Tuesday, February 28, 2006 . 2:39 PM
just had a horror shock while reading the 4th exo list of namepatrica accidentally put my name in wrongly. so funny. scared me bright and early in the day that i had to ring up teddy to clarify. i was like "oh no.."
realise i have been blogging fairly alot recently
this shows how much life i have
usually blog when i have work to do or online for sch stuff. suddenly feel like such a no lifer
ha
so happy that the geog essay was extended by bunnell
i sent a mass email to the group to inform everyone not to panick anymore. so i stopped my panic too. but i still have midterms and presentation to worry about. how sian.feel tied down by this. doesnt help when im sick now. i contracted the lousy flu bug. a cold. great
pill popping -
absolute misery
think my nose is gone too
[headmusic] : the call by bsb (omg did i just put a boyband song here?)
Monday, February 27, 2006 . 9:57 PM
damn i did a stupid thing of leaving without my hpomg! anyone who knoes me would understand how serious a crime unto myself this is.i rushed to lect8 then i looked at my exam paper and all i could think was "omg .. my hp!!!"
so distracted
anyway, was trying to recall certain things for the mcq. think the essay was so rubbishy. wrote it like a GP paper. suddenly dylan popped into my mind and wish he sat the darn paper for me and smoke his ediotic way thru like he is so good at doing. mentioning his name makes me wince.. i am still waiting for that call. are you hearing me mr loh pei fong?
went to the studio
wanted to find a place to stone and read my stuff. gdness i didnt know that day at the library i zapped so much notes. now i gotta sort thru them. was pretty miserable reading them cause of all the palestines and israeli stuff. so confused with history and stuff like like that. in the past i know just the person to ring up and pour these woes to. but that person told me to go think.. miss a where are you?so bet she'd tell me to go to hell now
ate a very very filling dinner at this kopitiam
4 crabs( pepper, butter, drunken), 1 deer meat, 1 tao gey, 1 butter fried prawns, sharks fin) this is why i get so fat. o man. really really cant wear my clothes lor. dieeee...
okie have midterm for cybercrime to prepare plus the essay
plan to start on the geog essay tonight. i realise i am fallin sick.. sneezed alot and wound up blowing my nose in since evening till now. just popped 2 panadol. i think its the smoke, ciggs, drinks, lack of sleep and stress. sighs. wth ... hate falling ill. at least there's no sch tomolo. perphaps i should go cut my hair. hmmmm...
i need rest
really not well
dammit
[headmusic]: myself going "omg my hp!!"
[quote of the day]:sometimes you rather stab yourself a thousand times
then hurt the people around you
very cute link -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MNY5EhKdaA i learnt that i sux at hexic
so dui lian..
didnt want to get up today. tired and sooooo lazzzzy..
no choice thou. there is the exam waiting for me. i hope i dont screw up all too badly. i only completed 5 lectures out of 6 .. ! argh ..
planning to take a village question
hopefully it pops up. shall keep my fingers crossed
o man .. i really should have did more revision .. urgh
wish me luck
*mutters darkly
[headmusic]: prof peter reeves voice over webcast(eek)
Sunday, February 26, 2006 . 10:58 PM
obscurely through my brainlike shadows dim
sweep awful thoughts rapid and
thick. i feel
faint, like mingled in entwining
love;
yet 'tis not pleasure.
(prometheus unbound, shelley)
okie lemme think
tomorrow there is midterm
how tiring. but how can i say i am tired now. what have i done really ? this is how much i have tried. haix. i seriously don't impress myself.
yesterday went to wala wala
goodness i really am like some mountain turtle. i dunno these sorta places. anyway went there with the group. was shocked to see kenny and jon ma there. darryn with his gf. ha. jon was like " i know you ... but ur in lit meh?" my god soooooo wanted to murder him there and then.
teddy joined us abit later
felt abit strange at first cause everyone didnt really talk much. but at the end of the night i think i was kinda amused cause the guys were really bonding in some strange weird way. kenny went to pee in the darn bushes right at center point. bloody arse how shameless.
