feel the same after all these things happening... how many days can i spend feeling very alone and unworthy.

i bet FATE is laughing at me.

i actually shared what happened with ck with pei. she showed some sympathy. i was wondering if she would rub it in my face but she surprised me. i am touched of course. she told me that ck is a blind bitch. she told me how such misunderstandings may arise. she told me that ck nor anyone else didn't know me well enough, that they don't know any better.i know. yeah i know. but the thing was i really did believe .words. such foolishness. i didnt know how shallow people can be. i didnt know going out with me could make a person feel such disgrace. yeah.. disgrace.

i feel pained writing these word.
disgrace

that i am not good enough hurts
that people miscontrude things about me hurt
that you do not understand me yet judge me hurts
that i fail to fight back and admit defeat hurts

i've lost the ability to speak anymore.
sure i rant and rave. but i cannot truly speak..
i think i've lost my voice and that i do not have the need to feel anymore. in fact i think its better i don't. this is the longest worst period of my life. i can't believe you are not around, that i can't afford to cry, that i fill full to the brim breaking.. i so wish you were. i want to tell you this. can i ?

[headmusic]: who knew by kelly clarkson

at monash

2006-09-19T20:16:00.000+08:00

i recieved two emails today. from strangers i didnt know. one was from gill, the other was from this girl called jamie.both telling how my words have affected them. i smiled and nearly cried cause they sent me balm for the soul, words telling me they understood the pain i feel. they said they were sorry i lost someone that important to me. i didn't know what to say. i think i bit my tongue.

today pei was ironing the clothes and turned to ask me how would i describe her to other people i'd date in the future. i really didn't know how to reply. i said i would try not to talk about her in the first place. i didnt know how to answer her. tell her that "yeah, i'd tell them that you left a fucking hole in my heart and i can't recover" suck on that. nah .. i couldn't do that. i wouldn't. i was civil. i just hope that in the future, for especially my sanity's sake i could figure out a way to talk about her without feeling pained. without feeling anything was best. i think that would be a nice start to something new.... eventually . i think i need to learn how to do that very much. ha .. and if i can't after many years, yeah, we are old, and she ran out of people to seduce, i'll marry her and start a knitting club or something.kidding

but yeah, she did ask me if i would marry her if after many MANY years she couldn't find someone.

i think i need to clarify this point with EVERYONE.
i never was one into giving second chances. especially if i did give my all. i tend to wonder if there is anything left of me to give. usually the answer is no. i can't. to leave a person is for me to kill myself, my heart, my feelings and then .. if humanely possible to move on... happily or not thats a different matter.im killing myself at this moment im typing this. bit afraid i'll come back sg dead from the heart down.i do feel quite drained already.

i guess my true answer to anyone's question is :
if i still love.yes.IF

to my friends: this is hard. i think you guys know how i've felt for so long..the waiting, the hell of being left behind.. the huge mixups..everything and anything. somehow i think im glad you guys seem to understand and send me words of encouragement. i guess it goes to show how all this has destroyed me and im glad you guys know it.thanks for caring:)

back to wonderland
heard scandelous reports from miss dandan. as usual the ah lians and her own mickey mouse club fans are bombarding her with the usal proposals to go out, have a date, go drink. it always amazes me how on earth does she get all the girls! bloody hell. i think i need someone to share with me this magnetic whatever you may call it secret.yeah, im jelous. why ain't MY hp ringing? hmmmmmmmmm... kelong

talked to bear, im glad ya doing fine.. tmd your losing weight.im so so fat. a few days back a stepped on the weighting machine it said 60!!!! omg! -_- but pei told me cause i weighed myself on the carpet thats why. o man i nearly cried lah. really horror shocked. but yeah im not 60! getting there lah. plan to start eating pills soon. sighz. bear oie where is my email!!!! i haven't recieved it! where on earth did you send it to? gmail?

oh my hair is getting long. im still in shock when i look at the mirror its getting to touch the half way mark down my back.serious. i wanted to cut my fringe but the legend girls all said NO.i dunno why. anyway, days are flying by its into the 3rd week ive been here. how fast time flies. i've worked part time at legends and played paintball which gave me a couple of scars to prove hey i did do a sport!battle scars to prove it. and erm yeah, even got into a car accident which was crap. (some speed demon couldn't brake and swerved crashed and caused a pileup) oh and even been offered a FULL-time work schedule at legends.kinda nice knowing that the boss didn't think i was too bad. if not i wouldn't get the job .ermm.. right?

