Thursday, July 20, 2006 . 12:06 PM
i woke up today with a strange phcall by the stripafter that the misery of thoughts running started all over again so i am wide awake
things i think about:
~if it was 6 months back i'd ring you up, perphaps you'd be up.perphaps we could go for breakfast now
~your sms
~the color of pain being neither red, white , nor black. i see it in shades of grey
~sea's words running through my head and her promise to be there
~the fact that when i got up the fan was switched on and turned towards me, i knew my sis was GENUINELY concerned about me. strange but true.
~how the day is sunny, i woke up early and i wish to go to the beach and just lie there.
~have you read my sms yet? do you care? im pretending i didnt know you didn't reply
~how my day is nothing except class later
~everyone afraid i'd do something stupid
~sorry that i yelled at my mum
~if i should go help crystal clean her ears in a bit
i was thinking how i am so weak
i feel small. this irrational pain that catches me in every waking moment. i laid there on my bed thinking how i should revert back to the old me. then i started to remember how i became such a cold heart ice bitch in the first place. they use to say i was like ice. then i stopped thinking about all that. no point
i remember hanging out with my group of friends when younger
my cousin included, mew, neo, gong, dan, strange girls floating in and out of the group. we spend our days playing dai ti, all i did was play till my grades fell till i had like 4 F9s and i ran around liat towers and starbuckx trying to get back my damn sunglasses which either one of those idiots would "steal" every once in a while.
i chilled
i played
i forgot school
i forgot about love
i forgot how to be nice to anyone
i remembered running from everyone
i partied too much
i self destructed
i really think at that moment not caring i was happy.
really
it seems like a far of memory of someone elses past life
i forgot how it was.
there is this need in me to collect what is left of myself. it's like piecing together a jigsaw torn apart. to think i used to make jigsaws.literally. took me all day long and i wanted to cry. then when i finished i would smashed them and throw them out. think my favourite was this artist paint set one which i loved it for the colors and the weird knick-nacks around the picture.and no, i don't know where is it anymore.
but now,
i am lost. i would like to admit i don't know where to start this recollecting and reassembling of myself. i wondered if i hung out more with the bitching club group i would get better. maybe i should talk to those guru friends of mine which i know they were the "ultimate" at perphaps not really bothering to delve so much into misery. then i felt stupid for even thinking such things. why should i join the lot? what if i become like them? is that the best ?
in my mind i want to talk to you ..
really i do. to clear up this confusion, this mess i've created. perphaps to talk and have coffy. and maybe you'd prtend to listen and let me tell you i am sorry for causing you pain. perphaps we could work something out. perphaps you'd tell me you still want me around. perphaps you won't tell everyone how you are leaving me.pephaps you would pick up the phone. perphaps you would stay
perphaps , perphaps perphaps..
we could just go back to the start
[headmusic]: the scientist by cold play
[thoughts]: let the day perish wherin i was born