had problem getting into rouge later in the night cause of jeremy's slippers
eventually squeezed our way in.. horror drinking with shots.
but when i think of rouge now ... funny .. erm.. i wanna laugh .. hah ..
ok more serious stuff
was kinda sad marilyn had to go. as ke ai says " they probably went to have hot sex" ha. quite funny. i hope she ain't too sad over leaving him here. sighz. i totally understand. haix. cheer up mari :) im sure tessa and sam will tc of you
fell dead aslp in my jeans and tee
i really must have been that dead . while she spent the night puking. im so sorry babe i should have woken up. great. im such a huge pig.
absolutely sulking now cause i have to study
procrestination at its best
i am better these days
oh! and i found 2 nice new places to stone! so happy
[headmusic]: where do i begin(is that the title?) by lauren hill
Saturday, February 25, 2006 . 4:44 AM
i saw the emaili laughed
what else
[head music]: ai qing xui ye by jay chou, and your voice
Friday, February 24, 2006 . 4:06 PM
if i could describe youi'd call you "wind"
dauntless, invisible
a 5 second high -
gone
i am nothing but a wall
a dead trapping
catching
air
realise how i have mid term for south asia studies this comming monday.
great. havent even seen inside the lect of this module and im already having mid term.so gonna die. thank god for webcast. shall definately have to turn religious and pray to high heaven then *makes a face
have a mid term for cybercrime on the 1st of march.
wednesday. they changed their venue to lt27. must make a mental note if not i'll forget as usual.
individual assignment on 3rd march due regarding palestines/israeli stuff for geog
let's just say ..
i'm in such deep shit
focus .focus. focus.
just declared my s/u option for cybercrime. okie step one. time for the other steps. but which comes first? choices .. choices...
just give me some time to dig myself out from underground.
[headmusic]: when im gone by eminme
Thursday, February 23, 2006 . 4:53 PM
[tall story]ai ni yi wan nian
suddenly thought it would be a nice name for a pet. just like the sword.cant imagine repeating it so many times though
it is said : that pain is not standing in front of the person and wondering if you love that person of not. it is loving that person and not being able to be together.
(absolute direct translation from chinese words)
as usual,
sloppy me fell for the lines and wanted to cry.i never knew why i try to deny the fact that i am sentimental. guess i just hate the fact that i feel like such a wuss.
anyways i saw you while i was going there
strange that i would notice when i was simply zoning out on the bus. then i remembered what you said to me. fate gave me the last goodbye you talked about. you thought i was talking about someone else. how ironic. but i hate explainations. so i never did give one.nor did i call
felt so lousy that i only survived 2 beers and sum strange drink
think cause havent been really eating for the past few days so i was like so weak.wanted to faint but managed to walked with my head held high till i went to the toliets. thank god. i still dont even know why i care so much about my image. should i be like everyone else and let it fall into a ditch?
..tonight there is some cook out by adeline
first time i hear some cook out thingy that's not at my place. i hope i manage to rise to the occasion and not fall into some sudden stupid depression. something is not very right with my brain recently. like some thing broke.but what? i realise that im watsing my time being silly. just that im still clawing myself out. just give me time. either way i know seeing you would make the day some what better, yet sometimes i do the absolute ego thing of not.
[the 10 commons of life]:
1.thou shall not run into the arms of the one you want so shamlessly. you must save your own face.
2.thou shall not covert everything not thou's and unfair
3.thou shall not be an arse and spit fire
4.thou shall not steal
5.thou shall love thy partner as thyself. remember thy neighbour too plus friends around
6.thou shall remember that adultery is only real when thee have a commitment
7.thou shall honor thy mother and no one else that is not family
8.thou shall partake in daily bread and remember to eat or you might suffer the concequences when thy drinketh thy wine
9.thou shall smile when thee's heart breaketh to cease another's pain
10.thou shall get better soon
great im being cynical blasphemous and stupid.
forgive me all nice chirstians reading this. i didn't mean it =) believe me that i am okie.