LEGENDS work schedule:
MON-THURS :3-7PM
FRI & SAT:12-7PM, 10-1AM

i do the day shift on weekdays and full on weekends.starting tomorrow. but seriously i dunno how much i can tahan. i still wanna go DFO and vic mart to shop:( hmmmm... shall burnout this week and deal with a more "offical" and settled schedule next week. wish me luck everyone. kays abit sleepy now. sitting in monash library so miss pei can study. unfortunately she is distracted by checking her shameless slut's pics on friendster or blogger or whatever. tsk. yeah i don't wanna go into that. cause the words i have to describe that whore is really beyond what blogger.com might find acceptable. so... i shall be nice and refrain. *peaceful look.see i am learning

so before i go i do wanna say something. this is especially directed at little miss ill-formed and to everyone else reading

the thing about blogs is:
they are open sources of info. info into people's lives. for mine only a fraction is here just like everyone elses.i want to send this portion of my entry out to those ill-informed busybodies who THINK they know everything. unless i converse with you direct, you serious cannot be so deluded as to believe you know everything and whats going on and have a right to judge due to second-hand info.its just like second-hand smoke. its so so much worse. get it? i do. DO YOU ?????? duh ..

this is for you:

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU JUST WISH YOU DID.
(judgemental low intellect prick)

[headmusic]:ain't no sunshine by billy withers
[mind]:you're so special. just like everybody else

2006-09-09T18:40:00.000+08:00

tired
gotten an sms when i was out with flo saying i was low fucking bitch
i really don't have a clue what happened. not yet anyway

was chatting with flo and heard about her tumult relationships over her 30 years of living
to think i felt dead. hearing about flo i started to see that perphaps even now things really were not as bad as i thought. there are people who have felt more pain. people who have been stabbed deeper. but even then this lady pitied me. yeah she pitied me like alot. nice to hear she would try and look out for me through the stay here.

i think its not easy to remove years of life together
things shared.
there are i admit too many many things i love. still.

but despite everything i find i still love melbourne alot
the thing is i must let go. so i enjoy my time here but i cannot under circumstance believe so deeply that this is to be permnant.that if i have loved i can't keep. so even looking at the scenery is difficult. i love the wide open skies. makes me feel like running to nowhere. but then i have to forget these skies. then i come back down . back to myself. back to this hole of depression.

does this sound firmilar?
i think its sound like the rain.

saw a rainbow today.
beautiful.

too much rain and sadly no hail. just freezing freaking cold. and it shone. half cloudy half sunshine. thinking about it makes me think it is excately how i feel right now. half of me in shadows the other beaming and smiley making sure to the world i am ok.much cooler then i seem. its fine. flash them all a smile and make sure you show some teeth. genuine as hell. yeah right.

in an hour i'll walk to legends to work.
let me walk it off. serve drinks and work it off. this mindset of mine. she wants to talk. i do not know about what. she says everything i say is all screwed up. she believes that since ive hurt her, she has some right to hurt me now. i take it all. seriously. im just upset.

upset with 7am phcalls.
miserable when the hp beeps
torture by why on earth she made such a lousy choice of being a marriage breaker. a third party
did i really know this girl ?

i don't dare to pursue this pain. of hers and of mine.
i rather keep to myself and be as usual silent. i thought intially i may survive. then agian i hope things revert back normal. like we are all deluding ourselves. we shall all be polite to our own murderer.civil society. perphaps we really have evolved. man has progress to the point of the invisible and the dillusionary.

i miss secure days. old days
days where i could wake up feeling sure about things. days when i could take your hand in mine and run knowing you would run with me. these days i am just lost. if you asked me to talk about this pain i figured that not answering is best. i never know what i can and will say. i rather hurt myself. i'll need therapy when im home. i feel it like screws turning loose. slowly but surely.

i see my eyebags and already set the teabags in the fridge ready for use
i think my brain is tired. i used to think much more of her though. now i am just disappointed at the situation she is in. and me.

