Monday, October 02, 2006 . 1:49 PM
i had to say it:to ck:
i thought you were better than all that to stoop so low as to believe everything that you hear. it seems that for everything i have ever said to you i might as well have never. for all your misunderstandings, i have come to realise how little you truly know about me, you failure to see me for who i am and i now tell myself what a damned fool i was thinking the better of you.
i don't want to kill myself over things without a beginning yet having an end
i don't see much sense in that fact so why should i be sad. i refuse to be THAT stupid
but nonetheless.. yeah i am sad. i really .. am.
cause again i have been misunderstood. agian i've been let down. again you still don't know me. yet you dare judge me. and agian i am affected. my days go slowly. i am affected and it hits me when i wake up. when no msg comes. when i have to cook, work, play. i am affected. people upon people. all of you have let me down so so badly. and i wish i could so hate all of you. i want to hate you all. i think i might enjoy that
i really cannot take much more of life's disappointments.
i think maybe .. if my heart does not break first then perphaps i will. slowly i feel like im losing my mind.how many times can one feel sad within such a short space of time. how many times can i break myself into pieces. how can my ego still hold. can i save whatever dignity i have left and walk backwards? walk home? walk back in sg and feel the same after all these things happening... how many days can i spend feeling very alone and unworthy.
i bet FATE is laughing at me.
i actually shared what happened with ck with pei. she showed some sympathy. i was wondering if she would rub it in my face but she surprised me. i am touched of course. she told me that ck is a blind bitch. she told me how such misunderstandings may arise. she told me that ck nor anyone else didn't know me well enough, that they don't know any better.i know. yeah i know. but the thing was i really did believe .words. such foolishness. i didnt know how shallow people can be. i didnt know going out with me could make a person feel such disgrace. yeah.. disgrace.
i feel pained writing these word.
disgrace
that i am not good enough hurts
that people miscontrude things about me hurt
that you do not understand me yet judge me hurts
that i fail to fight back and admit defeat hurts
i've lost the ability to speak anymore.
sure i rant and rave. but i cannot truly speak..
i think i've lost my voice and that i do not have the need to feel anymore. in fact i think its better i don't. this is the longest worst period of my life. i can't believe you are not around, that i can't afford to cry, that i fill full to the brim breaking.. i so wish you were. i want to tell you this. can i ?
[headmusic]: who knew by kelly clarkson