so let me go
go mad
lose myself
i'll crawl my way back
[headmusic]: my december by linkin park
Wednesday, February 22, 2006 . 9:22 PM
::are you gonna stay with the one who loves youor are you going back to the one you love
someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
someone's gonna thank the stars above::
sometimes the last thing you want comes first
and the first thing you want never comes
and waiting is all you can do ..
i am so so very sorry did a stupid thing of sleeping early
guess i was tired from alot of things floating on my mind.
now i am wide awake i feel slightly nutty cause i would like to roll back to bed but i feel the need to get out and do something. anything
breakfast anyone?
im not really the type for breakfast because im usually dead asleep or too fazed out to even eat. makes me always wonder how i get so fat although i dont eat THAT much.low metabolism rates?think i need a pill.hah
anyway, regarding yester
steven was more calm and less drunk this time
as usual he hit his usual higher state of mind later on in as the night wore on. as for me i was amused but not entertained, nor entertaining. by 11pm i was bit sleepy already and had left. too tired for conversations. like i've been telling circle, i feel like i've been suffering a "compression" recently. i feel disorientated, un-nerved and depressed. i really don't know why. guess of just recent shit popping up. life is such a biatch these days so am i allowed to detach myself from me then?
*sighs my depression comes and goes at least its done with a smile
i give credit to make up and years of practice
....suddenly thought about the conversation with circle
she was telling me this whole thing about J and how "de-sexed" everything was.that started me talking about the whole physical non physical debate.
question : "how is it possible to feel attracted to someone yet not physically wanting/lusting after that person? "
i think J suffers some family suppressing issues and so had this kinda problem so me and circle were in hot debate over this. i can't figure it out too. she told me it was love. i pulled a face.
solution: none. reasoning too vague and unexplainable
whatever it is
im glad that although im crazy circle still is able to kick the shit outa me and hit sense into me. i am glad too that she is able to keep my feet grounded. this is why i don't fly
note:my breakfast call what a concidence!
::I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be When you found out there was nothing Between you and me
Cause I don't care How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be::
[headmusic]: the grouch by greenday
[quote for today]:
i know i am imperfect
but do you have to throw all my flaws to my face
all at once?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006 . 1:02 PM
to miss a: where are you? it's been a whilei woke up but i am still tired
i need a red squirrel pillow.
::One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go Let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin' through
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go Just let me go Let me go
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go Just let me go
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me::
[head music]: i think god can explain by splender i think the scariest thing is answering:
if it is not lust then you have to ask yourself again-
so ..what is it?
..my now topic have been long over due (just like my darn library fines)
the topic then is what consitutes love ?
it was a topic i wanted to figure out during v-day.i guess now is better then never
so here goes a short insensitive break down of my million of words.i know it may sound flippant and superfical but there are somethings you have to look deeper for
in the name of love:
-knowing that you'd be there and always try your best to find the other party.being there
-making him/her happy and happier with the little things you do
-remembering to eventually drop all barriers because you finally found some one that is safe
-that there are words underscored and feelings unexpressed but between the two they both know
-being silly every once and awhile.go mad always
-not afraid to say sorry
-protecting the other from harm even from him/herself
-remembering important dates which means alot to the other party
-every movement, buying things, shopping, eating is with her/him in mind.being sensitive
-that when the world falls silent you know where to go
-being happy with just one
-the person brings you laughter even on rainy days
-in the long run, a mellowing of the physical to the metaphy.