[thoughts]:i did learn something after all. there is only this much you control about life. i need a housewife

things you don't wanna know

2006-09-09T08:12:00.000+08:00

i woke up it was 9.50am melb. sg 7.50am
heard noises in the living room and went to pee.

let me just say:
i think you should stop saying how much you have try soughting after me. i realise i can't compete , nor was i ever in your mind at all compared to a lousy 9am phcall.
even i never had a sg 7 am phcall from you.
im sad.
if i could throw in a little hate would be good
i can't even be spiteful. hurray for the scorpio who kept her tongue. many people would have been proud of me.but i tell you guys what... i rather be dead

to everyone else:
im tired of those piteous looks
asking me is it hard is the worst thing.really.
YOU try.

i'd like to bite my tongue
the thing is trying not to die.this world is so full of shit.

anyway back to some shallow reality yester i worked!
yup got a job at the infamous Legends this pool place at chapel st.working doing the usual waitressing outside the pool counter.they kinda need people for the weekends only so _shrugs- im IT. o and i got tips!$10.80 worth from the customers . so tightwades wouldn't even part with a mere 10cents! i tell you so kiam man. eddie shouted "YOU CHEAPSKATE!" so loudly.

wasn't a bad first day.eddie and mori and even sue were nice thought i did fuck up a little in the beginning with the table orders.

then the happy odd group: flo, her cousin, pei, me and sue headed down to The Beach Club this new place tessa is working in. and yup miss t.shaw was working so i wandered around and saw ollie. poor girl fought with robert as usual. he really is quite a nut and sometimes though i hate to see him get scolded by miss ollie, its better then getting cheated by some cheap whore girl.

realised to my horror it was greg's birthday cele.my face stoned.
he was pissed by the time we all got there ard 1.30am.he was like "you are ... you are.......?"
"MICHELLE!! yesshh! michelllleeeee.....!!!" then he looked at pei when she asked him whats her name and "ermm..erm... you are ...??" what a sob.met his friend can't rem the name of the guy. kinda "getto-ish" he told me he is singaporean too and he stays in yishun. i told him i stayed ang moh kio ave 1 and we hi-fived. think we're being bit silly.

the Beach Club plays horrible R&B and not bad house
their idea of r&b was like semi techno mixed getto and shit. pretty bad
in the house room we were surrounded by beefy men and strange people dancing. wanted to laugh but i held it in. fun... wasn't bad for the happy odd group.

they we all left, cramped into flo's car and headed to Chapellis
shared a scallop pasta which was amazing for a main course. everyone in the table was watching me eat bread (bread, butter and sprinkle lots of parmesan) and yeah after that i open the cheese bottle and ate the cheese powder with my knife. didn't care what people thought really.

touched home at ard 5am.
back aching.maybe it is the shoes. i bloody forgot my boots. kill me.
can some kind soul who loves me send it over before i freeze my toes off? haa ..

and yes
i look at melb sky line its all the same.
the parties , the people, the shopping, the goddamn buildings -
nothing has changed.

just what i feel now.
what im suppose to feel now.

i was having this weird idea in my head: maybe seeing how static i am vs her changing, in time with enough pain i'll learn change too. like i've said winter has to be alot colder. maybe i'll turn ice.

shoutout:
bear: hey .. how have you been? its raining. its freezing. today is suppose to have slighly hail.i should learn and be happy. just like you are when it pours. then maybe i would be

leo: girl, don't worry. and yes.. gifts gifts gifts!