-a phonecall to reassure being enough to sooth anything over
-contentment just rotting doing absolute nothing yet feeling that time floats fruitfully
-the difficult goodbye
perphaps i truly am bad at stuff like this
i know fully well that what i just wrote sounds a little one-sided. but then agian that is what going crazy and love is but a one sided affair that you keep your fingers cross the other is going crazy about you too.
when you find that one-
thats when you smile
im not mushy about many things. think ive been called an insensitive prick.. erm..bitch too many a time. i hate thinking about that though.despite being ice, i have lost my mind gone crazy and woke up acting indifferent.but i do care.
too many scars
so its painful when everything else crumbles but i guess no one truly believes me
i think my problem is that when the world does leave me i'll just remain sitting here i just do.
not doing anything
stupid me
yesterday,
my world fell short of alot of my expectations
pain inflation was at its peak
a white book saved me jlt
and now i wake up
i just thank god for white books and blank paper
cover my eyes
mine eyes dazzle -
she died young.
sometimes even the worst of people need rescueing from all forms of maladies of life
even me.
:instead, you promised to run to me:
[headmusic]: dancing in the moonlight
Saturday, February 18, 2006 . 11:18 AM
nixx was talking to me about heading churchgreat just realise i couldnt make it cause its at 12.
sighs. its been a while
st ignatius
coronation plaza
to nixx: chill pill
you hang in there too
thanks
k offically i have to move my butt like now i woke up thinking
" this is bad .."
how firmilar a phrase .. -_-"
hmmmm.. *grumbles.. im up and wake at 10am. my mum being crabby with me cause as usual i am being soooo last minute in telling her things. she's wearing lime green all over. gdness.. i decided on board short and a pink tank top
starting coughing again
this morning aint feeling fabulous
simply tired and bit stoned.pain
my sis was being a nutter about the com and bobbi ..
great think she's dissed with me too. haixxx... i am so irresponsible.
i know why
i just hate to admit it
well..
will be leaving soon think i might be late. then all of them can simply just kill me. and why not. i really need to be knifed right now. feeling disorientated. like a can't wake up.so awful. perphaps i need a cold shower soon before i go. .
sometimes the best things in life are free
sometimes the happiest little shits that happened are the worst for your system
sometime you need to just get out -
now
people use to tell me how arrogant and narsisstic i am
i loved myself too much
i am too selfish
so on and so forth ..
so i know i love myself alot
though in my brain i hate my ego, my guts, my useless ramblings, my self denial, my concepts of pain, my vertical illusions, my disillusionments which i see is real,my lies, my sincerity, my insensitiveness, my genius, my-self
but now i feel stupid
this is a first
::Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter
And all I really want is some patience a way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out I
'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around.... all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
.....Did you think about you bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're going to die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need now is the intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
Away to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice.....:: -am
[headmusic]: tao dai by jolin tsai and perphaps some english song i have not figure out yet lets get you outa my system
[headmusic]:chinese song which i dunt even know the title of
Thursday, February 16, 2006 . 1:28 PM
having a mini break before project group meeting for oasis startsyesh. got the group name cause we couldnt think of anything better.how happenin' rite?
today was presentation day for shakespeare i was so late
and then could type cause i was so slpy and eyes so blur. i nodded off one stop left to the bus stop at holland v this morn. then the crazy 95 uncle didnt stop at the central lib. walked ALL the way back to the admin block to get to the lib.sighs. just isnt my day . but the best part was .. the presentation which my group says its today was pushed to next next week! absolute crap . but lucky thing is that gives me time to prepare better so i am happier yet so much more grumpier too ..
lack of sleep i feel like dying
i'd like to thank the nice kind soul who found red cow for me .
and yesh, potato salad. was really really dying of hunger ..
didnt know red cow was "rare" around the arts till today. must make a mental note to myself to stock up if not i'll keep drifting off again. and yesh!! i did start drifting off in lit class while the woman was talking. oh no ... kenny was beside me tell me the woman was standing far infront of me but i was "huhh ? so? " tut tut.
maybe i should get on my third can of red cow ?
hmmmmmmmmmm..... choices ..choices ..