lit: *pats .. yah pal i so darn miss you! better get your ass here we'll go shopping

ollie: thanks for the offer. i'll kiv

miss a: im really sorry about the job thingy.i wish you had what you wanted

duckie: i so so so soooooo need you right now

ALL: HEY THIS IS MY AUSSIE PREPAID NUMBER PLS TAKE IT DOWN. AND YES THIS PREPAID IS MINE JUST GOT THE NUMBER YESTERDAY AT OPTUS

MICHELLE'S AUSSIE HP: +61417740953

OK shall watch some dvds.tonight there is work agian
i hope i can get more jobs. i need work therepy. everyone who knows me well enough, they know why.

people back in sg- i really miss you. if you have my number plz contact me whenever. i'd love to hear from you. ANYTIME

[headmusic]: i don't wanna know by mario, bimbo revolution
[thoughts]: i wish you were here

winter in melb

2006-09-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

I never knew how to forgive because it was in my nature to not yield to even the mere suggestion of it. I was selfish and could harbor hatred like the way a camel stores water
Perhaps you could say I never loved.

And I could not let go because I was not generous
I could never shared never learn bend nor show anyone I could break down nor up. I was mean and unfair just like the way you said I was.
Perhaps they would say I never loved

But I look at you and I felt defeated
A whirlwind I could never control, never hold.
It made you happy to be this way I knew so I let you.
I’ll take all the rain if you are able to stay in sunshine. I don’t mind.
How was I to know all I ever did was wrong.
So very wrong

They say “one cannot love to order”
I say “love has no order”
I don’t know how to separate the chaos and the reminisce of Me mingling inside my head now
I would have shot myself but I have no courage
Perhaps all would say I never loved

Then I grew old
And I think love has cost me
Something betwist between my soul and my mind
Too much

So they say I never loved
So they say
They all say so much

Well I say
Love is forgiving when you are falling apart
Love is the learning to let go because this will make everyone happier without you
I know that
Now

Perhaps everything they ever said was all wrong
====================================

i knew i lost her
she wants someone else.

winter should be colder
but then agian it doesn't matter.
i think i seriously stopped feeling
anything.

now i thank god everyday i wake up not thinking
i pray i died immediately the days i am

[thoughts]: after 3 years that goddamn fucking profile says "single". o god...

packing up

2006-09-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

so it was to watch over over me
this chain
this god
the one moulded in alablaster the color of ice
hands covering his face

hands covering his face
i wish i knew why
you said that he was to protect the wearer despite all the mischief he/she has done and to encourage socialism and liberalisation

perphaps that is why he sat there
curled up and blinded by his own device
eyes wide shut only hearing
friends and freedom come expensive these days

friends that hold you,
freedom of the rest of the world,
i guess that's why even the gods
have to be blind in order to give you this on a platter

then you leaned back and looked again at
me, the god, the ice and
told me it did not suit
somehow in a strange way

i think it does.

[headmusic]:P.I.M.P
[thoughts]: the thing is the eyes tell the truth. even if you don't.

2006-09-03T02:52:00.000+08:00

that i would be
good

the knowledgable child

2006-08-31T19:57:00.000+08:00

THE KNOWLEDGABLE CHILD

i always see- i don't know why -
if any person's going to die
that's why nobody talks to me.
there was a man who came to tea,

and when i saw that he would die
i went to him and said 'good-bye',
i shall not see you anymore
he die that evening. then next door,
they had a little girl; she died
nearly as quick, mummy cried

and cried, and ever since that day
she made me promise not to say
but folks are still afraid of me,
and, where ther're children, nobody
will let me next or nigh to them
for fear i'll say good-bye to them

[thoughts]: i saw two shooting stars last night
i wished on them but they were only satellites
it's wrong to wish on space hardware
i wish , i wish , i wish you'd care.

after so long .. the new house

2006-08-30T13:49:00.000+08:00

DEAR ALL:

I HAVE OFFICALLY MOVED TO:
17 TAI HWAN WALK S(555288)
>>>>hmmm wonder if i got the code rite.sumthing like that

moving house really is a pain.
i've fallen sick in the mist of it all. flu-ish.

the house is crazy far so ive been lying on my back in bed most days.how boring.
the house reception is kinda unstable so sometimes my hp is dead to the world cause the recept died.*sighz.. sorry peeps ring my place if that happens.i'll probably be cleaning house as usual.

okie today i have tution and then suppose to meet mr karpil for shopping and dinner and drinks !
mr karpil is from my former groupies at CJ.. super miss those days. glad he is back in town from his UK studies. wonder how he looks like now. tad sad the group has disbanded and all floated in our seperate ways... old. yeah i feel old.

o well better get ready for tution. its darn far:(

SHOUT OUTS:

everyone: heyy peeps .. its so far that i dunt even dare ask you guys for a little BBQ or steamboat at my place. hmmmmmmmm..... chew on it kays. im leaving on the 4th

girl: miss ya man. where have you been?

chows: i will

lit: stupid girl. die where man

type abc

2006-08-18T14:14:00.000+08:00

woke up suddenly sad not sure why excately.

SOMETHING TO CHEW ON:

was musing in bed over how there are certain people in our lives which we could do nearly anything for. walk on water, cross over hot coals, get burned and scarred for..etc. the works. those are the same people who are able to brighten up any gloomy grey day. i always thought of those type "A" people as dangerous and scarey. their day equals your day. their mood gives you your mood. when their up you are up. the worst is when they are down, they drive you into hell with them. when they call you rush to the phone with a breathless "hello, yup im free". i hate the type. they drive me mad. the funny thing about these type "A"s is you can't live with or without them.

the there are the type "B" those who you see regularly , be at a monotonous constant happy with. neither causing you to lose your mind, go crazy, nor freak out when mad. the type "B"s are the de-regulars which are there for you and live and laugh with you through most things. and you NEED these type "B"s as many as possible actually. they are in what lay-man terms called the good friends and the best buds. the bunch that pick you up when your down on the floor.

i thank god for my friends too.

then there are the type "C"s. those fleeting people walking by you in sch. stopping to say hi, but you never really feel they are important enough to strike up full converstations with. "oh hi.. how are you? yeah. hows___? okie see you around!" yeah those worth only 2mins of your of hi-s and byes. they are what is called the distant aquintances. good enough for a show of your popularity with the world. if they died its not a big loss. erm is it?

ever wonder what is the percentage of the various types of people in your life? think about this then. something to chew on. from me to you

[headmusic]: it might be you by kai

sushi lunch and a korean dinner

2006-08-18T04:11:00.000+08:00

i suddenly woke up.
insomnia agian acting up at those weirdo hours.i hope i manage to sleep past 12pm this time round.

lunch anyone?

today i had one of those rare days when i had a super duper full lunch and dinner .met neo for sushi buffet and the bear for a korean dinner.
its been awhile

shout outs:

neo: cheer up :)

bear: thanks

dandan: you owe me 2 mins

lit: aunty ah .... why why whyyyyy 2nd shift.sighz

cc: where did you go?

[headmusic]:by your side by sade

new found

2006-08-16T23:26:00.000+08:00

you're my new found jelousy

[thoughts]: "better fuck me"aka butter factory anyone? all phoomba's fault (stupid grace...grrrrr)

where'd you go

2006-08-14T13:09:00.000+08:00

::I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...::

in pain now
i sprained my back. old injury back agian. horrid cause i feel slightly like some invalid in my semi-paralysis. *sigh

no one is home now
mom took the maid and uncle d to the new house. cleaning up the place and left me and crystal here. crystal looks bit sad the house is kinda empty. leo is coming over later after her lunch with her mom. didnt want to leave crystal home alone we plan to walk crystal to town with us. realise crystal has never been home alone. didn't want her to cry like what bobbi use to do..hmmm .. my stupid back hurts but i think i rather brave the walk then let her start crying

most days starting this week will be days off work
but i'll prolly be glued at home or at the new place. pack up is madness. yesterday i picked out a box full of clothes i don't want.