*mutters darkly
k shall have to sign off soon.
a project meeting at 2.
a lect at 2. **aheemm .. yes. 2pm u see correctly
tut after that
what a day
oh ... was watching a lady bug crawl up my arm earlier.how funny. i would have laughed but i was so tired :) if you're the toothpaste
i'm the toothbrush
if you're the toliet paper
i'm the shit.
hah
thats the most romantic thing i've seen all year
i just had to share
at this point i think there are many things i would like to say.
like how school suxx cause i have a presentation which im so gonna die later...
how i hope i dunt fall aslp in class like bang...
how bringing balloons into a crowded bus is funny..
so many things
i just havent the time so i'll get back to this after presentation
just wanted to say ...i am tired but highly amused.
back to work!
so i know
so you know
[headmusic]: you and me
Tuesday, February 14, 2006 . 2:57 AM
strange that this day seems to always slide past meillusion or some huge black hole in time which i can't quite recall how i spend my days and years
this time im being guai
and yes, everyone who has heard about me involved in the RP launch is inpressed that i have suddenly become so "involved" with school stuff. i guess since it the last sem what the hey.those who know me better raise their eyebrow. have i really slacked that much?
but i feel good about myself now-trying hard.harder
fallen sick since 2 weeks back and it accumilated to my mini asthma attack yester. erm well the day before. can't breathe today while walking back to the studio at the end of the day.dylan rang and i was panting away trying to breathe slowly.*sighs i wish i was healthier. better then those old jc days i guess. but i think asthma coming back agian is never a good sign. can't imagine having to use that stupid oxygen mask thing agian. very very uncool
hate hospitals
i feel myself fallin apart
wheezing while i sleep and keep waking feeling uncomfortable.thank god it wasn't like last time when the wheezing lasted both day and night. this time it is only when i sleep. can't imagine how i'd last thru launch.
for those who don't know..
radio pulze is launching tomolo at the nus arts forum from 11.30pm- 2pm (show support and come) i hope everything will go smooth. think everyone is all stressed out.
headed to holland v after the rehearsal
everyone piled in the bus. nic, dao wei (finally saw him), shamsul, teddy and me
so sleepy then
note : was at the coldstorage for the second time with teddy.
i must seriously make it a point to finally get to essential brew. either that or i'll drag his butt there with me when he finally has time :)
k sleepy. finished typing the list for aisha
nites world. i owe a poem.its been a while
Sunday, February 12, 2006 . 3:09 PM
: i pray may your heart never break infront of mine least i break first:it's been a day. since that time i had a talk with miss a surrounded by cats that i smelt this faint distant bobbi-ish smell.gdness.till now i smell just the norm stuff. no bob. hmmm.. maybe i am recovering.maybe my brain decided not to let me go psycho after all. a relief
been very tired lately
the eyebags and this weariness on my soul is taking its toll phyically.looking at the mirror scares me.
but i try and look forward.
thanks a lot to everyone with their kind words. a balm to some of this pain.
but i know pain is still pain. the problem with words is that they were never quite sufficent to help in everything. just like how i tend to screw up my own words when i try to explain how i feel.same
and im so tired lately
been making like 10000000000000 phcalls regarding RP lauch and stuff for the 13-15 feb. at least there have been distractions for my grief. arguements, settling RP stuff, liasoning with NUSSU and people in RP for help. crazyness
(strange that we are launching on vday.suddenly i feel sad all over agian. i think that for vday my dog alive would be my bestest valentine's day gift. even when i was like in sec sch i never had any crazy HOT dates. at least he was there. usually i'd give him a chicken drumstick on that day too. *sighs. k shall not go crazy thinking back..)
i need a best friend now
someone i can really talk to.sincerely and genuinely want to be there.
but its so hard these days when all around me all i see is one disappointment, after another lier, after another's spite, after another's hatred, after another's insincerity, another's indecisiveness, after my own pain. maybe thats why talking to bob was always the easiest
i need ::comfort::
shouting at me now and putting pressure does not help. i am numb through and through. somehow i am scared. i keep thinking that with bob gone i can't feel anymore.
then agian maybe its a good thing i can't .
im heading underground and burying myself with sch.
i hope to recover
just give me some time
::Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life::
[headmusic]: no need to argue by the cranberries
Saturday, February 11, 2006 . 2:50 AM
i dunno what's wrong with meevery now and then i get hit by the smell of my dog
a sudden few whiffs then gone
it was like that since the 8th in the cruise.