i never thought cleaning out my closet could be sentimental .. but ya know what?
it is.
really

think im compulsive
i realised that i actually clothes hoard (big surprise there huhh ..-_-")
felt sad looking back at old clothes i foound stashed away. like those "ah lian" day clothes, small size shirts which i could actually fit in 1000000000000000000 years back, baggy jeans i use to wear while bumming in town from secondary school days. o man .. sad im selling / giving them away.

im being silly

[headmusic]:where'd you go by fort minor
[thoughts]: i'd rather walk through the rain with you, than to walk in the sunshine alone

leos bday pics

2006-08-13T15:54:00.000+08:00

LEO'S BDAY PARTIES PICS: random snapshots
HAPPY 21ST GIRL!~

@rouge:me , leo and vee! (vee with her new haircut which she hates. i thought she looks great all the same)

@rouge: the babes chillin out to doulgas O and his band.

@rouge: me trying to play pool while mr rocky rubs his eyes. see the look of concentration? haaa... who on earth took this shot of me!!! fess up ... my god .. i look stoned. anyway. i lost by the black ball.edert rocky.hee

@doubleO: action paction pic. haaa..

@doubleO: i look like im falling asleep. o man. when i saw the pics i thought the leo's fren look bit like me. in reality no.

@doubleO: i very very horrid pic of Cynthia Khamlani.hahahahahahaha.. this is the after work effect. girl haa so AC:) hehee. as for me, rnb overdose. tsktsk

sunday at home while packing

2006-08-13T15:00:00.000+08:00

havent blogged for a bit.
its been rainy since the start of this week.

note: i so so so so so HATE chantel
she really does kill me. she loves to kp me when im late and screw up alot of things. i don't know why i succumb to such shit. im tired.

i've been packing up
my stuff toys(except a few i want to hand carry) and clothes. half sorting some for fleamarkets and the other to keep.going semi-mad sorting thru all the stuff. especially the clothes. think i'll take years.. and YES!! I GOT MY BID FOR THE LIME FLEAMARKET!! yippeeeee.... :) havent make payment yet. shall go down soon to do just that.

my days are slowing down...
im leaving work behind ..s.l.o.w.l.y so i get more time at home with the packing.
my mum said the move will happen in 2 shifts. on the 21 and 26(BIG ITEMS:furniture etc ). before those dates other stuff(SMALL BOXES:clothes, tables, chairs) will be shifted during the upcoming week all the way till everything is settled. sounds crazy . i feel massive dread of sleepless nites. weird dressing. messy housing etc all piling in ..

thinking about it
i want to sleep

shout outs:

everyone: anyone free to help me move PLZZZZZ tell me.

lit: you edert girl ktv!! -_-"

leo: oh my GOD

sexy: robbie williams? hmmmmmmmmmmm..... lemme check first and get back k

dandan: everyone thinks you are damn damn shameless. i agree. totally

min: hey sexxy boi, ya going nation? *winks

chowz: wru? don't drink so much already! only make me worry ... *sighz

[headmusic]: star 69 by fatboy slim (my my my ... old skool)
[thoughts]: perphaps you could be the cure to my self inflictions

someday i talk pretty

2006-08-10T11:52:00.000+08:00

its been raining the past 2 nights

nothing good really happens when it rains. and i .. well i woke up to the sound of it.started to wonder if bobbi's up there crying cause he didn't get his fav chicken drumstick. and yeah the rain pretty much started since his birthday. supersitious? who me? nahh ..

worked on national day.

yes. i worked. no lousy thing as a cafe shutting on national day. people still have to eat and we have to serve. kinda funny cause i worked morning and afternoon shift.omg i was so so tired finally plonked down in the bed at 9pm!i feel old.

later have like a 3-4 hour stretch of tution and yesh, dance class.eww :(

going thru the book school for scandal for tution later. havent really finished but the book is really really quite funny:

"so strong , so swift , the monster there's no gagging: Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging." sweet .so would i.

Here's something from me~

::ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY::

Me talk pretty one day;

lend me your ears then

i'll make the world spin with

what you want.

[headmusic]: when i'm gone by three doors down

[thoughts]: dandan really is rather sweet. shock shock horror horror!

ps:never work morning shift ever again. too freaking tired kinda sets me back for two days. i missed a very important call. and im upset. sometimes things only happen once

how to recovery

2006-08-08T03:42:00.000+08:00

its raining..

and i got caught in the rain
silly things like this break my heart

things to note:
~never play truth or dare jenga ever again
~ALWAYS charge hp before it dies on crucial moments
~i hate drunk smses its hurts
~drinks contain depressants which make you sadder than you really are
~i should have just gone long ago
~rocky offered me a drink called "SORROW" I told him i had enough of that
~sometimes telling you how much i want you around and wishing you'd listen really is the hardest thing to accomplish. either you don't listen, i don't dare to tell you, or i went to read a book instead and shut up. diversion at its best.
~i fucking hate myself
~quantas is a motherfucking airline
~who is bringing me home? i thank god for great friends
~i forgot to remove my little black heart
~girlie= eyeliner, ribbons, fluffy dresses and killer heels.
~i need to stop being niam by CK..erm... cynthia to work!
~leo has a friend who looks like me ! omg... -_-" darn scarey
~there are certain people in life i'd walk over burning hot coal for. any day. any time.
~miss a is being pissy with me. look ! i am bz for freak sake
~what are anniversaries?
~bobbi :happy birthday boy. i really miss you. crystal i love. but you i'd never ever forget. i owe you a chicken leg today. you are just not here to get it. i really am sad... i wish ya here. i'll hug you and have a good cry. i know you would understand me
~a little rain does hurt
~i wish i had someone to talk to. even if it is a stranger
~friends: pls call me for coffy. drugs. and mass orgies. im tired and i hate myself. thanks

[headmusic]: faithfully by journey
[thought]: where are you when i need you most?

saturday night at home

2006-08-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

im pretty tired.
plan to stop bistro offically an help out with the moving soon
*sighz i haven't packed! oh no ... so gonna die

and as for tutoring i decided to let tution continue while it can

either way i still have work cut out for me tomorrow
3hr tution for miss shantini. im trying to read her books. kill me. and after that i have the bistro..probably for the last time. i feel a little sad.

i always feel sad when something is gone. i can't help it. im sentimental believe it or not. even if its shitty work like the darn bistro.

CK smsed me today
she smsed: wanna go "better fuck me" ? grace and siti is going
i was like ????!!!!!what in hell was that ? i thought it was some porn place or something like that

then i realised: BUTTER FACTORY!
oh man -_-" such lingo seriously tends to escape me

no im not going.
im good.
im home. mr tang asked me what in hell am i doing on a saturday night at home. trust me. i really don't care. i really have no life. i really just rotting :)

[headmusic]: someday i'll be a saturday night by bon jovi
[thoughts]: super mega earlier happy birthday girl!

seperate live

2006-08-05T02:30:00.000+08:00

7th month scare

2006-08-05T01:43:00.000+08:00

things that scare you on the 7th month:
was walking crystal this wednesday.
the usual route. the night was clam. kinda rainy look and the streets were clear.not bad a walk i say.

so we walked to the usual dead end and turned around.
suddenly i saw this old lady:
hunched backed holding a walking stick in the hand, hair all bunned up. kinda remind me of the hunch back of notre dame. i was nice. i kept my peace and simply walked toward her on the opposite side heading towards home.

funny thing was..
the usually friendly crystal looked at her and stared and stopped walking
"crystal nooo..! don't bother the lady!" i thought she was going to charge at her

the old woman stopped dead in her track and stared at crystal.

crystal ran to my left side aways from the woman and started walking away very quickly.