i was lying in bed then again it hit me for that split second.
tessa thinks its a sensory thing. perphaps my clothes smell like him etc .
but no.
even in the cruise while walking it happened
sudden jolts like my dog with that medicated smell. he smelt like that too today.
perphaps i have seriously lost it
perphaps i am going mad
truly and honestly mad..
i dunno why
i decided to look at his photos just now then suddenly it hit me agian .
am i griefing that badly?
i know i am but to that extent?
i feel scared.
i thought in the cruise it's my imagination .. it think it's real this time.
agian !
i smell the vet
one point to note: i can smell a lie like i can smell my dog. this is true. i dunno why. call it a hunch. i don't buy your lie for a second.for it's too big and too beyond your normal days.
Friday, February 10, 2006 . 9:36 PM
IN MEMORIAM:8/2 i remember watching my sis discover he bad bit his tongue due to a sudden seizure
we didnt know as blood poured..
bags and more bags were piling the floor.then my sis realised. after stupid waste of time debates among the family, we sent him to mt pleaseant- a stupid vet place i really hate. it smell awful and so clinical ..my aversion to hospitals and doctors didnt help either. bobbi hated it too. he was always scared to death of visiting the vet.only later down his life he gave into all the visits.
..i remember waking that day to his cries.
i was so tired then. i thought he would lose his voice, but then agian it had already sound broken. like a broken recorder on play mode. a rough squeeling of sounds, raspy and full of pants i hear my dog howl out to me from downstairs. all day he cried. i sa with him watched the second half of this andy lau show "say i love you once agian"(direct translation) patted him on the head and saw his tired eyes. i felt old.
i felt even older hearing him in pain
perphaps i should have shot myself there and then cause i knew there was nothing i could do to help. how useless of me. as an owner what more can i say or do. i wish i knew. i felt dumb then. and very stupid. now my house is dead silent. what a contrast.i wish i could dare say "i rather hear his howls" but i knew that it was cause he was in pain.so now i see the silence as all too deafening for me. i wish i wasnt so.
10/2 i went to see his body today.
"he is always so beautiful" said my sis
i agreed. so did my mom.
bobbi never ever did look ugly. i bet he looked great even when they shaved him for his op. what can some sissors and loss of fur do to the most beautiful and most kindest dog in the whole world ?
-absolutely nothing.
i looked at bobbi and i blamed myself
how ironic when i was consoling my sis that its not her fault we didnt put him down. i try to rationalise things claiming that he would have died in the vet even if we were around.we wouldnt have stood by and watch him go just like that without putting up some sort of fight.
she wanted him to die at home with us.
i think he would have like that too actually..
but in reality it wasn't like that
8/2 we rushed him to the vet before we left
that look on his face i'll never forget
he was giving up. after the struggle with his pain for the past few month i watch him throw in the towel and i saw it.My sis saw it too. i thought he was going to leave use then. really. but at the doctor's he open his eyes. i saw my dog cry.his eyes were glittering tears.
so were mine
i remember saying my finally goodbye to him
i purposely ran back to find him in this little metal cage just lying there motionless.
how small and how fragile he was. how heavily drugged. did he know it was me?
i didnt know it was the final. perphaps secretly i did.
i patted him on the head. i kissed him goodbye
a kiss that was not given for so long. i was away too far an long.
usually he would have ran like he was young.he would run like the kiss was a game and a signal for him to start dashing around the house.
this kiss i watched his eyes with tears
i told him i would bring him home
"bobbi wo men hui hui jia"
i told him we'll be back for him and bring him home.i didnt know if i was consoling him or myself when i said that.
i wonder if he heard me.he always somehow managed to understand my F9 chinese. i dunno how he did it.
but he did.
10/2 watching him look so small on that table bundled in white cloth i told him the same thing
usual stuff that i always say cause i knew he knew.
he always understood.
"bobbi wo men hui lai le.."