i never saw a woman stare so hard at crystal before.
i never saw crystal stare and stop in her tracks after seeing anyone that abruptly.

i told myself keep walking.
"crystal its not nice to distarb the lady okie? lets go"

crystal made tracks ...
so did i. i don't know why .. i quickly stuffled past the old woman and her walking stick.
only when i walked past i quicken my pace.

only then i heard the "shhff .. stfff" sound of her walking stick behind me ..
then only when i heard it suddenly the silence scared me, i hurried even faster.

at the top of the hill i was so so tempted to turn around.
i didn't .
i didn't want to know.
i think crystal neither. she ran home.

trust me. i really really don't want to know.
ps: i never ever in 20 years staying in goldhill saw that woman before. to think i thought i saw everyone ..

regards to today
went for tution where that silly girl mabel fell fast asleep and i was sorta locked out of her house. shouted for her like mad then went downstairs and sat with the maids till she rang me back. yups completed tution then headed to yio chu kang for work. no not for chantel. its been awhile i freelanced so i did help out this club for their anniversary. didnt really want to but felt bad if i rejected.

got home ard 1am.
oh i was given free durians. how funny. just one packet thought. very nice! ate some just now but shall give the rest to my mum of something. kinda tired...

maybe cause yester went ktv with mr neoy !
sang like mad. shouted a few songs. met him for dinner after dance and we went to sing till 4 am.i remember the last time i went ktv..feels so distant suddenly. doesn't matter anymore does it?

i realised listening to song like :
feng by jay chou, kiss you goodnight by wang li hom, shan hu hai by jay chou makes me sad even thought im at a ktv . horrid. stupid me. this is an old feeling. i forgot to thrash it

i am sad really i am
i wish i wasn't
i forgot how not to be

[headmusic]: somebody by depche mode
[thoughts]: i remember once telling you how i could not find a good reason to stay here.

13 ways to fuck up

2006-08-03T01:51:00.000+08:00

in the end i had not only an escort but and entourage of people going to party with me

i felt lousy when i stepped in the club because i glanced and saw carol
my natural compulsion to hi was cut short when i thought back how she was one of those people who spend her time defaming me. so i kept my hellos to myself. i wasn't THAT thickskinned.

pei's good buddy lit was my "social escort" for the night
the night went by buying apple and lexx drinks, chatting with ck, (and the bistro crew cause i ran into them at the club.ps: matthew dances rather sexily! omg.. haa) attempting to find girls for lit, attempting to dance to shitty songs, attempting to smile and be happy. everyone was yucky. i discovered that lit has weird taste in girls. but i think everyone really weren't that hot to begin with. -shrugs- lit agrees and i just wish her luck with her KL-ish mode with cherie.better cherie then the rest. trust me.

that crazy girl just came back from KL and the next day went into malaysia to get dougnuts for cherie yet is trying to act like she doesn't care! funny girl. but i thought what she did was sweet. damn .. why doesnt anyone do that for me ?

anyway, after the party went to ann's place with apple and lexx
attempted mahjong but during the first round the phone rang .

i had list of 13 ways i have screwed up thrown at my face
they hurt alot. i wish i knew how not to feel hurt. maybe that's why i hate to argue. i just wanted NOT to feel THAT way agian.. like im sinking.. perphaps dying

the next day
i had a phone call. i was actually scared.
then the words i hardly ever hear, "im sorry"
it was the last thing i thought i'd ever hear.
i knew it cost her alot. it meant alot hearing it too.so im closing the matter on that subject.

at night talked to my mum about cars, housing, holiday trips
she gave me some direction about how things are going to go.for me, im glad i can finally settle everything. i feel like my life is moving on. strange cause i still feel like im in bits and pieces. just like my house. well.. "new" house. its a rental. i feel my emotions have been rented out. im just borrowing the space. does that even make sense?

hmmmmmmmmm... i think the word is detached.
yes. i feel detached.

[thoughts]: happy birthday

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	Countess Elizabeth Bathory
If not then you were:	Augustus Caesar