"wo dai ni hui jia"
this time i was talking to myself
my best friend of 10-11 years.
i remember once when i was 15 or 16 i came home and cried
i forgot about what but i remembered my dog
bobbi came around and put his paw on me. i pushed him awy. then he walked around me and touched my hand with his paw agian. and looked at me. i told him to go awy. then he started licking my tears from my hands to my face till i stopped. he sat there while i gave him a huge hug.
onther time ann brought miko to the house
boobi as his usual tiko self would follow any female dog. just that all the female dogs reject him. how ironic when he was such a cute dog. i bet all bitches must be blind.
anyway miko kept chasing after me then bob suddenly started growling at her and circled the chair i was sitting on till she backed off.
the last great memory was the day he flew
i rang the doorbell and me and miss a saw him flew.
he bounded out the glass dorr so happily at such high speed he flew with his 4 legs off the ground. we were both stunned but i'll always rem that moment.
few months later he couldn't walk
at the vet i asked bobbi's body so many things
i told him so many things too
i asked him who's going to lick my tears awy now?
who's going to comfort me now now he is gone?
watching him i knew he tried waiting for us to come back.i think he kept one eye open hoping to see the family again
i am so sure he is in dog heaven. i thank god cause i know that wherever he is he is not in pain anymore. and he doesnt have to cry anymore... and i am glad for him
it just that ..
i can't stop crying now ..
name: Bobbi Lim/Loke
bday: 8th august
depart: 6.03pm on the 9/02/06
those who know and have loved my dog alongside me i just want you to know that he is at peace.finally.
::it's not everyday that you see you best friend die::
Sunday, February 05, 2006 . 11:17 PM
"...It is no visious blot, murder, or foulness,No unchaste action or dishonoured step,
That hath deprived me of your grace and favour;
But even for want of that for which I am richer-
A still-soliciting eye, and such a tongue
That I am glad I have not, though not to have it
Hath lost me in your liking."
-King Lear (shakespeare)
studying now.reading up mcfarland's image of the family
rain pouring out
[headmusic]:jay chou-dong feng puo PATIENCE:
the ultimate thing that i think when i was young i remembered singleing out as one of my better qualities.not that i had ego big enough to think that my better qualities extended to that many, but still it was just one of those things i took pride in knowing i had.
sadly this golden touch
perphaps this beautiful mind of my darling Patience is now nothing but marred by many incidences which have stretched it far and wide to an abyss.
i wish i could take this back though. perphaps i could have saved her.
could i save myself too ..how i just wish to sweep back into childhood days and play with my cousins, creating bonfires, setting traps, and catching tootties at camron highlighs.i miss those day of trips to play, those old holiday music which really meant something and the time when i could just stay free of all hassle and mental stigmas. younger.
my Patience was something i lost
along with those old times, and those good ole days which went by way too fast. too many people trampled and stoomped on whatever i had leave, and she got mad at me so she leaves me with nothing but depress propensity to feel anymore but anger and color when i get frustrated at all the little things.
in the brain it does break down
measure for measure whats right, whats wrong. my temper does not keep its rein check with my brain anymore. somehow i think they fought or aren't on any good terms that i currently hate them both.
how does it feel to lose Patience?
pretty precious Patience
i feel like a 5 year old, holding 5 year old petty arguements, with a 5 year old anger management, so i kick and scream like the little kids i so dislike. and then i hate myself. cause i know myself yet not act my age. childish
my anger flashes
white and
blinding
me
i go blind trying to curb it
i try using Patience but she runs low too
she was sick of me and told me to go to hell
so i am tired now
old and older.
Patience does not want me anymore
i dont want myself either
Thursday, February 02, 2006 . 3:47 PM
[stones]one day you may cut but
i would not bleed
i will go "hey-aye!" for
i then would be cured of my afflictions and
be able to live just
without the blood
me tired in school during the cyber lecture.
brain dozing off and breaking into pieces. gotta run for the tutorial real soon.
this is me STILL tired ..
signing off.back laters
